Tuesday, January 24, 2012

UPDATE! I Did the ONE Thing a Women Should NOT Do if Trying to Get Over an Ex...

So this week has started off like shit... but first let me back track a bit...

I was supposed to see my old ex cause he had a gift for me. That hasn't happened and I doubt it will happen anytime soon. We talk sporadically via email but that's about it.
I thought I was ready to move on romantically, but I'm not.
I'm in that limbo place where I can't go back but I'm not ready to move forward. Just thinking about going on a date makes me panicky. I can't even talk to a guy without feeling guilty, and when I do I get mad at myself because why the hell should I feel guilty, he walked away not me. I'm single now so I shouldn't feel obligated to someone who doesn't want me, who wouldn't fight to make it work...
Ok...drifted a bit...lol

I had my BIG interview on Monday and spent all weekend preparing for it. Thanks to some asshole on the subway knocking my papers from my hands, and my nerves, I screwed up and have to reschedule my interview.
I had to show up with two forms of identification. A government issued ID, my Social Security Card, as well as my original diploma and another copy of my resume. When I got to the interview I could't find my SS Card and they wouldn't let me interview without it. I couldn't believe I screwed up and forgot my SS Card. I felt like such an idiot. A weekend of prep, getting all dressed up and heading downtown, only to have to come back like some looser with my tail between my legs. Then when I got home, I emptied my folder only to find my SS Card stuck to the inside lip of the folder.
It was like a punch to my gut.
I just keep seeing that woman's face who told me I had to leave, that I had to call back at the end of the month to reschedule, that look of pity.
I know it's my pride that's hurting, my ego, but I don't know how to make the pain stop.

Oh and to top it all off I did something Royally STUPID.
I was trying to remember what kind of car my ex drove, so I decided to see if I could find the picture he emailed me two years ago.
What did I do that for....
I ended up skimming through all our old emails, when he was so excited to talk to me he'd email me multiple times a day at all hours, so fast I couldn't keep up, and then I came across our first few emails.
I couldn't help myself, I read them...
The first time we talked about our personal lives, our first picture exchanges (G rated), and the worse one was him spontaneously asking me out for the first time.
How nervous he was to ask, and I remembered how nervous I was to accept. How last min it was, and how I decided that I liked him enough to be spontaneous too.
GOD why did I read that shit!!!!
I think I was already in a depressed place and just unconsciously decided to make it worse...
Misery loves company....fuck fuck FUCK!!

But if you know me you know I wont allow myself to feel this way for long.
If anything, feeling sad actually make me mad because I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now. School is starting Friday and I'm finally doing what I was always afraid of doing before...
I'm FINALLY living my life... and I'm not gonna let a little bump in the road fucking defeat me!
SHIT!!

(AMAZING! Photo above directly linked from Photobucket and dcvsqueen)
(I would totally get that tattoo!!!)

Monday, January 16, 2012

Yea..Yea...its Another Blog about the Damn Breakup....

You ever have one of those moments where you hear a song that you've heard a billion times but for whatever reason, now it hits a chord. This time it makes sense, and it brings back a flood of memories you didn't need nor want to remember.
Well that's what happened to me with the song Glycerine by Bush.
It made me think of happier times, sitting in the car with the ex, listening to his vast collection of music that he couldn't wait to share with me. Of his smile as he would lean back driving with one hand on the steering wheel.
Fucking Hell!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

January 2012...New Start...and BIG UPCOMING CHANGES!!!

Ok I've been soo busy I don't even know where to begin....
Let me start off to say this is not a blog about my love life. I currently don't have one and I'm actually fine with that. So many good things are happening that wallowing in self pity or looking for some guy to fill the void left by the Ex isn't really important now...

So where to begin...how about at the beginning....;-)

Being unemployed and without many connection, I had asked my mother back in November to keep an ear out for any mention of jobs where she works at the hospital. Then one day she tells me how at the union meeting they talked about how people don't seem to understand what is appropriate for the workplace anymore. The union leader discussed how they've had tons of people coming in to work and coming to interviews 45mins late in jeans and flip flops. When she told me what he said and the stories he told, I couldn't believe how so many people could be so unprofessional. So many people, people like me, need jobs and yet you have these people who just don't care. It boggles the mind.
Well she told me she spoke to the union head about me and my need for a job and he told her that she should get him my resume. That he would make sure it gets to the top of the list back at human resources since he knew that any kid of hers would be a hard worker. So jumping at the opportunity I fine tuned my resume, printed it, and gave it to her the very next day.
Well the holidays came and went, with no call from the hospital or the union for me to come in for an interview. I just figured I didn't have enough experience or education to be considered and forgot about. Then a few days after new years, as I was preparing for the madness of my upcoming college experience, I get a call from the union telling me I have an interview for the 23rd. The woman told me what I needed to bring, where I needed to go, what time, that I will be taking a typing test, and even to dress for an interview (like I needed telling).
I was in shock. I literary screamed after I hung up the phone.
Sure I may not land the job, but I got the interview!!!
Just getting an interview is so hard now a days...and who knows...maybe just showing up in slacks and a blazer will be enough to make them give me a chance...lol

The other big thing that's been going on has been college.
I got all my paperwork in to clear me for registration and all I was missing was orientation and advisement.
I was finally sent an invitation to what they call a New Student Assembly on the 11th which is a orentation ceremony to welcome new students to the school. So with some anxiety I pulled myself together, went and it was badly charming.
We were greeted as we entered the doorway by uncomfortable students yelling
"WELCOME! TO BMCC!!
START HERE GO ANYWHERE!"
while handing out plastic welcome bags. I couldn't help but smile at the embarrassed student standing in front who was in charge of yelling Welcome as he handed me my bag. As we entered the theater, there was a band playing on the right hand side of the stage, blasting there pop-fusion music more at us more then in greeting, and of course I was sitting right in front of them. I felt like I was in that movie "10 Things I Hate About You" except the music was worse.
So we sat there watching the band while we went through our college goody bags, where we each recieved a program, a student handbook, a pen, a weird triangle shaped highlighter, as well as information on the "Freshman Year Experience: Lunch, Advisement, and Registration" that was to follow in the next two days depending on our major. After being auditorily attacked by the band we were introduced to our President, our Vice President, and my new favorite, our Vice President of Student Affairs Dr. Marva Craig. Former graduate from BMCC, she went to Hunter for her Bachelors, NYU for her Masters, then she got her Doctorate in Education from Teachers College and Columbia University. She is a walking talking success story and she was great, funny, a no bull kinda lady, and she knew her shit!
We then had to sit through a very uncomfortably bad dance performance, more talking, a great poem reading, and finally a song sung by a former graduate that was fantastically done, before we were broken into smaller groups based on our major to find out more about what we planed on studying.
It was here that I decided my major which I will discuss later...;-)

So the next day I woke up a 5am and went to the FYE (Freshman Year Experience) where we were locked in the theater for 4 hours worth of a lectures on what it means to be a student, what we need to know, and our responsibility's as students.
Boy! By the end of it my ass was really numb, so when they finally released us for lunch and advisement handing us flash drives and little paper lunch bags, I was grateful. That was before I realized at what speed the rest of this "Experience"was about to take place.

I had just barely had gotten to my table when an adviser was at my side asking me questions and telling me which classes I would need to take. Next thing I knew they were calling everyone who had been advised (which was me) to head to registration. So now I'm following a line of students, coat, advisement sheet, and paper lunch bag clutched to my chest, praying I had everything still with me, while heading up escalators, and trooping through the halls of the school only to end up in the computer lab where we were to register online.
I was shown to a computer, where I finally got to dump my stuff only to find out that I couldn't register yet because I hadn't been cleared through the system (no shit!). Their way of fixing the issue was to assign me to a staff member at another computer who would "backdoor" register me. So now I had to grab all my stuff again and head over to him, where he quickly went through my classes asking me what times, and I could barely focus on what he was saying before he was sending me to the printer where my completed schedule was being printed. The staff member at the printer hands me my completed registration explaining my balance and that I would have to go to the Bursar Office to finalize my bill. I asked if I could do that online, and when she said yes, I grabbed my things, thanked her and got the fuck out of there.
I knew the classes were correct but not the times. I just prayed that when I got home, the registration issue would be fixed. That way with any luck I could calmly correct my classes and finalize my bill. The only issue left to deal with was the issue of my major.

They kept telling us that if our major was wrong or if we weren't sure what major we wanted, it wasn't a problem. But I knew better then to take that risk and had made the decision to head back to the school the next day to properly talk to an academic adviser.
When I had originally sent in my application to CUNY I didn't know what I wanted to major in, except that I knew it was going to be in the health field, so I listed my major as Undeclared Health (Nursing). Later, after I decided to go to BMCC, I decided to Major in Science because of the letter I got from Hunter College. They stated that if I got an Associate's in Science and maintained a GPA of 2.5 I was guaranteed admission to their school. Considering my goal is to become a Lab Technologist, Hunter is the way to go. So I knew I would have to change my major since Nursing would only get me an Associate in Applied Science.
During orientation when we split up into smaller groups based on Major, I went with the Science group and it was there I found out that BMCC offers the major of Biotechnology Science. It falls under the umbrella of the Science department, would gain me an AS in Science and when the professor explained that it was more geared for people interested in lab work, it was as if everything clicked into place. I knew it wouldn't be easy, very heavy on science and math, but if this is what I really wanted to do then this was my future major.


So the day after I officially registered for classes, I went to the school and followed the long process of changing my major. As it turned out I'm glad I did because the adviser showed me that one of the classes I was taking wasn't right for my new major, so after I officially changed my major I went home and changed the class. The change even made my schedule more time efficient, and now I have the time I need to work part time if I do get this job with the hospital.


On top of all of this, it seems like even if I don't get the job at the hospital, I will have a part-time job.
While all of this was taking place, I was calculating my college expenses with excel spreadsheets, and when my uncle (who is an accountant) heard I knew Excel and even enjoyed working with it, he wants me to work with him part time as his assistant. Even my father joked on hiring me when he heard I enjoy Excel...LOL!


So to sum up....
I got a job interview with the hospital coming up.
I am now "Officially" a Biotechnology Science Major at Borough of Manhattan Community College.
and finally
I got a guaranteed par-time job with my uncle...all cause I'm a Geek and like Excel...lol

If this month is any indication what 2012 will bring...
BRING IT ON BABY!!!!....LMAO!!

 (photo above of John Belushi from the movie Animal House found using Google)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Thundercats, Skulls, and Braids...A Strange Beginning to 2012


Today hasn't been a good day. My pain has flared up something awful, I forgot to take my meds again, which doesn't help the matter, and I finally came to terms with the fact that the Ex and I aren't getting back together.

I hate being one of those chicks that keeps harping on the breakup...and I keep saying I'll stop talking about it, but its a major part of what's going on with me and I can't explain why I feel the way I do without going back to the subject. 
This time I bring it up because my uncle gave me a Christmas gift this weekend to give to him, not knowing we were broken up, and it brought it all back. Though I said I wouldn't, like an idiot I contacted him because I wanted him to have the gift, especially since it came from the uncle he liked so much. So I sent him a text but when he didn't even bother to respond that was my breaking point.
Somehow I guess I always figured that even though we weren't together he would be there... just a simple text message away if for whatever reason I needed him. 
He had been my best friend. 
But when I didn't get a response considering our breakup wasn't an angry one, not even a simple "no thanks" or "keep it", made me feel like all ties had been cut. I'd been tossed aside...discarded...

So I'm sending out my geek symbol once again and I'm going to allow myself to move on and get back out there. It shouldn't be hard, I'm starting classes this month so I'll be meeting all kinds of new people, also my Ex already contacted me right before Christmas (he must have sensed "a disturbance in the Force"..lol) saying he had been thinking about me and had bought me a gift he knew I wanted a while back. He just wanted to meet sometime after the holidays so he could give it to me. I told him I'd think about it but I've decided to meet him. At first I was wary thinking it was just a ploy to get me in the sack, but he seemed sincere. There wasn't any asshole remarks or sexual innuendo, and he never seemed like the kinda guy who would bother to remember something I wanted before, so I have to say I'm rather curious.
At the same time I'm not stupid. I know I'm in a vulnerable place right now and that some guys can smell that shit like sharks smell blood in the water. So I will be approaching this very very carefully.

I also started reconnecting with friends I lost touch with because I was so caught up in being "in a relationship", or what I like to call "Boyfriend Blind". 
I'll finally start heading out to some of the gigs I keep getting invited to (yep I know a lot of musicians in bands...lol) once I get my classes squared away. Also two of my friends have asked me to model for them in their photo shoots which is something that is always scary but fun to do. It  requires me to push against that old fear of mine of photos, of not being pretty enough or thin enough. I've also begun to connect with fairly new friends and old school acquaintances, so there will be plenty of coffee shop outings in my near future. But on top of all that there's also plenty of birthdays and baby showers I have to prepare for. 
So I'd say I'll have plenty to distract me and get me back to the real world.

I'm also going to start writing again (school work permitting). I've decided to release the reigns on my inner self and let her run free through the written word. Shes always there, giving me ideas, painting vivid dreams during my nighttime slumber. I think its time to set her loose...lol
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(I should share that I was having trouble writing and getting all this out of me, until I started listing to Electric Shock Radio: Episode 2... isn't it strange how one persons expression of creativity can inspire another. 
Thank you Natalia McCarty for putting together a killer music mix...)
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And last on my agenda is that I'm thinking of cutting all my hair off and dying the remaining bits blond. Yep...I'm thinking of taking my long brown hair and going boy short and bleached blond. Kinda like a modern pixie hair cut with an asymmetrical fringe. It kinda makes sense that I'm being drawn to do this since cutting ones hair in native culture is a sign of morning and in a sense I am in morning. I was going to wait till I reached my goal weight but who knows...maybe doing something this drastic is what I need.
New Life...New Me...
Here are some pictures to give u an idea...





(First photo above is of me in my geek symbol tee shirt with my long hair braided to the side, wearing my scull earrings and prayer necklace my cousin made that has little wooden sculls breaking up the dark magnetic beads.)
(Hair photos found thanks to Google)