New Years Eve and Single Again....OY VEY!!!

Ok...so I am gonna mention the break-up one more time, but only because it's relevant to the subject of this post.
I'm gonna attempt to not sound like a winning self-centered individual, but if I do, please forgive me...lol
--------------------

I have to say I'm getting rather tired of this.
Once again I'm single for new years and I'm beginning to think I'm cursed.

For once I would like to be in a relationship when New Years Eve rolls around. Not so I can have the "big blowout party", because if I really wanted that I know where I can find it. But so I can be with someone I care about when the clock shrikes 12.
This year I thought I'd finally have that moment. For once I thought I'd finally found the guy who would kiss me into the new year. When I think about it it's rather funny cause we discussed it not that long ago.
We talked about how I was finally doing all the things most people do in high school and their 20's. How now I was allowing myself to finally enjoy my life and be a kid. When I told him about my bad New Years Eve luck, he told me it wasn't bad luck. That fate didn't want me to have that experience with anyone else but him. He told me he wanted to be my first and last New Years kiss. That he wanted to be my first and last everything....

Do you see why I fell for this guy?...lol

Well maybe I was right about the luck because once again I am single for New Years. I will be entering a pivotal year in my life on my own two feet. I'm trying not to let it get to me but it isn't easy.
All I can do is try to stay positive, try to focus on all the good things that are going on in my life, and have faith that everything happens for a reason.

(Photo of my girl Harley Quinn by bob167, Photobucket and is directly linked)

I Pick Myself Up...Dust Myself Off...and Start All Over Again...

(I titled this blog after a line sung in the movie "Home for the Holidays". It's one of my top comedy holiday movies about a single mother who's at one of the lowest points in her life right before spending Thanksgiving with her family and what it really means to be family. It's been said that while most people love their families, they don't always like them very much, and that emotional dividing line is the heart of this comedy. It's directed/staring Holly Hunter and Robert Downey Jr. and the line struck a chord with me after whats been going on with me lately and my current mindset. I've also been using another line from the movie as my mantra but i'll talk about that later. 
If you haven't seen this movie, go out and get it, you wont regret it...)

As for my life
So I'm done moping...for the most part, and this will probably be the last time I write about the breakup. I just don't have time to allow myself to fall into a state of full on depression. Way too much is going on.
Sure I still feel lost, like my anchor has been cut away and my boat is adrift, but I've come too far to just allow that to happen. I'm gonna use whatever I have to in order to get my boat to shore, even if that means using my bare hands.
A few days ago I had myself what I call a "light bulb moment" where my sad listlessness turned into offended bitchiness and I used that energy to send my ex a response to his breakup email. It was one of the best things I've ever written and though I would love to share it on here, for the sake of his privacy and mine I wont.
What I will say is that though I love him and hope he finds his way back to me, my life has to goes on and I can't stop just cause I fell in a ditch. I will move forward, I will date again, but as of right now I will focus on my near future.

Speaking of my future...I took the CAT test (or CUNY Assessment Test) to determine if I needed remedial classes and I passed everything except one portion of Math which isn't that surprising considering how long it's been since I put it into practice.
As you can imagine, I completely freaked out about taking the test. Then on top of that the test was held in the school, so I had the added anxiety of seeing my new school for the first time.

Yep...my poor nails didn't stand a chance...

But while my brain was undergoing the damage of a hurricanes worth of worries, I had myself a moment of clarity. I decided that what I needed was perspective. I needed to see this whole situation differently. So instead of doing what I normally would, which is a lot of last minuet cramming and freaking out, I decided to do the opposite. I forced myself NOT to study, and my mantra became "just float".
Every time I felt a wave of panic begin to rise, "just float", when I realized I was mindlessly eating my fingers "just float", when I wanted to scream and throw-up simultaneously, "just float".
Granted I still chewed the living shit out if my fingers and I still worried a bit when the day came, but thanks to my mantra it was soo much easier.
It also helped that while I waited outside the classroom to take the test some dude walked passed full on picking his noes without a care in the world. That sort of brought me back to reality and laughter is a natural relaxant...lol

So the test is done, today I sent in my Immunization Form that I waited hours and fought many angry patients to get signed in order for them to clear me to register, and this evening I got an email inviting me to the "New Student Assembly" on January 10th also known as Freshman Orientation.


College here I come...if I can get through Christmas and New Years Eve...

Broken Bodies, Mirrors, and Pain.....

I looked in the mirror and when I saw my eyes I almost lost it. 

I thought I had been handling this breakup well, priding myself on my lack of tears, ignorant of its warning, choosing to believe I had prepared myself well for this pain, but I was wrong.

Behind my eyes I saw a woman who has not stopped crying from the moment we fought. Behind the face I saw in the mirror was the shadow of bloodshot eyes, dark circles, tear stained cheeks, and raw skin. I saw my hidden pain and it almost sent me over the edge.

I found myself pacing my home, mindlessly picking up items only to put them back down. My body on auto pilot while my mind screamed at my blindness.

Why hadn't I seen it?

My chewed fingers covered in chipped nail polish, the rising numbers on the scale, the sleepless nights, the dry patches on my skin, and my inability to care about any of it. Standing there I felt like I was wailing beneath my skin yet my cheeks were dry as my chest heaved with hollow tears.

I imagined what I would see, if I could step outside myself, removing the blinders from my eyes. 

Would I see the two halves of my broken self?

The hollow one seemingly normal, standing, smiling, going through the motions, trying to fool the world and herself, while the other lays crumpled on the floor, her body raked by sobs, her cheeks wet and swollen with tears enough to drown the world.

It’s one thing to know things didn’t work because your just not meant to be, but it’s another to know you didn’t work because you had the potential to be great together.

I saw realization in his eyes that I could make him happy, that he may have found someone who could bring him hope again, someone he could possibly make a future with, and when that realization truly hit him, so did the fear.

He lives in a world of self-made rules, so absolutely sure he’s not meant to be happy that if something comes into his life that has the potential of proving his personal truth wrong, he runs from it. Because to prove his greatest personal truth wrong, would put all his other theories into question.

We are so much alike him and I, but what he doesn’t realize and doesn’t see is that I used to think the way he does and learned the futility of it.

I saw the traps I was laying around myself, the traps of absolutes and categories, and the greatest trap of all, perfection. These traps are like invisible walls, protecting you from getting hurt, yet boxing you in and never allowing you to leave the world you’ve created for yourself. Walls that let you see into the world outside making you believe you’re a part of it, yet keeping you from it. What you created to protect yourself in turn becomes your prison.

I stand outside that prison trying to reach him, to touch him, to show him how to escape, but how can you convince someone of a trap they can’t see. To them you are just a crazy person talking madness and idiotic crap.

I never allowed myself to love till I met him. That love made me a better person, a better woman, a better human being, and it breaks me to know it’s over.

We made a formidable duo and together we cold have ruled the world, but instead I stand with my hand pressed against the glass of his enclosure while he walks away…..

So it's official...

Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart...

Its interesting how a song once heard, heard again can mean soo much more...

Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

"Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well, you could try sleeping in my bed

Lonely, own me nobody ever shut it down like you
You wore the crown
You made my body feel heaven bound
Why don't you hold me
Need me, I thought you told me
You'd never leave me

Looking in the sky I could see your face
And I know right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I'll always be in love
With you
Right til the end 
Oh

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had tonight
I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could've told you right from the start
It's bound to fall apart
So rather than hold onto a broken dream
I'll just hold on to love

And I could find a way to make it
Don't hold on too tight
I'll make it without you tonight..."

I'll update everyone about school and stuff soon...

Can't Think....

Stuff has happened...stuff I don't really have the ability to talk about yet...but let me try...

I feel hollow...yet one of my major lines was crossed...
I can handle a lot of abuse and forgive a lot of things toward me but somethings are sacred.
I thought I would fume or cry, rage or sob, but instead I felt sad for him at first, then numb. When he hung up on me the normal tears fell but then something happened.

Something turned off.

I can still laugh, I seem rather normal, and nobody would know that a major part of my life just ended...at least no one but the one who knows me best, and even I don't fully know because part of me still doesn't believe it happened (did that sentence make any sense...lol). The words haven't officially been said, but it seems the writing is on the Facebook friendship walls.

I'm not surprised it went the way it did, he told me it would, and we create our reality.
Maybe we happened too soon...I saw the clues, the signs, the patterns of behavior.
Happiness, followed by over analyzed distance, then the "aggressive interrogation" that would send me into defensive mode. The longer and happier the moments and the more pronounced his happiness, the longer the distance, and the more aggressive the interrogation even as I was getting better at dealing with it, but my learning curve wasn't as quick as his progress.
I thought he would listen when I told him why, I thought he would care. I thought he would try for me the way I was trying for him.

Maybe I feel numb because I have so many things going on, my emotions being pulled in soo many different directions and somehow this overloaded my circuit breaker and flipped my robot switch.
I know I'll feel it...the loss...I can feel the faint whispers of it now, a promise of future pain.
Its only a matter of time as he pulls further and further away and I feel the deep burning tear growing deeper across my heart.

The first man I ever loved and probably always will....

(when I saw the picture above it made me laugh. It's soo something he would say in a humorous way lol)