30 and in College: Walking the Writers Gauntlet...

So College is in full swing and I am pooped to say the least...
I had my first traumatizing encounter with ignorant criticism in my English class over a piece I wrote about mothers. I based my piece on the Makepeace Thackeray quote:

"Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children."

Granted, I knew the quote because of the movie "The Crow" but it stayed with me and I felt it was a good jumping off point to describe what motherhood means to me...


Oh why did I do that!!


I know that even mentioning the word God in any public place is a dangerous thing because people don't hear past the word, but I didn't expect it to be that bad...
Instead of my classmates hearing the point of what I wrote they heard that I was saying mothers are like God, or are God, and before I knew it, every person commenting on my piece was using the word offended either because they were spiritual or because they don't believe in God. Even one person said something about that she was offended because "what about women who get raped...." which I don't even know where that came from.
Only one person got the point of my 30 min essay, and understood that what I was expressing was the sentiment of the quote. That the way a baby feels or sees their mother is similar to the way some people feel about their God, and that to be a mother is a great responsibility.
Later after the shock of that shit storm passed (took a few days) I was able to laugh at it. 
I finally had me a true writers moment. To be a writer is to express yourself, open your heart, and risk getting it trampled on for the sake of your art.


I walked the gauntlet of the writer.


But it wasn't until I had go back to that class and read another essay out loud (I was so nervous I wanted to puke) that I knew I was going to be ok. 
Ironically enough one of the topics our teacher gave us that day was terror. So I wrote about my issues with stage fright, the very thing I was coping with in that moment. 
I described terror and how it wasn't anything like fear, which it is confused with so often in our society. I told of my first experience with stage fright, describing in first person detail what I went through. But this time after I finished reading my piece to the class, I got nothing but really positive comments and high praise. They loved it, they loved how I wrote, how I made them feel what I was going through, how clear I was, and some even said I should write novels because listening to my essay made them want to hear more.
It was like I had entered an alternate universe, a Bizarro world if you will. Within a week I went from being the shit on the bottom of everyone's shoe, to a writer worthy of publishing novels.


I wont lie...I left that classroom feeling high as a kite. But as I was leaving I checked myself. 
Man can be a fickle creature. We can love something one minuet and despise it the next. Just because they liked my latest piece doesn't mean they will love my future essays. I can fall from grace just as easily as I rose.

The way I see it is at least I now know that I can survive a painful shit storm of criticism and come out the other side swinging.


I am finally walking the true path of the writer... 

(Photo by gotitlikethat97 ,  Photobucket and is directly linked)

Quick Vent About After Valentine's Blues...

So I had a pretty decent Valentine's Day, things went pretty smoothly and the thoughts I had of my ex (if not brought up in conversation) were less then I anticipated. Then like some celestial joke, I found a myself spending all day yesterday thinking about him...

Sure I had the internal yellathon with my mind to shut up about him, but nothing I did to distract myself worked. I found myself imagining him waiting for me after class in front of my school, looking at every parked motorcycle really hard to see weather it was his, double taking on every tan old school car I saw, or hoping he would be miraculously waiting for me when I got home. I kept seeing things and places that reminded me of him, for instance the places where we would park and listen to music for an hour (besides making out), the coffee shop where we went on our first date, or my stoop where we would talk for hours after he brought me home....and then I realized all these places are right by where I live and I can't get away from them. Almost like he pre-planned for most of our memories to take place in my neighborhood so if we broke up he wouldn't have to deal with them....I know a kinda fucked up thing to imagine, and I know he would't and probably couldn't think that far ahead, but I found it rather unfair that I have to be the one who is constantly reminded of a relationship that didn't work...

So now that I've vented about it I'm taking these thoughts and putting them to the side. I can't live in the past and I have a bright future ahead of me. There are plenty of fish in the sea, especially tall tattooed, bearded fish, and who knows where my next adventure in romance will lead.
I also will begin to focus on blogging about non ex stuff. I was reading my old blogs and I gotta get that flow back...

(Photo above is from an inspiration of mine Seth Casteel who takes amazing photos of animals.)

(Check out his web sight at littlefriendsphoto.com)

Happy V-Day or Happy Singles Awareness (or Appreciation) Day!!! And a Happy Surprise...:-)

Yes...Today is Valentine's Day...
Now normally I am not a fan of the day, except for the excellent sales on candy and my affinity for candy hearts which you can only find today. But I am a fan of Romance, I never found anything Romantic about a forced day of affection. So I was pleasantly surprised that this Valentine's Day actually went rather well.

I was dreading having to go to class, being surrounded by all those children being gooey and mushy with their sweet smelling perfumes, pink outfits, flowers, and balloons, when I rather do my norm which is chill in front of the TV watching the annual cheaters marathon on G4.
So I prepared for the onslaught by dressing in some of my favorite geek war wear and mentally prepared myself for the public affection and giggly bobble-headed females.
Instead what I got was the complete opposite.
From the moment I got on the train, I realized I was surrounded by my people. Hard working people who were just trying to get to their destination without drama, and for them, today was just like any other day.
It was actually rather surreal and I found myself scanning people looking for any hint of hidden Valentine's paraphernalia like any red or pink clothing, flowers, or gifts.
I found nothing.
In fact, some of the women looked as if they hadn't even bothered pulling themselves together to go out or for that matter hadn't bothered to shower, while the men were wearing beat-up casual clothing, or normal office attire. Funny enough, I think I had on the most makeup in my part of the train car, which for me consists of average nude eye makeup and a bit of lip gloss...lol

From that train ride on, the day went on like any other day.
Got to school, went to class, and left.
I noticed a few people with flowers or balloons in the halls, but they were so few and far between that it wasn't even an annoyance. It was as if almost everyone in school was like me and for once I was part of the majority....felt rather strange. In fact, the term Singles Awareness Day came from a classmate of mine who was wishing the whole class a Happy Singles Awareness Day. Until he uttered the term I didn't even know us single people had a holiday of our own to counteract Valentine's Day, so I Googled it.
On my way home I again saw the noticeable lack of Valentine's Days sticky love hemorrhage that would normally be everywhere and on everyone. No giggly bobble-headed clones, no idiots trying to fit 20 balloons on a crowded subway train, and no young couples pawing each other in public, making out full on french style for the world to see.

So the thing I was afraid of didn't happen. I got through the day without needing to shower away residual glitter or funky odors... Then as if to make my day end even better, as I was leaving my subway station, I was surprised by my mother and my big mush ball Baby Huey of a dog.
Seeing them waiting for me, my big dog pulling to get to me with his big fluffy tail wagging madly just made my night.
What a nice way to end my evening, being greeted by those I love the most.

Did I have a few bad moments?
Sure...it is Valentine's Day after all and I'm newly single after breaking up with the first man I ever loved, so memories are gonna pop up causing melancholy thoughts, but I pushed through them pretty well.

Then the final cherry on top of my day was finding out I can fit into a size 12 jeans again....
HOLY FUCK!!!
and I'm not talking about squeezing into them, but just putting them on. Sure I still had to do the butt tuck trick where you contract the butt muscles as you pull the jeans up (my big bootay is always gonna be an issue) but I hardly had to do that.
I guess even though I'm not exercising, all this running around is still burning those calories...

So this Valentine's Day went from anticipated horror, to any other boring day, and actually ended better then most days.  If this isn't proof of a higher power, I don't know what is....lmao!

 (Photo above of me wearing my favorite geek shirt and the beautiful prayer beads my cousin made.)

30 and in COLLEGE: My First Full Week(worries)....plus other junk...

As I type this I am sitting in my aunts basement freezing my tits off, open schoolbooks, notebook, and laptop surrounding me, pen tucked behind my ear, highlighter clenched in my teeth, but I'm also using what little energy I have left not to kill my uncle who is currently singing karaoke Christian POP at the top of his lungs....

Needless to say, my somewhat noise-canceling earphones are in my ears utilizing a white noise app that I found which is currently flooding my eardrums with the soothing sound of rain and thunder, so at least I can getaway from the madness somewhat.

As you can imagine from the above, I'm a bit on edge...but it's not just because I'm trapped in an ironically cold HELL full of bad christian music, it's not because my cousin is once again being a selfish ungrateful douchebag and has disappeared with my aunts van uncaring of her need to use it today or our need to use it tonight to get home, nor is it because I'm having a pretty bad pain flare up and I'm on the rag, but because I'm exhausted after my first full week of school and scared I wont make it.

I didn't expect it to be easy, but after the first week, I wont lie, I'm fearful that I've gone over my head and that I'm doing too much. Everyday I have class, three days a week I have two classes back to back. Mostly general requirements, and 1 elective which is my Psychology class. The classes themselves aren't the problem as much as is the labor involved in lugging my heavy bag, back and forth everyday on the subway. I keep telling myself that in a month this trip back and forth will seem like nothing, but I can't help feeling that nagging doubt creep up my spine every time I come home and my body literally collapses in on itself. I know this flare up is a direct result of the stress I put my body through this week, and I'm afraid I'm going to set all my progress back because it's too much for my body to handle.
Plus, if my interview (which has been rescheduled for the 23rd of this month) goes well, I will have a job to go to on top of the other job assisting my uncle with his accounting job, both of which will fill up what remaining time I have left, and will require more lugging around of my heavy ass bag.
So to say the least I'm worried. I wanna believe I can do this, that I can handle it, but I can't help but feel like I might have bitten off more then I can chew.

Not much I can do about it except wait and see...for now I will try to enjoy Superbowl Weekend, cheer for my Giants, and do my best not to kill my uncle or my cousin...lol

(photo by Photobucket, zag7734 and is directly linked)