Louis C.K. - Shameless

This is the comedy special that made me fall in love with this guy.
Found the whole thing on Youtube and put it together in one playlist.
Another look into the way my mind works and what I find funny...



(clips provided by eddshomie and YouTube)

I'm a WHAT!!!!...........

So...here's what happened.

I...as you know am going to a wedding.
The dress I'm wearing is convertible, but in order for me to have the freedom to do things with it I need a strapless bra.

Now...I've always had rather large breasts for most of my life.
They appeared when I was 9. I went from nothing, to a small B in what seemed like over night, and by the time I turned 13 I was officially a large D.
So you can guess that finding good bras were always an issue for me, let alone anything pretty or fancy like a strapless bra. But when having large boobs became culturally popular, I began to hope.

After the age of 13, my boobs continued to grow in size, just more slowly. By the time I was in my 20's I was a DD, and since my weight gain my boobs shot up as far as a DDDD. When I realized I had to find a bra that could hold up a pair of Real DDDD, I almost gave up hope.

Then my mother, through countless hours on the computer, found what is said to be the best strapless bra for the bigger breasted girls. She bought one of herself (being a D) and it was like a miracle. I still doubted that it would work for me, but she insisted we give it a try, especially since I had lost weight.
So she bought me the bra in a 34 DDDD which for this bra company is a 34 G, thinking that if it's too big, we can send it back. We got it on Tuesday and I tried it on yesterday.

It was too SMALL!!

The band was kinda tight which I expected because I'm between a 36 and a 34, but it was the cups that were too small!
I almost passed out....
Aren't breasts supposed to get smaller when you loose weight!! And there was no doubt that I had.
All you have to do is look at my face, but the scale and my pants don't lie either.

I HAD lost weight, but my BOOBS got BIGGER!
I was overflowing my cups, but I shouldn't be overflowing at all...
That means I'm an H....a small H...
Is the weight I'm loosing going to my boobs....
How is this even possible??
The bra has to be defective...
I can't except that I'm a H cup...
I get fuzzy in the head just thinking about it...
or maybe that's the lack of blood in my brain because it's all going to my BOOBS!!!!!!!
Mother Fucker!!!

(Photo by paulthorpe2008, provided by Photobucket, and directly linked)

A WTF!!! Kinda Day....

So... I had this dream this morning that the Queen of England dropped by my house to use the bathroom, or the phone, or something, and fell in love with Max (my dog) the way everyone who meets him does. So much so she asked me if it would be alright for her to take him for a walk. Of course we sent my uncle with her in case Max pulls her too hard and knocks her on her face. The last thing I want is my dog dragging the Queen of England around on her face. 

Next... I'm in a city collage dorm building and a "Predator" (as in the alien with the dreads) is trying to kill me. I tell people but no one believes me except these 2 brothers who are my friends. Well...that is until I knock the thing out a window and onto a parked car 3 floors down. Now everyone can see him, but he's still alive and a major battle ensues, where I fight on window ledges and fire escapes using a broken mop handle and eventually his pointy staff weapon to stab him multiple times and smash his head in cause he keeps coming back to life. Long story short I won, but one of the brothers gets hurt. 

So now that the battles over and I want to check on the remaining brother, but I don't want to leave the Predators body behind encase he comes back to life again. I don't want him to get away and have to find him again to kill him. So the remaining brother helps me carry the Predator body in a sheet as we make our was to the emergency hospital which happens to be in the very next building. 

The hospital turns out to be one large room like a Costco that's a mix of a Chinese meat factory, and a Best Buy. The front is full of large hanging meat and Asian guys wearing bloody aprons holding butcher knives, while in the back are rows of aisles with Cd's and DVD's.We find the brother in one of the DVD aisles, on a cot, lying next to Kurt Russell that turns out to be his father who's in a coma. 

Then all of a sudden I'm their father but as Snake Plissken and I'm apologizing for not being a good father, not being around and trying to re-connect with them by convincing them to go on the Sprint family plan with me so we can video chat.... 

So in summation I woke up thinking.... WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I think I need to take a sabbatical from my TV...lol

("WTF?!" photo by SugerG and Photobucket. Directly linked)

Boob Rant!!

Reading my friends blog about boobs got me thinking....

WTF is up with this obsession with BOOBS!

I mean...is it that most were not breast fed enough or maybe breast fed too much!

And I'm not just talking about Men. Most men are obvious boob connoisseurs, giving them names and listing attributes for all kinds of boobs (which I find hilarious), but women too are equally obsessed with them, just not for the same reasons (unless they're gay).

When you walk down the street, when you go the store, at work, in church, you can see it happening everywhere. Women judging other women's boobs. 

Men...You think your woman doesn't see that chica with the DDD's walking a half block away. 

Not only have they seen her, they've already determined whither her boobs are real, if the woman is a hoe based on her attire, boob size, hair color, type of boob (fake or real), and whither it's safe to keep walking in that direction because they might have to distract you so you don't goggle at her when you pass by.

It's Fucking Nuts!!

Granted that's not all they're judging. 

Women feel this need to judge another woman's every single flaw in order to make themselves feel better. Instead of just appreciating what they have and leaving it at that, they have to put someone else down to raise themselves up (back handed complements are one of the tricks of the trade) and its done all the freaken time...its a hidden epidemic of taught behavior among women and I'm sick of it.

Now...I love Boobs, I love women, and I'm as straight as they come. But I can admire a woman with a nice rack or a beautiful body without feeling the need to find a flaw in order to make myself feel better. Hell...I've been known to hit my man not because he was goggling at someone, but because I want him to see the amazing legs on some chick....lol 

Maybe it's because I've been judged so many times for the way I look, that I can't bring myself to judge others in the same way.

Case in point...I've had boobs since the age of 9...
That's right I said 9, and I noticed an immediate change in the attitude from both Men and Women.
Women who would smile at me, and say hi, would now ignore me and give me nasty looks, while Men on the street would say and do very nasty things. Things that made me feel dirty, scared, and like there was something wrong with me.

I was still a child for Fuck sake, but because I had boobs everything changed and somehow acting like that became appropriate somehow.

Mind you...unlike girls today I was not dressed like a little street walker, in mini skirts, high heals, and crop tops, nor did I ever ware makeup. That was just not something that would ever be allowed in my mothers house and I'm pretty sure if she ever dressed me in that manner, the rest of my family would have smacked the crap out of her, but luckily non of that happened.

But that sudden change in the way I was perceived, and the way I was treated was the reason I took to wearing dark baggy clothing for most of my teens, didn't want anything to do with sex until after I turned 19, and didn't loose my virginity until I turned 24.

Because of all that I've only just learned in my late 20's to appreciate my body and my boobs. 

I'm still modest...actually way too modest as far as my friends are concerned, but I'm ok with that. I see now the power I possess with my large rack, and I'm very careful with it because I know what they can do and what they bring out in people. Being big chested also means that just because some piece of clothing looks nice sensual and classic on a smaller boobed chick doesn't mean it's gonna look that way on me. Big boobs have a tendency to make most tops look oversexed and I avoid that look like the plague. I've also learned the trick of seeing everything around me but with certain blinders or filters so as to protect myself. 

There are a lot of fucked up people out there and even more people who look forward to judging you because of your Boobs, so though I'm not blind to it, and I'm still sensitive to it, especially in how I'm dressed, I'm not letting others opinions restrict me from wearing something flattering. 

Are men gonna stare if my girls are propped up and nicely enveloped?

Sure...that's just part of the course, and I don't get upset about it anymore (unless it's really bad like constant staring and drooling...then I get annoyed), in fact I kinda find it funny. Especially when they can't finish a sentence...lol

But when it comes to those hater bitches who want to put me down, my mantra has become , "Fuck Um!...There just Jealous", and I laugh at them. 

Laughing at people who want to put you down is a sure way to confuse and frustrate them. They don't know what to do with that...lol

And as for those fucked up perverts. 

I'm learning to replace that feeling of being victimized with a healthy dose of righteous anger and my camera phone.

"Smile for the Cops Ass Hole!"**click**....lol

(photo provided by Photobucket and directly linked)
(and here's the link to my friends blog The Bipolar Bible)

Holy Shit!!! Breaking Myself Seems to be Working!!!!!

This week was the first time I was able to do both exercise DVD's (Jillian Michaels for Beginners - Frontside / Backside) with only a day break in between.
Before when I did the DVD's I'd be incapable of doing much of anything except maybe walk, and that was if I was lucky. I'd normally need 2 to 3 days just to recover because I would be in so much pain even sitting on the damn toilet was an issue.
I mean really...have you ever worked out so hard that the muscles you use to just sit on the damn toilet don't work right anymore. I'd spend at least a day after exercising, falling onto the toilet every time I needed to pee. Not exactly fun...

These DVD's make me use muscles I didn't even know I had, that is until the next day when they're screaming, but what keeps me torturing myself is not a deep seeded masochistic tenancy, but that I'm beginning to see amazing results.
Besides the obvious stamina I've developed, I can see the changes in my body. My ass is melting away, my tummy (especially the lower portion) is disappearing, my arms are getting smaller as are my thighs (which have quite a ways to go), and my face has changed. But the biggest change is the increase in wardrobe.
Now I'm not talking about going out and buying shit (cause I hate shopping...most fat people do) but because stuff I couldn't fit into before, I can fit into again. I went from 1 pair of jeans, to 2, now I can fit (though tightly) into 4 pairs of my old jeans...That was a big hallelujah moment for me cause I don't have any money for clothes, or anything else for that matter.
Granted, these changes are not due to exercise alone. I have changed my diet and am eating healthy whenever I can, but I'm not on "a diet". I'm not eating just salad or organic non processed foods (though I am trying to incorporate more of those into my diet), but I'm using my common sense. I may want the cheeseburger, but the chicken sandwich is a better bet, or I can have a fried chicken wing or two if I make sure to have a heaping of steamed vegetable as my side. I also make sure to eat the healthy stuff first so when I get to the not so healthy stuff, my stomach is already mostly full. I guess you can say I've finally crossed over from wanting to change my life, to actually doing it (**knock on wood**)

Now the question becomes...
Will I loose enough by Auguest 20th to be happy with the way I look in the wedding photos?
Probably not...but I kinda don't care as much anymore.

I realized what I'm doing is more important for the long term then it is for any short term benefits I might get, which is why I'm trying to do this the right way. I've always wondered what my life would be like if I were skinny, but now I wonder what my life is going to be like when I'm finally (mostly) healthy. I know some of my health problems aren't just going to go away once I'm fit (like my Fibromyalgia, my Endometriosis, or being short), but being fit is going to help me get a handle on those issues and that's really all I want at this point.

Now I did the calculations and I will be PMSing for the wedding (OH JOY!!) so all this Zen shit about my weight and not really caring might go out the fucking window on that most anticipated day, but I can only worry about that when it happens, and possibly buy some strong muscle relaxers now...LOL

(Photo of Renée Zellweger as Bridget Jones by Bridget_Jones_photos courtesy of Photobucket and directly linked)

My Mother and the REAL Naked Cowboy!

Tuesday, July 6th, 10:16am
(Actual text from my Mother)
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 "A strange thing happened this morning while walking the dog. A man buck naked with a cowboy hat was standing on the edge of the fire escape from the fifth floor apartment on morning side drive. The reason I noticed him was because he was screaming something. Just when I was about to call 911 he went back inside. I later saw him fully dress going into the super market. I saw the hat and I knew it was him. Crazy shit. A New York City moment. Lol.:-)"

Yes...yes indeed it was...
Later that same day when she took the dog out in the evening she called me to tell me he was back.
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"Well...(laughing)Naked Cowboy is back. He standing there yelling again with his pants hanging on the railing"
"(Laughing)Take a picture"
"I can't he went inside"
"Maybe he came out cause he knew you were coming...(laughing)"
"My God I hope not! (laughing) Don't even joke"
"You think he could be yelling at someone on his blue tooth?"
"No... I didn't see a head set, but that doesn't explain why he's naked"
"True... maybe its laundry day? You said his pants are on the railing. Maybe they're drying and he's out of clean clothes..."
"Well...that could be true... but that doesn't explain why he's standing on his fire escape"
"It's like 98 degrees....maybe he doesn't have air conditioning and he's going a little mad from the heat"
pause..........(Loud Laughter) "You know what! Your right! All's he got is a little fan in his window"
"Well then that blows my theory... If he's got a fan he should be standing in front of it"
"Not naked he doesn't...something might get caught"
pause.........(Loud Laughter)................
"All I know is that someone is gonna call the cops cause a family with kids were out here with me this time and I don't think they saw the humor in it"
"Well...if it happens again, take a picture (laughing)"
"Ok...will do"

 (Both photos are thanks to photobucket and directly linked)

Too Short for Fireworks....

Having been scarred by the 4th of July in my long ago youth, I have since always watched the explosive display from the comfort of my own couch, away from the pushing crowds, the defining noise, the smell of burning things and the unavoidable blocked view. But this year for the first time since forever I had plans for the live version of Independence Day.

My aunt who recently moved to lovely Cliffside NJ, has a view of UWS of Manhattan as well as the empire state building. 

Since they moved the fireworks display back to the Huston river, she thought her terrace might afford us a possible view of the festivities and she decided to have the family over for a 4th of July party at her new digs. Unfortunately due to scheduling conflicts and closed roads in the area, most of the gang couldn't make it, except for me and my Mom.

I was in no shape to party thanks to my once a month "happy time", so besides being doubled over in pain I had to restrain myself from stabbing annoying people in the eye sockets. Yet, even in this dangerous condition I had a good time. My aunt and her soon to be new hubby are fantastic hosts and there was never an end to tasty goodies that were being cooked, grilled, shucked, and served to the detriment of my poor diet.

When the time finally came to watch the show, it turned out that it was further downtown then we had anticipated and a big building stood in our way of the rainbow lighted skyline. Luckily, the complex she lives in has their pool right on top of a out cropping cliff face so we all put on our shoes and headed over to see if there was a better view from there. As we left the apartment, we realized we weren't the only ones. We were a part of a mass exodus of people who had all been fingered by the same building obstruction. People leaving there apartments in pajamas, most shoeless, with wine glasses or drinks, and one couple actually brought their dinner plates with them, all of us trying to get to the pool first for a good view.

When we arrived, to the joy of all who ventured out, we were able to see one set of the beautiful display out in the distance. It was beautiful and quite impressive how the technology of the firework has progressed over the years, but I only enjoyed it for a moment because more and more people began to show up. Over and over again, my view was blocked by new heads, until I realized I was surrounded by people and I was seeing a lot of nothing. Once again, I was in a crowd of people towering over me, being pushed and stepped on, and getting nothing out of it but a close view of some guys back hair. So being a responsible citizen because I already wasn't in a good mental place, I gave my mother a kiss on the cheek, and headed back to an empty apartment to watch the final big explosive end on TV.

I was disappointed, but being short is my lot in life. Nobody cares that you can't see or that your even standing there. If your not within a certain perimeter of there eye sight its as if you don't exist. I can't even imagine how it feels to be a dwarf. 

Maybe that's where the legends of angry leprechauns came from. A bunch of fed up little Irish people who had enough of being stepped on, decided to get proactive and fuck with the tallies. 

I can totally dig that...lol


(Photo by dwill77 and Photobucket. Directly linked)

An Old rant that describes me Beautifully...lol

This is an old rant I found in the depths of my phone files that when I read it made me smile. It's a perfect example of me being me...lol
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I may say "Respect" a lot, but I don't think you realize how often you talk about your ex's.
I feel like I'm constantly trying to find a way out from beneath their shadows. I don't know how else to show you that I'm not them. You said yourself that you've never been able to talk to a girl the way you do me and I've already shown you that I don't fly off the handle over stupid shit. So when I ask for a little consideration and "Respect" its cause I deserve it. Since I don't go ape shit over little things, that should tell you that when I say something, there must be a good reason, even if it isn't clear to me in that moment.
That's what I mean when I say I'm an Alpha female.
The Alpha never undermines his mate or her authority amongst the pack. She is his feminine counter part, his missing piece, the one who helps him bring balance and order to the pack.
You've never encountered the likes of me before...