Running My Ass Off: Cancun Here I Come!!!....:-)

So the clock has finally wound down.... I have a day or two left before I leave and it almost doesn't feel real.

I can't wait to see, smell, and swim in the ocean. I don't feel rejuvenated unless I get to a beach at least once a year.... and a tropical beach is even better :-)) To lay out on the beach and soak up some vitamin D, sounds soo good right now, especially since my very bones are cold.
I'm especially happy with the progress I've made with my weight loss, but being the hard ass that I can be with myself, I know I could have done better...lol

I have now lost a Total of 35 pounds even with the stresses of starting school, and I feel pretty freaken good about it. I've changed my life for the better and reversed 2 years of weight gain. I've almost reached my first goal and I'm ecstatic, but I still got a ways to go.
I want to loose a total of 63 pounds, but I figured 53 pounds is a great start, and it'll let me see how far I really have to go. Last thing I want to do is loose too much weight. I mean I love my curves...lol...but being as short as I am, with arthritic knees, means the less pressure I put on them the longer they'll last...kinda like breaks on a car...lol

I know that getting this far required me to finally make the choice to change my life, and I am proud of that, but I can't take all the credit. If it weren't for my Ex... inspiring me to change my life, I don't know where I'd be right now.
He helped me to see that I was worth it. That I was worth fighting for, even if all I was doing was fighting with myself....lol. He saw my potential and didn't want me to waste it. He saw me...just me...
We may be on different paths now, but I will forever be indebted to him for the change he has brought into my life. I hope that one day he will see himself the way I saw him, and change "somewhat"...;-) how he views himself, so that he can finally be happy. He truly deserves it....
But no matter what, that "Asshole" will always have a special place in my heart...lol

(Photo by sockhead67 from Photobucket and directly linked)
(Ticker from Tickerfactory.com)

New Situation....New Perspective...

This blog is going to sound completely conceded...but I don't know how else to put it...

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These classes have put me in a situation I've never been in before.
I'm actually popular...
Yea...go figure...that little old me...who bucks traditional views, living a predominantly anti-social lifestyle, is now one of the popular kids in class...lol
When did hell freeze over?

Granted, I know that this has happened mostly because I'm an attractive woman in a program that's predominantly full of Men, and men are led by there dicks (sorry guys), so when the pickings are slim, you go for what you can get. But when you think about it, that's no different then any school. The popular girls are usually the ones that the guys want to fuck, so I'm under no misconceptions as to why I'm getting this attention and what the ultimate goal of most of these guys are. I understood it long before I even thought of taking these classes, since it's one of the main reasons I stayed fat.

(...Fat was safe, fat helped me blend in to the background, fat made me invisible, at least somewhat. Now that the weight is coming off, I feel like I've been put under a spotlight, and the more weight I loose, the brighter the light gets...)

But getting back to my point, what I realized is that it's not just happening because of the way I look, but because of who I am....

These guys are actually attracted to the fact that I'm "different"!
That I'm not the diva, full of drama, or someone's baby mama...lol...but smart, single, and unique. They like the confidence I have in myself and I find that funny because I only started to find that within myself recently.
When did guys start liking girls like me?
What...are the short and heavy nerdy girls who dress conservatively, with chipped nail polish, and little to no makeup, in style now?

I mean I got hit on first day of class, and it has yet to stop.
These guys are actually cock blocking one another just to talk to me...and I have to be honest... it's flattering, but it's also incredibly uncomfortable, odd, and nerve racking.
One guy who I nicknamed "Gumby" (don't ask me why...can't remember...lol) actually asked me out. But instead of just saying I wasn't interested (which is what I should have done), I told him I had a boyfriend.

I mean...he's a nice guy and all, but we had nothing in common, and from our one way conversations I could tell he had no real interest me or anything I was interested in.
He would meet me after almost every class and was one of those people who talk at you rather then to you. The kind of guy who wants to "hook you up" with all kinds of stuff, and wants you to know just how knowledgeable they are about everything, but with time show how little they really know. I realized later after listening to him that he was a lot like one of my Ex's... a little too much like him actually.

Needless to say, since that moment Gumby's been distant...which is fine. I guess since I ain't giving it up to him, he ain't interested anymore, but I already knew he was only interested in one thing, so I'm not all broken up about it. But the moment he took off, another one took his place and it's this guy I'm having a dilemma with...because against my better judgment I'm beginning to like him.

At the beginning I noticed him because he was Dominican and there was a joke going around about how many of them we had in class, but after that I didn't pay much attention.
Then I had to work with him in a group. He took charge but was confused, moved too fast, and didn't listen to the directions. So I actually had to take charge of the group...yep little quite shy me had to take charge, which I hate doing because I hate the spotlight. But surprisingly he was gracious and allowed me to take the reins when he realized he misunderstood the assignment....which I didn't expect. So my first impression of him was full of confused frustration.

The turning point for me came when I decided to wear my new Thundercat tee a friend bought me at Comic Con. After class he noticed it and asked me if I knew the symbol or if I was just wearing it as a popular "fashion thing". Offended that anyone would think that of me, I proudly shared my knowledge of the show and where I had gotten the tee.

You would have thought I had dropped a bomb on his head. He looked at me as if he were meeting a human unicorn and told me, with a big smile on his face, that we so needed to talk. After that he wouldn't let me out of his sight and we talked...a lot. I was the first girl he had ever met who liked the things he did (so I nicknamed him Geekano) and with every new revelation, he just grew happier. To my surprise it was contagious and I found myself smiling and laughing with him. Everything I told him about myself seemed to blow his mind. He was intrigued by me and I was intrigued by him, fully enjoying every moment, so when he asked for my number I only hesitated for a second.
He has yet to call me, but since that day if he comes to class, he always finds me, and after class he never fails to wait for me so we can talk as we leave campus.

It wasn't until the other day that I saw it becoming a problem.
While in class I actually got a little jealous when he left me to talk to another female classmate who he was friendly with.
I mean...what the Hell is that!!
What is wrong with me? and when did I become the possessive type?
So I took a good look at myself, at my behavior, and realized a few things.
I think about him way too much and actually look forward to going to class so I can talk to him again.
When the hell did that happen?

I've only starting talking to this guy about two weeks ago... and I don't know if my feelings are related to the fact that he makes me feel beautiful and special, or if there's something more to it, something more that's drawing us together. I know part of me is still hung up on my ex. I care about him so much it hurts inside, but he's doing what he needs to do for him. Shouldn't I be doing the same?

I don't know...about any of this. I don't have any answers. I don't know what I'm gonna do or even if I want to do it.
What I do know is that though I've decided to live my life in the moment, nothing is going to keep me from continuing along my path.
My goals haven't changed, nor has my focus. I will enjoy each day as it comes, each moment I'm given. I will embrace those who help me, guide me, and inspire me, but I wont let anyone distract me from my goals.
No matter how intriguing they are....

(Photos provided by Photobucket...and are directly linked)

Why I love Amy...

He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to.....

 

 For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game

While I wish I'd never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand

Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
...know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand

Though I'd bet on blind
Love is a faith resign
Memories mar my mind
Love is a faith resign

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

My baby Duke passed away on Monday...

I've been so busy lately with school and life that I haven't been able to sit down to blog. But yesterday was a bad day and I need to get this off my chest.

I knew there was a chance when I left on Friday that my little boy Duke (seen on the right) might not make it over the weekend and I was almost right.
He had been steadily ditererating over that last few weeks and I braced myself for the possibility that when I got home on Sunday, he wouldn't be here. But he was...barely.

He couldn't walk anymore, his breathing was labored, I could tell his kidneys had shut down, and he could barely meow. All he could do was lay there, only lifting his head to drink and shifting his weight. But I could tell he was still somewhat himself when he tried to get on my stomach while I lay next to him on the floor, it's just that his body just wouldn't let him.

Mom was distraught and I found myself having to be the strong one, when all I really wanted to do was break down. Being as broke as we are, our choices were limited, but the next day, when Duke started to cry out every time he tried to drink, we knew what we had to do. Mom called my uncle and he took care of the money so we could take Duke to the vet to be euthanized.
I had school that night but I wasn't going to let my mother do this alone. I've lost pets before, but most of the time it had been quick. I never saw them die. My mother on the other hand has been through this many times, but it wasn't any easier for her.

I was worried we were doing the wrong thing. Who were we to determine when he should die. But when I looked in his eyes, I saw how his eyes would glaze then focus and I knew he was already on his way out.
I told myself that no matter what, I'd see this through to the end. If your going to have pets, you have to be ready for this moment, and I felt that if I cowered away from it, I didn't deserve to have them. So I stood firm and sat there next to my mother as the doctor (a very nice woman who had taken care of Duke when he first got sick and who had taken a shine to him) knelt in front of us and injected him with a sedative to put him to sleep. Next came water to flush it through his veins quickly, then an overdose of another sedative that would stop his heart, and more water. I knew he was gone before the overdose hit his system. He had been so close to death that the sedative meant to put him to sleep had helped him cross over.

I looked at his face, into his eyes, and knew he wasn't there anymore. What lay in my mothers arms was nothing but a shell. Something I was no longer connected to. I cried...but silently. Almost as if I didn't have control over keeping the tears in my eyes any longer.

I haven't really grieved yet and I know it. Since Monday I've been numb. I go through the normal routines, and try to keep myself distracted, but I know it's coming.
Hell...I welcome the distractions and no one but those closet to me notice that I'm not myself. But that's how I want it.
I don't want people to see that I'm not alright, because it leads to questions and answering those questions means thinking about what I don't want to think about.
But...at the same time I know I have to talk about it...so maybe this blog surves a purpose after all.
I don't know...

What I do know... is that no matter how hard loosing them might be, having pets is worth it every single moment of every single day...

Thanks for listening...