Re-awaking My Inner Voice: Another Apocalypse Let Down and College Year 1 Locked DOWN!!!

I'm Still ALIVE!!...or did I die and hell looks exactly like my life...lol...if that's the case then hell aint too bad so far...guess I'll never know...lol
Some media actually asked the descendants of the Mayans if they were ready for the end of the world and they looked at the guy like he was crazy. One dude even said that us freaking out about it was like "freaking out every year when the calender ends on December 31st. The world doesn't end at the last page of our calender, so why would we think it would end on the Mayans calendar." He was also going to work on Friday just like any day...lol
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Well here I am again....
It's been so long since I've written just for myself I feel like a foal after being born trying to find her legs. Reconnecting with my inner voice, my writers voice, is proving itself rather tricky especially since I still have that left over stress from finishing my first fall semester.

But that's right Bitches!...I've officially finished my first year of college...What..WHAT!! but I have yet to fully accept it for some reason...
I actually still feel anxious like I have an essay or paper that I forgot to write, or some project I forgot to do so I can't seem to relax. But maybe I just need to get my grades so it can sink in and my sphincter can relax...

Then there's the ex crap.

Yes more ex crap!
Since October I've had a lot of trouble unconsciously thinking about the ex, missing him, worrying about him when Sandy hit, and because of the storm we spoke again. But when you miss someone you always just seem to remember the good times and I had to remind myself it wasn't all "good times". There was a reason I broke up with him and that hadn't changed. So though I was writing poems in my head about how I felt just needing to expel the crap that was clouding my vision and weighing on my chest I couldn't. I was so consumed with school work I barely had time to do that let alone write for my own sanity. It got so bad that it was actually distracting me and I was slipping up with my work load. That was when I gave myself a reality check, put my priorities in order, and really threw myself completely into what was important, my education. I had to remind myself that I've come too far to let anything and I mean ANYTHING stop me from following my path.

He and I were like two puzzle pieces that look like they fit perfectly together, but in fact one piece has a small rough corner while the other has a smooth one. No matter how hard you try to shove those pieces together, pushing and forcing them, they're just not gonna fit. At least not unless you cut one of them, but then if you cut it, what was the point of doing the puzzle in the first place.
But life moves on and I know my life isn't over. In fact I had a very sweet though rather hyper 16 year old competing with this other guy on who was gonna sit next to me in class. Both were complete flirts which I wont lie was rather nice when the last guy you were with made you feel unattractive and it was very sweet in a creepy kinda way considering I'm old enough to be his mother...lol...but it was nice just to know someone was interested. Obviously nothing came of it because I'm not a pedophile, and the other dude was sweet, but not my type so I made sure not to be too friendly with either one and  finals came and went without me having to deal with any uncomfortable conversations.

But speaking about dudes flirting with me, there was this one real "winner" in my Biology Lab class who was one of the reasons I started taking kickboxing classes, because I wanted to literally KILL HIM!!!
All I can figure is that he must live in one of those pretty people bubbles believing that because he's good looking all he has to do is flirt with his female classmates and they'll fall all over themselves to basically do his work for him. Well I was his kryptonite because non of his tricks worked on me and his inability with me effected his game with our other remaining female lab partners. If anything the harder he tried with me, the more it just pissed me off. He's one of those assholes who doesn't want to do his work, wants you to tell him the answers cause he doesn't want to think, or will argue with you if you know his answer is wrong and you tell him so. He must be so used to people telling him yes and giving him what he wants that when I first told him no he looked so shocked that I laughed at him.
The last lab we had together we were all using our phones to take pictures of some papers we needed to use to help practice for our final and he made the mistake of telling me to just send him my picture. That was my breaking point. I looked at him and the words just flew out of my mouth.
"Excuse Me!!...You did NOT just tell Me to send you a picture of something that you are fully capable taking yourself." He then said with a smile "Oh you know I don't like taking pictures". To which I responded. "You know...your so full of shit! I don't give a flying rats ass what you "like" to do, you got a cell phone just like the rest of us, you can take your own damn picture! I'm not your Mama!"
Of course he laughed just as assholes do, and my other lab partners who were also fed up with his shit just looked at me with satisfied smiles on there faces. I then spent the rest of the time we had left in class trying to keep myself from leaping across the table like some 70's TV show cop leaping over the hood of a car and punching him the throat.

Ok...that's enough for now...

(photo above The White Wolf Woman by ~dkjart)

The Two Faces of Lina: Comic Con and Kicking My ASS Off

I've been soo busy with my full school schedule I haven't had time to do much of anything let alone blog, so here's a quick update on things....

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Went to Comic Con on Sunday, October 12th. Once again I went with my girlfriend who got me a deal on tickets. Was also supposed to meet up with an Ex from way back when who was working at the con but between getting their late, the madness of the place, my short stature, and how busy he got, we never saw one another. Somehow it seems as if in my world men and Comic Con don't mix.
My other Ex (the more recent one) wanted to go with me when we were apart, then when we got together and Comic Con rolled around he wasn't interested. Now with this old ex, waning me to meet him there, even offering to get me in for free, than when I get there, poof, he's buried in customers and I can't find him nor my way from A to Z because the place is so packed with people.
For the little time I was there I enjoyed myself, until I pulled my back out dodging out of the way of some stupid asshole kids...yep I'm becoming an old lady...lol

Oh well...at least I got my gift from him...which was really rather neat.
He got me a handmade Klingon slave girl statue that he had showed me years ago and had said reminded him of me. She's got the same body type as me except a little lighter on a few pounds, and when I saw her it was the first time I saw my body shape in a positive light. You see my ex never had a problem with my body. He seemed to like it just the way it was, though I had my issues, so when I saw this statue it was like seeing myself the way he saw me and for the first time I saw myself as being sexy. Back then I had wanted to buy it, but the man who had made it only made two and both had sold out. Well it turns out my Ex never forgot how much I loved it, contacted the guy and convinced him to sculpt one more, which he then bought for me and held on to it for all these years.
Pretty impressive for a guy who can be and still is such a dick...lol

So since I started writing this blog it's been a little over a month of Kickboxing and I've lost a total of 10 pounds, which isn't that much considering the time, but when I look at the bigger picture I was actually amazed at my progress.

When I began the class it worked me so hard I left it completely wasted and wanting to puke. My legs were shaking making walking a challenge and any stairs I encountered became a scary obstacle. Then that weekend my body literally shut down. Moving any part of my body became excruciating, I was walking like Frankenstein and stairs became a ridiculous impossibility because the pain would actually buckle my knees. In fact that weekend I became stuck in my aunts basement, only going up if my bladder was busting and only by double stepping every stair. I needed about 4 days to recover each time, but even though it was painful somehow it felt like good pain. I felt parts of my body hurt I didn't even know had muscle. So at the beginning I had to arrange my schedule so I could take the class and be out of commission for 4 days, not an easy task when your going to school too, which meant I could go once a week only. So I started once a week for about three weeks before my body and stamina were strong enough to do it twice a week. I couldn't change how I ate right away because of my busy schedule. But exercising as hard as I was made me want to take control of what I was putting into my body. I spent a little money on a juicer, bought a well received liquid vitamin, and slowly replaced all sugar drinks in my house with seltzer, and ordered crap with healthy options. Now I find when I indulge in something bad it'll taste funny, or taste too sweet. Because of that I find myself even more unconsciously drawn to healthy options.

But the biggest change has been in my body.

They always say don't trust the scale trust your clothing, well they were fucking right!!

It started off with little things like going up hills took less effort, my thighs seemed thinner or my school bag didn't feel as heavy. But now it's showing in the way my stomach is disappearing, in my posture, and in the way my body responds to my workouts. Hell...I did 20 partnered push ups the other day where you push up then high five your partner, and I've never done 20 push ups in my LIFE, plus I did them straight without stopping....lol

 But now after I finish a workout I may feel physically exhausted, but I feel energized at the same time. I end up refreshed and look forward to my next workout though I know afterward I'm gonna pay. I'm craving it but now that I'm seeing results the pain seems worth it.

Ok...Since this blog is already too long...I'll leave the other stuff (namely school stuff) for another blog...

(Picture above I took at Comic Con)

IT'S ALIVE: The Resurrection of Running My Ass OFF...

So...this has been a long time coming but it needed to happen...
I'm bringing back to life my "get fit" campaign called "Running My Ass OFF"...because I'm tired of being out of shape and allowing all my stress to expand the size of my Ass!
The only thing is I'm gonna roll this in a bit of a different direction and I am no longer going to do it all on my own...
I've decided I needed help and that help is coming in the form of kickboxing classes...

Yes...I am now taking kickboxing classes...HA!

It's funny cause with everything that's been going on, it was my stress that actually gave me the idea...
After finding out my uncle had been diagnosed with lymphoma my stress level hit a whole new high. I found myself mad almost all the time and if I didn't want to cry I wanted to hit something. So every time I went to my aunts house, if I started to feel angry or upset, I would make use of the neglected punching bag in her basement gym.
Not only did I find that punching and kicking the living shit out of it helped tremendously, but I found it came almost naturally to me. I wasn't flaying my arms like a girl, but I was hitting and kicking like I had training and I was enjoying it. I enjoyed how tired I would get after a few punches and kicks, but how I wanted to do more. How I would feel calmer afterward, yet strangely energized and invigorated.
So I started looking into kickboxing classes.

I did the Google searches and asked people I knew, but the one place that kept coming up was ILoveKickboxing.com. At first I was skeptical since the web sight looked like one of those low graphic "as seen on TV" bogus sights that turns out not to be legitimate, but what kept it on my radar was it's multiple locations (one a couple of subway stops from my school), their web deal of 3 classes for $20 including free gloves (no not promoting just stating facts), and finally that my favorite Biggest Loser Tara Costa is there official spokesperson (yea I know...but she was the only person I could stand on that show...lol)
So I put it to the side for awhile nervous if I should take the plunge and if it would be worth it, when my mother comes to me telling me about this sight she found for a kickboxing classes and my aunt tells me she also passed by a kickboxing gym and got me its info. Both of them had found the same place I had on there own, and my aunt had actually gone to the location I was interested in and said it looked good.

For me that was it. Like a sign from the fates telling me to "just do it already!". As you can imagine, when the universe yells at you that loudly, you better start listening, so that night I signed up and the next day I made an appointment for my first class that Friday.
I did it, I took the plunge, so now it's just a matter of seeing if my body can handle it...

I'll talk about my first few classes in my next installment called "Kickboxing my Ass Off"...

Left Behind: Many Months Of Updates...

I've been dealing with so many things...so much shit I don't know where to begin.... and because of that I'm afraid this blog is going to sound like a rather long self pity party...so let me start with the good.

I've been studying hard and aced my midterm, (got 102% which is because I got the 4 point extra credit but lost 2 points for mislabeling one of my answers) and got a 98% on my final (which I was actually pissed about) which landed me an exact score of 100% for the whole class which means I hold on to that 4.0 GPA....But that's about it for the good news...

As for the bad (and I'll try to keep most of this brief in order to avoid sounding like I'm whining...)...

Lets start with the weight gain since my breakup...
He made me feel like a cow and now I've turned into more of a cow. Granted it's only 10 pounds but that's A LOT! I know part of it is the depression but also how he made me feel before I left. I've come to realized that my weight is my way of hiding from people, especially men, like a protection mechanism. So for instance if I feel bad about myself I don't want people to see me, so I eat more and gain weight, in a sense becoming invisible to most people. The better I feel about myself, and my body, the more I like myself the way I am, the more weight I loose because I don't mind people seeing me. It took me so many years to build up my confidence, to be ok with people noticing me again, and once I started feeling good about myself, even when I was really heavy, is when the weight started to really come off. It's just the way I seem to work. The happier I am with myself, the more weight I loose and the happier I become. The more I hate my body, the more weight I gain, and the more I hate myself. They're a domino effect that once started, is hard to stop. My break up got me falling in the wrong direction and now I'm struggling to catch up and stop it so I can get it moving in the right direction again.
But the break up isn't the only reason I've been gaining weight. Stress worrying over my family is another factor.

First there was my Mom, breaking right wrist on Mothers Day....and yes she is right handed...
We had just gotten back from a great dinner at my aunts house and were walking the dog, when this lady came up on us with her two sheep dogs leading the way. Max was in the middle of peeing on a tree when one of her dogs barked at us, and Max lunged sending my mother flying into the sidewalk face first, her feet unstable because of the trees roots. I saw her fall, forward on her hands and knew from the way she landed that it was bad, but had to chase after Max before things got worse. So jumping into the dog fight without even thinking about how dangerous that is, I got my hands on Max, got him in control and rushed back to my mother to help her up. From the way she was holding her right wrist I knew she was hurt bad, but it wasn't till I asked her if she was ok, and she replied "no", an answer she never gives me, that I knew we were headed to the ER.
She had fractured her wrist and broke her ring finger to the point that they needed to put pins in and she had to go on disability, so since that night I've been running the house.
I walk the dog, cook, clean, fill out forms and pay what bills that need checks or signatures (as my mom can't write with her left hand) all while going to school, and work. I guess the silver lining in all this is that I always knew I could run a house, but it's different now that I'm actually doing it. Sure I'm exhausted, but its a "proud of myself" kind of exhaustion, and by stepping up without being asked, I've seemed to have earned another level of my mothers respect.

Then finally the thing that has me the most stressed. The thing that has kept me up at night and edgy is whats been going on with my uncle.
My uncle has a tumor growing behind his ear, right over his limp-nodes, and we found out it's lymphoma. He's had it for months, and since he doesn't have insurance, he goes to a clinic which means it takes forever to get anything done. He had a biopsy done but when the results came back inconclusive, they decided he had to have a surgical biopsy done. 
The week after my birthday is when they scheduled his surgery, and even though I went straight from my night class to catch a 10pm train out to NJ so I could go with him to the hospital, he didn't want me there.
He made some excuses about how I needed to stay home with the dog, and when I tried to tell him the dog would be fine he got mad. So even though it broke my heart I stayed at the house because this wasn't about me and all I wanted was for him to be ok, one way or the other.
So I sat in my aunts house hurt and worried. Jumping at every phone call while wallowing in self pity, but still my mind understood why he didn't want me there. He was scared, and he didn't want anyone, let alone me, to see him like that. I understood because the same thing happened when his Mom my Grandma passed away. His way of dealing with something he's afraid of, something he can't control or runaway from is to lash out, especially at those closest to him.
I dealt with my pain for weeks, and he continued to push people away, until my Mom stepped in and had a talk with him about it.
This wasn't something to handle alone, especially not when he has so many people who love him and are there to help. Even the doctor told him not to deal with this alone. That when your dealing with something like cancer it's important to have people around you to help you, because it's so overwhelming on your own you could forget things, or even not show up for treatment.
When he saw what he was doing, things changed. Not only did he welcome Moms help he wanted me around too. And when I didn't understand why my mother told me that if he had to have anyone around he wanted me because I was one of the few people he felt safe with and could talk to.
As you can imagine, that made me cry because this man is one of the most important people in my life. When my father wasn't around he was there, taking me to class, picking me up from ballet or swimming, teaching me how to hit a ball or do a proper sleeper hold. He's the man I compare other men to. He's my Dad/older annoying brother. 
So I put away past pain, prepared for any future ugliness, and dove in.
Since then we found out about what type of lymphoma it is, and how its not curable, but because it's in its early stages and hasn't spread it can be treated. That he has to undergo radiation but not chemo and with any  luck once the cancer is treated it shouldn't make another appearance for a few years.

In a nut shell....no matter what happens, no matter how much stress I have to endure, no matter how broken, or beaten I sometimes feel, not matter how fat my ass gets, one thing I can swear...
If he or anyone else in my family needs me I'll be there, because I wouldn't have all that I have, or been able to deal with the shit the fates have put in my way without them...
I will keep fighting...for them and for me...

Always and forever...

This is a Blog for a few of my ASSHOLE Prospective Suitors....

I am as of this moment sitting in my living room, unable to sleep worried about if tomorrow I find out that my uncle, who is like my father, has lymphoma...so I'm not in a writing kind of mood...but this is something that's been bothering me and I have to get it off my chest before I go off on someone...
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I don't know if the guys who are interested in me even read my blog and frankly I don't really care. I am tired of feeling like a wounded animal surrounded by jackals waiting for me to die!
If I tell you I just got out of a relationship, with the only man I've ever loved, and that I need time, why would you push it??

It's been about 3 months since my breakup...
I don't know if this tactic has worked on women in the past, or if you think because I'm wounded that I'm weak and an easy fuck, but all that does is piss me the FUCK Off!!
If I say I need time, guess what that means, that I fucking need time!!
I don't need anyone telling me that I have to get over it, I'll get over it when I'm fucking ready to and not before!!
And where the FUCK do you get the balls to TELL ME that I need to get over it already because
"he didn't love you.."
HOLY SHIT!! ARE YOUR FUCKING KIDDING ME??
How in Gods name do you even let that come out of your mouth??
You don't think I know that!!
You don't think that's the main reason I finally decided to break up with him!!
How Dare YOU!!!!

I really don't understand men anymore...
When I say I need time, I NEED TIME...
It's not rocket science people...I don't say one thing and mean another...I'm pretty straight forward about things when I'm able to talk about it...
So if I say I need time, then either you be a friend and give me that time or walk the fuck away...
If and when I'm ready to pursue a relationship with you, I'll let you know...
If your still single then great, if not, so be it...but I'm not gonna rush into something like some fucking insecure bimbo who can't stand on her own two feet for more then five minuets.

I've been single before and it's no skin off my noes...
Sure I have a libido to rival any man, but guess what, technology is a wonderful thing....

Fucking ASSHOLES!!!

I Can't Believe I Forgot to Write About My Tattoos!!!!!

Yep...I got me some tattoos!!!
By no means my first tattoos, but definitely the most significant since the very first one I got when I turned 18.

Not only are they my first truly visible tattoos (my others are on my back), what they represent is a new stage in my life that I've worked so hard to get to but never believed I would actually achieve. They represent getting my life back on track, getting back to school, getting into college, and completing my very first semester.

They are wolf paws (actual sized) with a scene of a tee-pee and fire under a full moon and dusk sky within one, and a wolf eye looking through the paw print back out at you, in the other...

Now I know what some of you are gonna say about tattoos...
That here's just another woman ruining her future by marking herself up like some common floozy, limiting her choices of employment, and even limiting her pool of potential mates. That just like everyone else she picks some random "symbol" to represent some meaning that no one but her will understand, so they will seem confusing to everyone else. That I'll look horrible when I'm old and my tattoos are all warped and saggy...yea...yea...heard them all....
But unlike a lot of these people out here who are getting tattoos because they are following a growing fad, I've loved tattoos since I was old enough to form vowels. The idea of wearing someones artwork as a part of you forever I always found fascinating and beautiful. The fact that it's reminiscent and originated from of ancient tribal practices that used them to mark important times in a persons life appealed to me most of all. That's why each tattoo I have I got during an important time in my life. Each one is a way of remembering an important time in my life, an important step in my journey, and by setting a reminder within my skin, I never forget it or the pain that it took to get me there.

These kick ass tattoos were done by an equally kick ass artist by the name of Alex Sherker, who lives on Wizard Mountain...;-)
An old acquaintances from when I was a teenager and going to native ceremony's. He's a big guy who probably could break me like a twig, and has probably broken others, but was nothing but a sweet gentlemen with a twisted and warped sense of humor (so u know he's my people).
He's basically a tall bearded wizard who welds a tattoo wand, a funny ass dude and a great guy. Plus if your lucky, he'll introduce you to his second in command Genkie (hope I spelled that right), his beautiful dingo mix.
Right now he's doing private tattoos out of his studio in New York but because his web sight is currently down, the best way to contact him is on Facebook.

The weirdest part is I found him by mistake. I was looking for a good tattoo studio in Manhattan, close to school and discovered a shop called  East Side Ink...While looking through their porfolio, the high level of skill that these guys possessed actually made me giddy with excitement, but then I saw a familar face. I couldn't place it at first until I saw some old pictures my teacher had up on her Facebook page and realized I met the dude years ago when I was in high school. It was then I knew this was the guy who was gonna do my tattoo. It was way too coincidental. So I started up communication, found out he was just as cool as I remembered and got the ball rolling.

It took 3 1/2 - 4 hours (can't quite remember since I was high on endorphin's by the end of it...lol), with a 5 min break between each arm. Probably should have done each arm in separate sessions, but between wanting to be a bad ass, needing to get the pain over with so I wouldn't pussy out, and anxiously wanting to see it all finished, I pushed through.

Some people though excited about me getting my tattoos at first had a bit of a reverse reaction once they finally saw how big they were and where they were placed. My aunts who loved the idea of me getting ink all of a sudden seemed shocked and worried that they were too big and would be too visible, but eventually got over it and became positive again.
Then my uncles, who I expected a strong negative reaction from because of how they had reacted when I had revealed my first couple tattoos, seemed to handle it better then their sisters.
My mom of course was solid and unchanging with her enthusiasm. Not only accompanying me when I got the tattoos, but was chomping at the bit to help me plan my next one.
But I began to realized my family weren't the only ones reacting to my new tattoos.

I was now getting side glances on the train as well as funny looks while walking down the street. But this, unlike my families reaction, I found rather humorous.
So I began fucking around with people on my train rides to class. I would make sure I left the house looking very cute and sweet, but making sure my tattoos were covered. Then when I got on the train, nice and comfortably seated, I'd raise my sleeves and watch the fireworks of popping eyelids and double takes.
It's like smorgasbord of expressions, my favorite being confusion...lol

So yes...I got me a pair of bold tattoos...the first ones I don't need a mirror and gymnastic flexibility to look at and I'm super happy with them. I've already started to forget they're even there and am already thinking about my next one...
The only thing is I have yet to tell my father...because I know he's NOT gonna react well and because I'm a chicken shit...
I might be able to sit through almost constant pain like a bad ass but I'm still a chicken on some things....

Well....at least I'm an honest chicken...lmao!

30 and in College: Finals, Broken Limbs, and GPAs...

So much has happened I don't know where to begin…

This bittersweet month started off with me in a funk over the breakup, had me smiling and feeling like I got a bit of myself back by the end of the week, only to emotionally crash land after a scare on Mothers Day, all the while I had finals to deal with as well as family heath scares that were on my mind.

It started when I had my last English class before the our final.
He gave us the normal three subjects to write about, except this time all three subjects were questions on the two articles we had to read for our final essay.

Kind of a practice run.

So I picked the one I felt most passionate about and got to writing.
It just flowed out of me, paragraph after paragraph, and before I knew it, I had written much more then the needed 500 words, with enough time to go over my work.
And of course we had to read what we had written out loud. Now normally I'm a "closer" or the one the teacher calls on at the end of class to end things on a high note, since my classmates seem to  like what I write so much. But today the teacher decided to throw me a curve ball and called on me first.
Time stood still as I read out loud the words that moments ago were just puffs of smoke in my mind. and when I was done, I heard something I've never heard before...applause.
Some of my classmates actually applauded, while others laughed appreciatively and smiled at me. In a strange way, this acceptance and appreciation of my writing was worse then when they couldn't understand the meaning of my work and judged me so harshly. I didn't know what to do with it except laugh too, even though I had an overwhelming urge to hide my head beneath my desk.
After that things went well...

I had my finals to distract me from the pain of having to say goodbye to someone loved but who wasn't good for me, and that Thursday I went into my Math final feeling pretty confident.
But then came Mothers Day...

It started out great...
Spent the day with my aunt, uncle, and Mom just relaxing. We got mani pedis, my uncle cooked dinner, we enjoyed each others company and went home very happy. Once home Mom and I took the dog out for his evening walk.
As our Max was peeing a waterfalls worth of urine on the tree in front of our building, a woman came up the block with her two sheep dogs leading. Now if you know dogs you know if they're leading, your not in control of them, and this woman saw us standing there, but kept approaching. Well all it took was one aggressive bark and lunge from one of her dogs to set Max off and he went after him, sending my mother, who was standing on the tree roots, flying forward then slamming face first onto the concrete. I saw her fall and wanted to go to her first, but my priority became Max who was now about to get into a dog fight with bad odds, two against one. So worried about my Mom and not even thinking about the dumb woman and her dogs, I jumped in the fight, grabbed my dog by his jowls, and commanded him to stop. It was as if my voice snapped him back to reality, cause he stopped immediately. I then took him and ran back to my mom who was now standing up but holding her right wrist at a strange angle. I asked her if she was ok, and she uttered something she's never said to me in all the years I've known her, she said No.

This is a woman who knows pain the way one would know a long time lover, so for her to tell me she was not ok, I knew we were going to the ER.
But the dog still had to be walked, and I couldn't argue with her about it, so I gave her the keys, took the dog around the corner to poop, then literally ran home. My legs moving faster as fearful thoughts of her passed out in the apartment with me unable to get in, flooded my brain. But she was as fine as one can be in this situation and was able to buzz me in.

I got her to the hospital fairly quickly considering, and thanks to the fact that we got there before the shift change, and that shes an employee, we were fast-tracked through the ER.
3 hours, 2 x-rays, and some dumb ass questions later (like the x-ray tech asking which arm was broken, when she was standing there holding up her right arm that was wrapped in a rather large and obvious splint), my aunt showed up, and I was promptly sent home against my will because I had my English final the very next day. I knew I wasn't going to sleep, and though they got home by 1:30am, I didn't actually fall asleep till 3am.

My aunt (who is a saint) stayed with us so that I could go to class the next day without worrying about Mom being alone.

Ha!...

Though the gesture was appreciated there was no way I wasn't going to worry, and things began to turn around when I found out that morning I got a 92% on my Math final. But that happiness quickly faded when the madness from the night before finally caught up with me in the form of a migraine right before my English final, so needless to say, I left that final feeling like I didn't do as well as I could have.

My life had turned upside down overnight...
Now...Not only did I have finals to study for, but I had Mom to worry about, a house to run, a dog to walk, dinner to make or order, chores to do, and tons of disability papers to fill out. At first it felt overwhelming, but I adapted pretty quickly reminding myself that if I lived alone, this is what I would have to do. I also didn't want Mom to feel bad, cause even though she was in crazy amounts of pain, she's the type who would still worry about everyone else before herself.
So I did what I had to do, and whenever I had to go to class during the day, or if I had a final I had to prepare for, my aunt was there to give me the support I needed.

While I abused myself mentally studying for my Music final whenever I had a free moment, that week I took Mom to see the ER's referred orthopedic surgeon.

He was great!!

Not only was he friendly, he answered all our questions without any condescension and even looked into our concern over my mothers ring finger what was swollen, and painfully bruised. I knew it had to be broken, but no one in the ER had bothered to look at it or even x-ray it. So the doc took us into an office and snapped his own x-ray's with a nifty miniature, free standing, instant x-ray machine that looked like it came right out of a futuristic scifi flick. Well thank God for Mom's little broken finger, cause when he took his x-rays, he saw a whole slew of problems that could only be fixed with surgery and the application of pins in her wrist and her finger. So we scheduled the surgery for the following Friday as that Friday I had my Music final and between me worrying about her, and her worried about me worrying instead of being relaxed for my final, there was no way we could do it that Friday.

When Friday came I got through my Music final without killing my teacher, and felt pretty good about how I did on the test. Then I spent the Saturday and Monday drooling into my Psychology book preparing for the final I had coming that Tuesday. But when Sunday rolled around, Mom and I went out to brunch with my two aunts and two of my uncles, to celebrate a proper Mothers day without anyone breaking anything.
Once home I got right back to studying, and though I wasn't able to study as well as I had hoped, when "D-Day" arrived, I went in to take my test knowing I did the best I could.

After my psychology test all there was left for me to do was to wait for my scores to be posted for the spring semester, but besides all the house hold stuff I had to do, Mom's surgery on Friday was enough on it's own to distract my mind.

So when Friday came we were ready. I had helped Mom bathe the night before, her dress (which was just easier to take on and off) was laid out, paper work was filled out and signed, and I got up an hour early (6am) to walk the dog so we could leave the house by 8am.
When we got to the hospital everything went smooth.
I signed her in, went with her to talk to the nurse, helped her change into her gown, escorted her to the holding area where they prepped her for surgery, questioned the doctors, and said my goodbye as they began to knock her out.
The surgery took and hour and a half, which I spent with my aunt at a coffee shop next to the hospital. She had arrived after we had already started the process of getting Mom ready, but thank God she was there because she was a much needed and welcome distraction.
After the hour and a half was up we headed back to the waiting room, where I decided to use my phone to check and see if they had posted my scores yet...
Well low and behold...they did....

I got all A's...which means my GPA is now a 4.0!!!
I didn't expect A's...maybe one or two but not all A's!
It was something I didn't think I could achieve...something that I never wanted to strive for because I didn't want to get my hopes up.
And as if that moment couldn't get any better, the doctor called me to tell me that Mom was fine, the surgery went perfectly, and she was now resting in recovery....
It was like everything I had worked so hard for, all my stress all my worries had just lifted off of me...
I was floating....
Not only was Mom gonna be ok if not better then before she broke her wrist, but I had great news to tell her the moment she woke up....

I'm still worried about some of the other health scares going on with my family. One of my uncles had to go into the hospital for a routine outpatient procedure and they unknowingly nicked his artery, sending him home with internal bleeding. So within 24 hours he was back in the hospital, in the ER getting blood and prepped for serious surgery to repair the damage that was caused by such a "simple procedure".
Then there's my other uncle whose has this large tumor growing in his neck, behind his ear around his limp nodes and has to have it removed. But because he doesn't have insurance it took forever to find a good doctor and once we found a doctor we had to wait on a biopsy. Then because the biopsy came back inconclusive they wont do the surgery because they need to make sure what it is so they know how much to remove because of it's dangerous placement.
This is what I've been quietly dealing with underneath everything else because talking about it makes it seem more real, and that makes me start to panic. So this is all I will say on the matter of my uncles, until I know for sure if things are going to be ok....

Now it's all a waiting game as Mom begins her long healing process, we find out about my uncles, and I begin summer classes in June...

The Happiest and Saddest I've Ever Been...

I'm gonna talk about some stuff that is hard...not gonna get into many details because it isn't just my story to tell and because like any new wound, it's still raw and bleeding....

So the Ex wanted me back, and because I loved him we started talking again.
My inner voice kept telling me not to do it, things had been going so well for me and I was finally getting over him, but another voice entered my head, the voice of doubt.

What if my instinct to not get back with him was nothing but my fear?
What if I missed out on being happy because I was afraid to trust him again?
What if my issues with my father were keeping me from giving him the second chance he deserves?

I was full of what if's and what was supposed to be our last conversation, became the beginning of our renewed relationship when he said four little words "I love you too".
I knew if I didn't give it another shot I'd regret it, because I loved him and I believed he loved me. Granted right away he backed out of that "I love you too" repeatedly, saying he wasn't in love with me yet but was sure on his way. I would laugh but my inner voice shuddered with every denial. Yet love can make you delusional, and I lied to myself choosing to believe that he loved me, but was just too scared to own it.
Being with him again was bliss, but I couldn't shake my doubt of him. So I decided to take things slow. Slower even then the last time, to truly give me time to trust him again.

But I had one condition... if he hurt me the way he did when he left, if he made me feel like I was less then, like I was inadequate, and if being with him took me off my path, I would end it.

Well you can guess what happened, because we are no longer together.
I've come too far to have anyone make me feel like shit. To make me hate myself so much that I wanted to die and could barely function. To make me hate the world for filling his head with this desire of unattainable perfection and then making me so imperfect. To make me fall in love with a man who couldn't just love me for who I am now...because during this pain I also had to face the truth, that he really didn't love me, and probably never would, not truly anyway. Because when I love, I love with my whole heart, and I deserve the same in return...

Granted...he denies it now. Tried to tell me I was wrong, making excuses for his behavior based on something that had been dealt with, and when I told him I was leaving he even called me names.
But at the beginning, when I first confronted him, his lack of outright denial was as bold a confirmation as a thunder clap....

Don't know why this song seems to ring true right now...but it does, for both me and him....

Muse - Hoodoo

Surround Yourself with "Why Not's"

A lot has happened in the last few months... some great some heartbreaking....

I don't even know where to begin...but I wanted to share this clip that made me smile because it's so true...

Take those shots...even when you crash and burn, if your still alive, keep moving. Surround yourself with people who are gonna encourage you, not those negative people who are gonna hold you back or put you down. No one should make you feel like shit, because if your anything like me, you can do enough of that on your own.

So surround yourself with "Why Not's"....(8.22)

Just a Little Something I Wrote for 4/20...

This is something I wrote on 4/20 that people kept asking where I got it...
I told them it came out of my head, that I wrote it, and was repeatedly greeted with shock...
So I choose to see that as a compliment...lmao...and I post it here for you all to read...
Funnest part about this whole thing is that I haven't smoked in a couple of years...lol

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"God looked down upon the earth and wept,
for He saw his gift of humor and merriment being cast aside.
So He in his great wisdom took the seed of truth from up on high and planted it on earth. 
The seed grew into a mighty weed and God said "Partake of this weed through breath and fire for within liesthe gates to God's truth"
So each year we honor His gift and his great truth...
That life is a greatest joke every told and that He who lives on high is the one and only comedian...

Happy 4/20 Everyone!

(photo above by danishacook52 , Photobucket, and is directly linked)

March Madness!!: Midterms, and a Cold....

So I got through midterm week...
Granted I had to take my tests while suffering through the flu, which I thought was a head cold, and that means I was trying to think/answering questions with virus impaired brain and high on cold medicine, but so far so good...
I got the results of my math midterm and funny enough I was one of the few who passed.
I got an 88% on the test which being me I'm not entirely happy about.
I know I could have done better, even though I missed only two and a half questions, but missing those questions bothers me. I've always been harder on myself then anyone else, but sometimes being too hard on yourself isn't good. So I keep reminding myself that I am sick, and if I can get that score while sick, who knows how well I would have done otherwise. Which I will prove on my final.
I have yet to find out about my Music test (my asshole teacher was out), and hopefully this week I can find out how I did on my Psyciology Midterm since that's the one I'm really nervous about.
**********
I found out about both my Psychology and Music Midterm....
I got an 82% on my Psychology and an 85% on my Music....
I should be able to raise my midterm score once my extra credit is applied and I didn't even study for my Music test...guess flu riddled me scores in the 85% range. Just hope I do as well on my finals....

My March Madness!!: Dragged Home by the Moon...

I can't write much...waay to tired...but I'll give a quick rundown of what's been going on...

Not only am I going to school full time, but now I am working with an accountant helping to audit buildings for tax season.

How did I get broken-in to this new exciting world of auditing?...(you ask)...
By auditing one of the richest men in NYC...
Now I wont say who, because the power this man has scares the living crap out of me, and my paranoia is keeping me cautious, but think TV show where B list celebrities compete for charity, he owns towering building all over Manhattan, and has that famous hair that hasn't changed in over 30 years...

If the hair thing didn't clue you in then I don't know what will...lol

As for me...this will probably be the only blog I post for the month as March is Midterm month and I'm up to my eyeballs in textbooks, notes, PowerPoint lectures, and a veritable mountain of stress...


Oh and let me not forget to mention how I started off this month of nail biting, soda drinking, laptop back breaking, candy eating, suit wearing madness...
Going through my friends list on Facebook, I discovered that my Ex had reactivated his old account and since Valentines day had full access to everything on my page and everything I posted....
I can't tell you how much that hurt. 
To find out he had been watching/reading everything and never said a word. To know that he's curious but not enough to actually talk to me. It was like my newly scabbed up tear in my heart had cracked open and I literally felt a throbbing weight in my chest. I quickly rectified the situation, somewhat doubting that he even knew about it. That maybe he wasn't checking my page the way I thought he was, that was until I got a friend request from him that quickly got deleted less then 24 hours after I un-friending him. 
Now I knew he was checking my page and I knew he was doing it often, or that friend request was one hell of a coincidence, so I had to find out why...I deserved that much after the privacy violation.
So though I didn't want to, I emailed him asking him that very question...Why??
He apologized and sort of explained...but when you don't even know your own motivations, how can you explain them to anyone else. 
I was polite, but that's about it. I didn't want to get engaged in a conversation, because of how easily I can get sucked in, so I kept things short, semi-friendly, and cut it off. 
It still bothers me, but luckily I don't have much time to think about that shit anymore.


I'm moving on...

(picture above of a really HUGE Full Moon that greeted me after my last class of the night)

Just A Little Something for the Ear Holes...

Just a little something that made me smile...

Gnarls Barkley - Going On (Official)

30 and in College: Walking the Writers Gauntlet...

So College is in full swing and I am pooped to say the least...
I had my first traumatizing encounter with ignorant criticism in my English class over a piece I wrote about mothers. I based my piece on the Makepeace Thackeray quote:

"Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children."

Granted, I knew the quote because of the movie "The Crow" but it stayed with me and I felt it was a good jumping off point to describe what motherhood means to me...


Oh why did I do that!!


I know that even mentioning the word God in any public place is a dangerous thing because people don't hear past the word, but I didn't expect it to be that bad...
Instead of my classmates hearing the point of what I wrote they heard that I was saying mothers are like God, or are God, and before I knew it, every person commenting on my piece was using the word offended either because they were spiritual or because they don't believe in God. Even one person said something about that she was offended because "what about women who get raped...." which I don't even know where that came from.
Only one person got the point of my 30 min essay, and understood that what I was expressing was the sentiment of the quote. That the way a baby feels or sees their mother is similar to the way some people feel about their God, and that to be a mother is a great responsibility.
Later after the shock of that shit storm passed (took a few days) I was able to laugh at it. 
I finally had me a true writers moment. To be a writer is to express yourself, open your heart, and risk getting it trampled on for the sake of your art.


I walked the gauntlet of the writer.


But it wasn't until I had go back to that class and read another essay out loud (I was so nervous I wanted to puke) that I knew I was going to be ok. 
Ironically enough one of the topics our teacher gave us that day was terror. So I wrote about my issues with stage fright, the very thing I was coping with in that moment. 
I described terror and how it wasn't anything like fear, which it is confused with so often in our society. I told of my first experience with stage fright, describing in first person detail what I went through. But this time after I finished reading my piece to the class, I got nothing but really positive comments and high praise. They loved it, they loved how I wrote, how I made them feel what I was going through, how clear I was, and some even said I should write novels because listening to my essay made them want to hear more.
It was like I had entered an alternate universe, a Bizarro world if you will. Within a week I went from being the shit on the bottom of everyone's shoe, to a writer worthy of publishing novels.


I wont lie...I left that classroom feeling high as a kite. But as I was leaving I checked myself. 
Man can be a fickle creature. We can love something one minuet and despise it the next. Just because they liked my latest piece doesn't mean they will love my future essays. I can fall from grace just as easily as I rose.

The way I see it is at least I now know that I can survive a painful shit storm of criticism and come out the other side swinging.


I am finally walking the true path of the writer... 

(Photo by gotitlikethat97 ,  Photobucket and is directly linked)

Quick Vent About After Valentine's Blues...

So I had a pretty decent Valentine's Day, things went pretty smoothly and the thoughts I had of my ex (if not brought up in conversation) were less then I anticipated. Then like some celestial joke, I found a myself spending all day yesterday thinking about him...

Sure I had the internal yellathon with my mind to shut up about him, but nothing I did to distract myself worked. I found myself imagining him waiting for me after class in front of my school, looking at every parked motorcycle really hard to see weather it was his, double taking on every tan old school car I saw, or hoping he would be miraculously waiting for me when I got home. I kept seeing things and places that reminded me of him, for instance the places where we would park and listen to music for an hour (besides making out), the coffee shop where we went on our first date, or my stoop where we would talk for hours after he brought me home....and then I realized all these places are right by where I live and I can't get away from them. Almost like he pre-planned for most of our memories to take place in my neighborhood so if we broke up he wouldn't have to deal with them....I know a kinda fucked up thing to imagine, and I know he would't and probably couldn't think that far ahead, but I found it rather unfair that I have to be the one who is constantly reminded of a relationship that didn't work...

So now that I've vented about it I'm taking these thoughts and putting them to the side. I can't live in the past and I have a bright future ahead of me. There are plenty of fish in the sea, especially tall tattooed, bearded fish, and who knows where my next adventure in romance will lead.
I also will begin to focus on blogging about non ex stuff. I was reading my old blogs and I gotta get that flow back...

(Photo above is from an inspiration of mine Seth Casteel who takes amazing photos of animals.)

(Check out his web sight at littlefriendsphoto.com)

Happy V-Day or Happy Singles Awareness (or Appreciation) Day!!! And a Happy Surprise...:-)

Yes...Today is Valentine's Day...
Now normally I am not a fan of the day, except for the excellent sales on candy and my affinity for candy hearts which you can only find today. But I am a fan of Romance, I never found anything Romantic about a forced day of affection. So I was pleasantly surprised that this Valentine's Day actually went rather well.

I was dreading having to go to class, being surrounded by all those children being gooey and mushy with their sweet smelling perfumes, pink outfits, flowers, and balloons, when I rather do my norm which is chill in front of the TV watching the annual cheaters marathon on G4.
So I prepared for the onslaught by dressing in some of my favorite geek war wear and mentally prepared myself for the public affection and giggly bobble-headed females.
Instead what I got was the complete opposite.
From the moment I got on the train, I realized I was surrounded by my people. Hard working people who were just trying to get to their destination without drama, and for them, today was just like any other day.
It was actually rather surreal and I found myself scanning people looking for any hint of hidden Valentine's paraphernalia like any red or pink clothing, flowers, or gifts.
I found nothing.
In fact, some of the women looked as if they hadn't even bothered pulling themselves together to go out or for that matter hadn't bothered to shower, while the men were wearing beat-up casual clothing, or normal office attire. Funny enough, I think I had on the most makeup in my part of the train car, which for me consists of average nude eye makeup and a bit of lip gloss...lol

From that train ride on, the day went on like any other day.
Got to school, went to class, and left.
I noticed a few people with flowers or balloons in the halls, but they were so few and far between that it wasn't even an annoyance. It was as if almost everyone in school was like me and for once I was part of the majority....felt rather strange. In fact, the term Singles Awareness Day came from a classmate of mine who was wishing the whole class a Happy Singles Awareness Day. Until he uttered the term I didn't even know us single people had a holiday of our own to counteract Valentine's Day, so I Googled it.
On my way home I again saw the noticeable lack of Valentine's Days sticky love hemorrhage that would normally be everywhere and on everyone. No giggly bobble-headed clones, no idiots trying to fit 20 balloons on a crowded subway train, and no young couples pawing each other in public, making out full on french style for the world to see.

So the thing I was afraid of didn't happen. I got through the day without needing to shower away residual glitter or funky odors... Then as if to make my day end even better, as I was leaving my subway station, I was surprised by my mother and my big mush ball Baby Huey of a dog.
Seeing them waiting for me, my big dog pulling to get to me with his big fluffy tail wagging madly just made my night.
What a nice way to end my evening, being greeted by those I love the most.

Did I have a few bad moments?
Sure...it is Valentine's Day after all and I'm newly single after breaking up with the first man I ever loved, so memories are gonna pop up causing melancholy thoughts, but I pushed through them pretty well.

Then the final cherry on top of my day was finding out I can fit into a size 12 jeans again....
HOLY FUCK!!!
and I'm not talking about squeezing into them, but just putting them on. Sure I still had to do the butt tuck trick where you contract the butt muscles as you pull the jeans up (my big bootay is always gonna be an issue) but I hardly had to do that.
I guess even though I'm not exercising, all this running around is still burning those calories...

So this Valentine's Day went from anticipated horror, to any other boring day, and actually ended better then most days.  If this isn't proof of a higher power, I don't know what is....lmao!

 (Photo above of me wearing my favorite geek shirt and the beautiful prayer beads my cousin made.)

30 and in COLLEGE: My First Full Week(worries)....plus other junk...

As I type this I am sitting in my aunts basement freezing my tits off, open schoolbooks, notebook, and laptop surrounding me, pen tucked behind my ear, highlighter clenched in my teeth, but I'm also using what little energy I have left not to kill my uncle who is currently singing karaoke Christian POP at the top of his lungs....

Needless to say, my somewhat noise-canceling earphones are in my ears utilizing a white noise app that I found which is currently flooding my eardrums with the soothing sound of rain and thunder, so at least I can getaway from the madness somewhat.

As you can imagine from the above, I'm a bit on edge...but it's not just because I'm trapped in an ironically cold HELL full of bad christian music, it's not because my cousin is once again being a selfish ungrateful douchebag and has disappeared with my aunts van uncaring of her need to use it today or our need to use it tonight to get home, nor is it because I'm having a pretty bad pain flare up and I'm on the rag, but because I'm exhausted after my first full week of school and scared I wont make it.

I didn't expect it to be easy, but after the first week, I wont lie, I'm fearful that I've gone over my head and that I'm doing too much. Everyday I have class, three days a week I have two classes back to back. Mostly general requirements, and 1 elective which is my Psychology class. The classes themselves aren't the problem as much as is the labor involved in lugging my heavy bag, back and forth everyday on the subway. I keep telling myself that in a month this trip back and forth will seem like nothing, but I can't help feeling that nagging doubt creep up my spine every time I come home and my body literally collapses in on itself. I know this flare up is a direct result of the stress I put my body through this week, and I'm afraid I'm going to set all my progress back because it's too much for my body to handle.
Plus, if my interview (which has been rescheduled for the 23rd of this month) goes well, I will have a job to go to on top of the other job assisting my uncle with his accounting job, both of which will fill up what remaining time I have left, and will require more lugging around of my heavy ass bag.
So to say the least I'm worried. I wanna believe I can do this, that I can handle it, but I can't help but feel like I might have bitten off more then I can chew.

Not much I can do about it except wait and see...for now I will try to enjoy Superbowl Weekend, cheer for my Giants, and do my best not to kill my uncle or my cousin...lol

(photo by Photobucket, zag7734 and is directly linked) 

UPDATE! I Did the ONE Thing a Women Should NOT Do if Trying to Get Over an Ex...

So this week has started off like shit... but first let me back track a bit...

I was supposed to see my old ex cause he had a gift for me. That hasn't happened and I doubt it will happen anytime soon. We talk sporadically via email but that's about it.
I thought I was ready to move on romantically, but I'm not.
I'm in that limbo place where I can't go back but I'm not ready to move forward. Just thinking about going on a date makes me panicky. I can't even talk to a guy without feeling guilty, and when I do I get mad at myself because why the hell should I feel guilty, he walked away not me. I'm single now so I shouldn't feel obligated to someone who doesn't want me, who wouldn't fight to make it work...
Ok...drifted a bit...lol

I had my BIG interview on Monday and spent all weekend preparing for it. Thanks to some asshole on the subway knocking my papers from my hands, and my nerves, I screwed up and have to reschedule my interview.
I had to show up with two forms of identification. A government issued ID, my Social Security Card, as well as my original diploma and another copy of my resume. When I got to the interview I could't find my SS Card and they wouldn't let me interview without it. I couldn't believe I screwed up and forgot my SS Card. I felt like such an idiot. A weekend of prep, getting all dressed up and heading downtown, only to have to come back like some looser with my tail between my legs. Then when I got home, I emptied my folder only to find my SS Card stuck to the inside lip of the folder.
It was like a punch to my gut.
I just keep seeing that woman's face who told me I had to leave, that I had to call back at the end of the month to reschedule, that look of pity.
I know it's my pride that's hurting, my ego, but I don't know how to make the pain stop.

Oh and to top it all off I did something Royally STUPID.
I was trying to remember what kind of car my ex drove, so I decided to see if I could find the picture he emailed me two years ago.
What did I do that for....
I ended up skimming through all our old emails, when he was so excited to talk to me he'd email me multiple times a day at all hours, so fast I couldn't keep up, and then I came across our first few emails.
I couldn't help myself, I read them...
The first time we talked about our personal lives, our first picture exchanges (G rated), and the worse one was him spontaneously asking me out for the first time.
How nervous he was to ask, and I remembered how nervous I was to accept. How last min it was, and how I decided that I liked him enough to be spontaneous too.
GOD why did I read that shit!!!!
I think I was already in a depressed place and just unconsciously decided to make it worse...
Misery loves company....fuck fuck FUCK!!

But if you know me you know I wont allow myself to feel this way for long.
If anything, feeling sad actually make me mad because I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now. School is starting Friday and I'm finally doing what I was always afraid of doing before...
I'm FINALLY living my life... and I'm not gonna let a little bump in the road fucking defeat me!
SHIT!!

(AMAZING! Photo above directly linked from Photobucket and dcvsqueen)

(I would totally get that tattoo!!!)

Yea..Yea...its Another Blog about the Damn Breakup....

You ever have one of those moments where you hear a song that you've heard a billion times but for whatever reason, now it hits a chord. This time it makes sense, and it brings back a flood of memories you didn't need nor want to remember.
Well that's what happened to me with the song Glycerine by Bush.

It made me think of happier times, sitting in the car with the ex, listening to his vast collection of music that he couldn't wait to share with me. Of his smile as he would lean back driving with one hand on the steering wheel.

Fucking Hell!

January 2012...New Start...and BIG UPCOMING CHANGES!!!

Ok I've been soo busy I don't even know where to begin....
Let me start off to say this is not a blog about my love life. I currently don't have one and I'm actually fine with that. So many good things are happening that wallowing in self pity or looking for some guy to fill the void left by the Ex isn't really important now...

So where to begin...how about at the beginning....;-)

Being unemployed and without many connection, I had asked my mother back in November to keep an ear out for any mention of jobs where she works at the hospital. Then one day she tells me how at the union meeting they talked about how people don't seem to understand what is appropriate for the workplace anymore. The union leader discussed how they've had tons of people coming in to work and coming to interviews 45mins late in jeans and flip flops. When she told me what he said and the stories he told, I couldn't believe how so many people could be so unprofessional. So many people, people like me, need jobs and yet you have these people who just don't care. It boggles the mind.
Well she told me she spoke to the union head about me and my need for a job and he told her that she should get him my resume. That he would make sure it gets to the top of the list back at human resources since he knew that any kid of hers would be a hard worker. So jumping at the opportunity I fine tuned my resume, printed it, and gave it to her the very next day.
Well the holidays came and went, with no call from the hospital or the union for me to come in for an interview. I just figured I didn't have enough experience or education to be considered and forgot about. Then a few days after new years, as I was preparing for the madness of my upcoming college experience, I get a call from the union telling me I have an interview for the 23rd. The woman told me what I needed to bring, where I needed to go, what time, that I will be taking a typing test, and even to dress for an interview (like I needed telling).
I was in shock. I literary screamed after I hung up the phone.
Sure I may not land the job, but I got the interview!!!
Just getting an interview is so hard now a days...and who knows...maybe just showing up in slacks and a blazer will be enough to make them give me a chance...lol

The other big thing that's been going on has been college.
I got all my paperwork in to clear me for registration and all I was missing was orientation and advisement.
I was finally sent an invitation to what they call a New Student Assembly on the 11th which is a orentation ceremony to welcome new students to the school. So with some anxiety I pulled myself together, went and it was badly charming.
We were greeted as we entered the doorway by uncomfortable students yelling
"WELCOME! TO BMCC!!
START HERE GO ANYWHERE!"
while handing out plastic welcome bags. I couldn't help but smile at the embarrassed student standing in front who was in charge of yelling Welcome as he handed me my bag. As we entered the theater, there was a band playing on the right hand side of the stage, blasting there pop-fusion music more at us more then in greeting, and of course I was sitting right in front of them. I felt like I was in that movie "10 Things I Hate About You" except the music was worse.
So we sat there watching the band while we went through our college goody bags, where we each recieved a program, a student handbook, a pen, a weird triangle shaped highlighter, as well as information on the "Freshman Year Experience: Lunch, Advisement, and Registration" that was to follow in the next two days depending on our major. After being auditorily attacked by the band we were introduced to our President, our Vice President, and my new favorite, our Vice President of Student Affairs Dr. Marva Craig. Former graduate from BMCC, she went to Hunter for her Bachelors, NYU for her Masters, then she got her Doctorate in Education from Teachers College and Columbia University. She is a walking talking success story and she was great, funny, a no bull kinda lady, and she knew her shit!
We then had to sit through a very uncomfortably bad dance performance, more talking, a great poem reading, and finally a song sung by a former graduate that was fantastically done, before we were broken into smaller groups based on our major to find out more about what we planed on studying.
It was here that I decided my major which I will discuss later...;-)

So the next day I woke up a 5am and went to the FYE (Freshman Year Experience) where we were locked in the theater for 4 hours worth of a lectures on what it means to be a student, what we need to know, and our responsibility's as students.
Boy! By the end of it my ass was really numb, so when they finally released us for lunch and advisement handing us flash drives and little paper lunch bags, I was grateful. That was before I realized at what speed the rest of this "Experience"was about to take place.

I had just barely had gotten to my table when an adviser was at my side asking me questions and telling me which classes I would need to take. Next thing I knew they were calling everyone who had been advised (which was me) to head to registration. So now I'm following a line of students, coat, advisement sheet, and paper lunch bag clutched to my chest, praying I had everything still with me, while heading up escalators, and trooping through the halls of the school only to end up in the computer lab where we were to register online.
I was shown to a computer, where I finally got to dump my stuff only to find out that I couldn't register yet because I hadn't been cleared through the system (no shit!). Their way of fixing the issue was to assign me to a staff member at another computer who would "backdoor" register me. So now I had to grab all my stuff again and head over to him, where he quickly went through my classes asking me what times, and I could barely focus on what he was saying before he was sending me to the printer where my completed schedule was being printed. The staff member at the printer hands me my completed registration explaining my balance and that I would have to go to the Bursar Office to finalize my bill. I asked if I could do that online, and when she said yes, I grabbed my things, thanked her and got the fuck out of there.
I knew the classes were correct but not the times. I just prayed that when I got home, the registration issue would be fixed. That way with any luck I could calmly correct my classes and finalize my bill. The only issue left to deal with was the issue of my major.

They kept telling us that if our major was wrong or if we weren't sure what major we wanted, it wasn't a problem. But I knew better then to take that risk and had made the decision to head back to the school the next day to properly talk to an academic adviser.
When I had originally sent in my application to CUNY I didn't know what I wanted to major in, except that I knew it was going to be in the health field, so I listed my major as Undeclared Health (Nursing). Later, after I decided to go to BMCC, I decided to Major in Science because of the letter I got from Hunter College. They stated that if I got an Associate's in Science and maintained a GPA of 2.5 I was guaranteed admission to their school. Considering my goal is to become a Lab Technologist, Hunter is the way to go. So I knew I would have to change my major since Nursing would only get me an Associate in Applied Science.
During orientation when we split up into smaller groups based on Major, I went with the Science group and it was there I found out that BMCC offers the major of Biotechnology Science. It falls under the umbrella of the Science department, would gain me an AS in Science and when the professor explained that it was more geared for people interested in lab work, it was as if everything clicked into place. I knew it wouldn't be easy, very heavy on science and math, but if this is what I really wanted to do then this was my future major.


So the day after I officially registered for classes, I went to the school and followed the long process of changing my major. As it turned out I'm glad I did because the adviser showed me that one of the classes I was taking wasn't right for my new major, so after I officially changed my major I went home and changed the class. The change even made my schedule more time efficient, and now I have the time I need to work part time if I do get this job with the hospital.


On top of all of this, it seems like even if I don't get the job at the hospital, I will have a part-time job.
While all of this was taking place, I was calculating my college expenses with excel spreadsheets, and when my uncle (who is an accountant) heard I knew Excel and even enjoyed working with it, he wants me to work with him part time as his assistant. Even my father joked on hiring me when he heard I enjoy Excel...LOL!


So to sum up....
I got a job interview with the hospital coming up.
I am now "Officially" a Biotechnology Science Major at Borough of Manhattan Community College.
and finally
I got a guaranteed par-time job with my uncle...all cause I'm a Geek and like Excel...lol

If this month is any indication what 2012 will bring...
BRING IT ON BABY!!!!....LMAO!!

 (photo above of John Belushi from the movie Animal House found using Google)