Dating and other Shit That is Driving Me NUTS!....

Internets down so I'm blogging from my phone....oh joy...not an easy task for a wind bag like me...lol

Why does life have to be so difficult?

1. Why is it when your nice to a guy, he immediately takes it as code for "I Wanna Fuck You"?
No!! That is NOT what it means!!!

2. Is it possible to fall for someone because of the way they write?

3. How its it I'm gonna be 30 and I can still feel like a fucking 16 year old with a crush?

I mean what the HELL people!!!
This is just a snippet of the crap going through my head right now....lol

Let's deal with #1 first...

I couldn't start this school semester quiet could I...
I have to deal with this shit right away...

I would like to just go to class and be friendly without someone thinking it means I want them, without having to worry about looking too nice because I might attract too much attention.

It's a classroom, not a fucking bar!

God...I even hate the way this shit sounds coincided...lol

I gave you my number because you said you have info that could help me with a problem. Not so you can text me to ask me what's up. And if my response is I'm busy, again trying to be nice, that should be a clue I don't wasn't to talk, and that definitely doesn't mean you can ask me "where I'm going" like you know me.
Forgive me for going ghetto but "You don't Know ME!"...lol

What do I have to do, tattoo "No I DON'T want to fuck you" across my forehead for you to get a clue?
Or maybe if I don't bathe for a few weeks, and come to class smelling like ASS, I'll finally be left alone.
But then again, with my luck, that would probably just attract the real twisted ones...lol

I don't know why this rant feels so familiar...lol

Now on to #2...

As you can see, when I write I have a certain flow and cadence to the way I say things. I like to write the way I think, and for the most part, the way I speak when I get to know you.
When I write I find the purest form of the real me and maybe that's why I've taken to writing so much. Much of my insecurities and fears I can put aside when I write, which I think is true for most people. My head is clear, and if it isn't, I can alway come back when it is, but in that lies the problem, especially when you enter the realm of online dating.

Most online dating happens through emails or text messages, my perfect medium. But when it comes to meeting face to face, the person you meet isn't going to be right away the dynamic person that you talked to in the emails. I'm still awkward and shy at first when you meet me face to face.

Granted I'm soo much better then I used to be, now that I use humor to break the tension, but I still feel the awkwardness and anxiety that makes me less them quick on my feet. Because of this, I had one relationship feel weird because the guy didn't understand that he had to give me some time to get comfortable with him first before that side of me came out in person.

He fell fast for the woman in the emails, and had no patience for the woman before him. Funny thing was, he wasn't exactly the same in person as he had been in his emails either, but who ever is.
I never say anything in writing that I'm not willing to do in reality (except when I write fiction...obviously), it just takes a bit longer for it to come out.
But if your willing to be patient, you'll find I'm all the woman I am when I write, and more...lol...:-)

Finally crazy thought #3...

This one is driving me nuts!
Just when I begin to feel all adult and confident in my ability to handle men, here comes that stupid anxiety madness I had as a teenager whenever I had feelings for someone.

You know what I'm talking about, the feelings of when you like someone but you don't think they like you the same way, but you can't help it, and you over think every single thing you did or said or want to do with him/her.
The kind of madness that permeates your thoughts at inopportune times, makes you connect almost every song you hear to that person, and no matter how much you know you should move on and let go, you can't seem to...

Yep... I fucking hate that shit!
Makes me feel like a fucking crazy person...

This particular thorn in my paw is someone who reads my blog so I can't go into too many details, except to say he has a girlfriend which makes me feel even worse for feeling the way I do.

I've never been ok with going after someone who is with someone else, even if it isn't that serious, because I believe in karma and common sense.
Twice in my inexperienced past I was stupid, lied to myself, and started down that path, but luckily both times it blew up in my face before anything bad happened, so if that isn't a sign from the "powers that be" trying to save my karmic spirit, I don't know what is.

Now that I'm older and wiser, I know I won't be lead astray again, but I can't help the evil thoughts that cross my mind.

I know that if it's ment to be, it will be...
So close yet so far....oh fucking hell!!!!

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My Coffee Rant in my Last Blog made me Think of This...

: Zip Codes : Foamy The Squirrel 

Back to School....(*Blowing a Raspberry*)....

Oh...God...I hurt....
I don't even know why I'm writing right now...

I guess it's cause it's been bothering me that I haven't written anything in a while, but I am soo tired right now...
and for those of you thinking:
"Why you so tired? It's not like you got no job or nothen!" ...
You can kiss my big fat ASS!!...lol
Yep...thanks to seeing an episode of the "Jersey Shore" immediately before deciding to write, that's what you sound like in my head ...lol
I don't even watch that shit...those people make my skin crawl, but I guess that's a good example of how tired I am, that I didn't even have enough strength to change the Damn Channel!...LOL

Anyhoo...back to my original point...
I'm tired...that's obvious since I've said it a bunch of times already. I don't know if it's cause I'm working out again, if it's having to get back into my old school schedule, or if it's because I've been trying to keep from busting my ass every time I walk out on these freaken icy streets, draining my already tapped reserves.
Fuck! for all I know it could be all the above plus some extra.
What I do know is that I had to drink two glasses of tea and one bubble tea in order to function today, and that ain't normal. Usually the bubble tea by itself will have me tweaking for hours...lol

I know...I'm a light weight compared to you coffee drinkers, and maybe I should of just broken down and made myself a cup, but I don't want to get dependent on that shit. Once you cross over to that coffee line, it's almost impossible to go back.
Coffee is the legal crack of our society today. Trying to talk to a coffee drinker before they've had there first cup, is like trying to talk to a crack head before their first rock of the day, they will cut a bitch if you keep them from there shit LOL!

Back to topic (drifted a bit)...lol
Yesterday and today was mandatory orientation for the start of our "Spring" semester. Classes don't officially start until February 7th, and I won't know till then what class they've put me in, or if they deleted me from the system like last time...ha..ha..eh. Either way, I'm ready.
I got all my paperwork filled out and handed in yesterday, I got all my test scores from last semester, and no matter what, they will be putting me in the right class this time. I now know how the system works and I ain't gonna be played again...lol

This year I'll be sighing up for there advanced program that requires 3 extra elective classes. These classes will really help me with the job search.
They have a class that gets you prepared for working in the health field as well as finding a job, a computer class for certification in word and excel, and even classes that prepare you for the new green job market. Plus this year I will be signing up for the Math Lab, which will give me a more comprehensive background in math and will help prepare for collage level work.

As far as my love life is concerned, the classes haven't even started yet and it looks like I already have some complications that will have to be clipped quick.
Geekcano didn't show and I haven't heard from him since late December, so I doubt he'll be back, but I kinda expected that. Deep down, no matter what he said, I don't think he really wanted to be in the program. It was too much. I didn't see his buddy either, which is kinda disappointing cause I liked the guy, but that's a sure sign he's not coming back. Last semester you hardly saw one without the other...lol

So...that's it. I can't believe I wrote as much as I did...then again...I do tend to blabber when over tired....lol

Blowing a raspberry

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Blowing a raspberry or strawberry or making a Bronx cheer is to make a noise signifying derision (and/or silliness), made by sticking out the tongue between the lips and blowing to make a sound reminiscent of flatulence. In the terminology of phonetics, this sound can be described as an unvoiced linguolabial trill [r̼̊]. It is never used in human language phonemically (i.e., to be used as a building block of words), but it is widely used across human cultures.
Nomenclature varies: in the US, Bronx cheer is sometimes used; otherwise, in the US and in other English-speaking countries, it is known as a raspberry, rasp or razz—the origin of which is an instance of rhyming slang, in which the non-rhyming part of a rhyming phrase is used as a synonym. In this case, "raspberry tart" rhymes with "fart".^[1] It was first recorded in 1890.^[2]
The term "Bronx Cheer" is used sarcastically because it's not a cheer; it is used to show disapproval. The term originated as a reference to the sound used by some spectators in Yankee Stadium, located in the Bronx, New York City.^[3][4]"

LMFAO!!!! God I love Wikipedia!!....

 (Above photo by VShellabarger, Photobucket, and is directly linked)

My Grandmother and I (Where I Come From to Who I am Today)...

My grandmother, a Caguas farm girl, who was a descendant of rebels and indigenous people, inherited their spirit when she left her step mothers abusive home to live with her grandmother and her sisters. It was there that she met my grandfather who swept her away to Manhattan. Yet not speaking a word of English and in a completely foreign environment, they planted there roots, started a family, and had 7 children. That was the beginning….

They were non traditional parents in the sense that though God was very important they weren’t very strict in there Christian faith. If anything my grandmother leaned more toward being a believer in the “Espiritista” or the spiritualist way of being that she learned from her grandmother and her great aunts. A belief of healing with herbs and praying to God, the Saints, and our ancestors for there help, guidance, and protection. A belief and way of being that she instilled in her children and in me.

Unfortunately her husband passed away while most of their children were still very young, leaving my grandmother to fend for herself. But once again that rebellious sprit gave her the strength she needed because instead of ending up on the street or in a asylum, my grandmother got 2 jobs, learned English, and somehow raised all 7 children on her own.

Raising them in New York, the melting pot of the world, they became more culturally intermingled in their upbringing, but because of the racist attitudes of that time, like everyone else they had to adapt to the American or more precisely “White” culture in order to survive in the public eye. Yet even though the pressures of society would have preferred for them to hide who they were, most of them wore there heritage proudly because of the way they were raised.

Both my grandparents taught them the ways of their culture, but it was my grandmother who taught them about what you would call the roots of our culture. She also instilled in them one of the most important parts of our culture, a very strong Puerto Rican ideology which is the unity of family and what it means to be family.

She made sure each of her children grew up as unique individuals, with the freedoms that come from being brought up in the states, but no matter how different each one was, they all shared a similar understanding of faith and never forgot to come to together for every holiday, birthday, or special occasion, and that was something my grandmother always made sure they never lost.

She was a major part of everyone’s lives including mine. I was lucky enough to be raised around her for almost all of my childhood and she gave me the same foundation she gave her children. Even though I am a second generation Puerto Rican who speaks very little Spanish, thanks to her teachings, I feel like a first. So when she suddenly passed away, it was not just the loss of a person but the loss of our family’s foundation.

It happened a month before my senor year in high school and her sudden death shook me to my very core, but what I didn’t see coming was the effect it would have on my family and on myself.

We became out of balance. The person we all relied on heavily was no longer with us, and the affects were not only emotional but physical. My aunts and uncles lost their mother, the person who was always there to keep them steady, who helped to look after there children when they worked, and not having the funds to pay for a nanny that meant having to cut hours or even possibly quitting there jobs. No one could afford to do any of that without losing everything else.

Watching this from the sidelines and seeing my family slowly beginning to fall apart, I realized unlike them, I had a choice. I knew what I could do, but it became what I had to do, what my grandmother would have done, and being the eldest of my cousins, I left school and became the family nanny. What I didn’t realize was that in doing that, in sacrificing my education, I had become more then just a nanny.

I became the new teacher, the new confidant, the new friend to not only my cousins who now became like my brothers, but surprisingly to my uncles and aunts as well. I also became the new spiritual center of the family, having learned some of the ways of being from my grandmother, but also on my own, I began to guide and protect those I loved.

I had always been like a daughter to each of my aunts and uncles, but because of what I had done, I became more like a sibling and had earned the right to sit at the metaphorical “elders table”.

Over the years I helped raise and watch my cousins grow, each one now my brothers but also like my children, helping them with their schooling when necessary, and with joy I watched most of them get into collage. I helped my aunts and uncles through crises, celebrated their joys, shared in their sorrows, but also helped them embrace there roles as the new elders of the family.

I didn’t see any of these changes happen. I knew my role had changed in the family when I noticed how I was being treated differently, but not the bigger picture. I just accepted it for what it was and was happy anytime someone needed my help. I didn’t realize what I had truly done and the impact I had made until recently, when my family made me take a step back and see exactly where I stood, what roles I play and how everyone depends on me.

I am part of every holiday, every special occasion, I am asked my opinion on every big decision, and when I speak, people truly listen. So much so that when my aunt finally met a man who she could see herself marrying, to my continued surprise and honor, she sought my approval.

I had spent most of my life feeling lost, less then, feeling like a looser, like I hadn’t accomplished anything because I wasn’t in the same place, or doing the same things as other people my age. But my family helped me see the truth. They helped me see how much I had truly done, how I had helped hold everyone together, how I had become the new center of our clan, and for the first time I truly saw myself.
I cried hard that day and though there are other things I have to accomplish for me to continue my journey, for the first time in my life, I am proud of who I am and the path I chose to take.

My grandmother taught me the importance of family and of endurance of sprit by both seeing how she lived her life, and by what she taught me. If it hadn’t been for her, I wouldn’t have the strong closely connected family that I have, and without her I don’t think I would have had the courage to make the decision I did to leave school. She was the glue that held us all together. She was a grandmother, a mother, a teacher, a guide, a friend, and she was the one who taught me what it meant to be a part of a true family.

I took on her mantel, something I don’t believe I have the right to wear, but my family seems to think differently. She was the strongest woman I’ve ever known, and somehow they see that strength in me.

I will strive to be worthy of the faith they have placed in me and who knows, maybe they’re right. After all, I was named after her….

New Year, New Me, New Blog...WooHoo!!!

So I've done a bit of blog housekeeping...as u can see...:)...and I seem to be back on track with my life.

I lost the holiday pounds, and I'm exercising again. Granted not as often thanks to the pain and weakness that seems to be weather related.
Since recovery takes longer in between sessions, I'm only exercising once to twice a week, depending on if that week is busy or not, but I'll be back at my old strength and schedule in no time.

I also got my focus back and remembered what is truly important.
I'm confident I'll get a job once things are in order, and am looking forward to seeing new and old friends.

Even the fact that more snow is on the way makes me happy. I just hope it doesn't keep me from going out.

As for the new blog...its the same as the old one except on the right of my main post are links to a Completely New Blog I created that's dedicated to my story writing and another link to my Fibromyalgia blog.
So in other words...everything I wine and bitch about can be found all in one place...LOL

(Photo by FindStuff2, Photobucket and is directly linked)

Just a little something I wrote...

Darkness...why must everything return to darkness...

My mind had wondered again...dangerous...stupid...
I tried to re-focus. I closed my eyes and listened.
Just the normal silence, my heart beat, the steady breathing by the door, the scrape of tiny nails within the wall, the piercing scream of a woman.
I open my eyes...and the sound fades to it's natural volume...miles away...
It should frighten me, make my heart skip, the way it used to, but...I feel... nothing...empty...hollow...

I can tell it's not her so why should I care. Just another woman...stupid enough to get caught.
But I should be glad...that scream was heard for miles. They'll follow it back to it's source like fly's to shit. They always do...the fucking scum...and the others...they'll stay hidden...scared back into there cages like frightened birds.
Our hunting zone should be clear...at least for a few days...
So...I guess I should be grateful to that pathetic woman...but no...I don't even feel that...

Shit...I'm getting distracted again, got to refocus...(deep breath)...
Forcing my tired eyes wide... I bring myself back to the present...

To anyone else this room would be pitch black. For me, that little bit of light coming in through the shattered windows changes everything.
It lets me see every single corner of this black puddle of shit I used to call a home, as if every object in it were lit from within.
Now it's just another empty apartment. All the warmth it once had destroyed, like the broken glass that's scattered across the floor, reflecting the blackness back on itself. All that's left are pieces of furniture, crumpled newspapers, empty cans, torn sheets, and me... sitting very still on a torn cushion in the middle of the room.

My eye gets drawn back to the glint of the knife in my hand and my thoughts return to there original occupation...

How easy it would be...to let it slip...to let it find it's way into the deep flesh of my wrist.
It wouldn't hurt...well... maybe only at first...then the delicious numbing would spread as the warm liquid washed down my hand and on to the floor.
God how I remember that feeling. I could just lay back, fall asleep and this would all be over...a nightmare finally ended.

My eyes closed again as I wallowed in this gruesome fantasy, mindlessly lifting the knife and pressing its side against the soft flesh of my inner wrist, feeling the kiss of the cold steel sending shivers through my body. It would be so easy to just turn the knife...no one would care...but as if in answer to my thoughts the sound of a growl...

My eyes snapped open...
FUCK!...My stupid fucking mind wandered again and now it could mean our lives. I wouldn't be the only one to pay for my failure.

I secured my grip around the worn handle of the knife, ready to spill the blood of another, my own blood forgotten.
Rocking to the balls of my feet, I moved swiftly to my position crouched behind the wall, the adrenalin making me steady, clearing my mind.
I may have been taken off guard this time, but nothing else would get past me, that was a fact.
I was pissed now and that made me even more dangerous then usual. Pissed that I had lost focus, pissed that my mind was weak, but I could feel the strength in my limbs increase with every breath and my senses clear and on full alert. Whomever came through that door would be meeting their death, and somehow that thought made me smile.

I gave the room one last scan before turning my full attention to the hallway and the source of the warning.

The one who had awoken me from my dream was standing full alert in front of our barricaded door. His large head lowered as slow growls continued to escape his upturned lips, the red fur on his massive shoulders standing on end. As I watched my brother with admiration, the sound of what captured his attention reached my ears.

Someone had entered our building...

Holidays are Over...but they Left me in Hell...

How is it I'm back at square 1??

I mean not entirely... the pain isn't as bad as it was before and I didn't gain all my weight back, but 7 pounds means a lot to my body.
I haven't exercised in weeks, I'm tired all the time, the headaches are back, and the scale is continuing to go up.
How can this happen?...well I know how it can... but why?
Why now after all the progress I've made?

I know intellectually that its the holidays and the weather. The cold takes it's toll, it's more then my body can handle, but then you add stress, excessive amounts of food, and BOOM!
Now that the holidays are over, the foods gone and so is my money so I'll be eating less, but staying "in the green" requires more then eating less. I know that when it gets warmer the pain will be better, so I can move more, but I can't wait till then. By then I might have swung the pendulum too far back to where I was.
I can't fall back now, I just can't. I don't know if I have it in me to start truly from scratch. To do this all over again.
I've lost my confidence, and I don't know how to get it back....

There are people I wanna see, things I need to do, goals I have to accomplish, but maybe that's it, maybe that's the problem.
I've been thinking too far ahead again, instead of taking one day at a time.
I've been worrying about what other people think, about what others expect of me, instead of what I need to do for myself.

I forgot my path...but I may just have found it again...:)

(The amazing photo above is By Nulion, Photobucket, and is directly linked)