Thundercats, Skulls, and Braids...A Strange Beginning to 2012

Today hasn't been a good day. My pain has flared up something awful, I forgot to take my meds again, which doesn't help the matter, and I finally came to terms with the fact that the Ex and I aren't getting back together.

I hate being one of those chicks that keeps harping on the breakup...and I keep saying I'll stop talking about it, but its a major part of what's going on with me and I can't explain why I feel the way I do without going back to the subject. 

This time I bring it up because my uncle gave me a Christmas gift this weekend to give to him, not knowing we were broken up, and it brought it all back. Though I said I wouldn't, like an idiot I contacted him because I wanted him to have the gift, especially since it came from the uncle he liked so much. So I sent him a text but when he didn't even bother to respond that was my breaking point.

Somehow I guess I always figured that even though we weren't together he would be there... just a simple text message away if for whatever reason I needed him. 

He had been my best friend. 

But when I didn't get a response considering our breakup wasn't an angry one, not even a simple "no thanks" or "keep it", made me feel like all ties had been cut. I'd been tossed aside...discarded...

So I'm sending out my geek symbol once again and I'm going to allow myself to move on and get back out there. It shouldn't be hard, I'm starting classes this month so I'll be meeting all kinds of new people, also my Ex already contacted me right before Christmas (he must have sensed "a disturbance in the Force"..lol) saying he had been thinking about me and had bought me a gift he knew I wanted a while back. He just wanted to meet sometime after the holidays so he could give it to me. I told him I'd think about it but I've decided to meet him. At first I was wary thinking it was just a ploy to get me in the sack, but he seemed sincere. There wasn't any asshole remarks or sexual innuendo, and he never seemed like the kinda guy who would bother to remember something I wanted before, so I have to say I'm rather curious.

At the same time I'm not stupid. I know I'm in a vulnerable place right now and that some guys can smell that shit like sharks smell blood in the water. So I will be approaching this very very carefully.

I also started reconnecting with friends I lost touch with because I was so caught up in being "in a relationship", or what I like to call "Boyfriend Blind". 

I'll finally start heading out to some of the gigs I keep getting invited to (yep I know a lot of musicians in bands...lol) once I get my classes squared away. Also two of my friends have asked me to model for them in their photo shoots which is something that is always scary but fun to do. It  requires me to push against that old fear of mine of photos, of not being pretty enough or thin enough. I've also begun to connect with fairly new friends and old school acquaintances, so there will be plenty of coffee shop outings in my near future. But on top of all that there's also plenty of birthdays and baby showers I have to prepare for. 

So I'd say I'll have plenty to distract me and get me back to the real world.

I'm also going to start writing again (school work permitting). I've decided to release the reigns on my inner self and let her run free through the written word. Shes always there, giving me ideas, painting vivid dreams during my nighttime slumber. I think its time to set her loose...lol
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(I should share that I was having trouble writing and getting all this out of me, until I started listing to Electric Shock Radio: Episode 2... isn't it strange how one persons expression of creativity can inspire another. 
Thank you Natalia McCarty for putting together a killer music mix...)

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And last on my agenda is that I'm thinking of cutting all my hair off and dying the remaining bits blond. Yep...I'm thinking of taking my long brown hair and going boy short and bleached blond. Kinda like a modern pixie hair cut with an asymmetrical fringe. It kinda makes sense that I'm being drawn to do this since cutting ones hair in native culture is a sign of morning and in a sense I am in morning. I was going to wait till I reached my goal weight but who knows...maybe doing something this drastic is what I need.

New Life...New Me...

Here are some pictures to give u an idea...

(First photo above is of me in my geek symbol tee shirt with my long hair braided to the side, wearing my scull earrings and prayer necklace my cousin made that has little wooden sculls breaking up the dark magnetic beads.)

(Hair photos found thanks to Google)