Surviving Christmas and Trying to Stay Out of Jail...

I LOVE my family...
Anybody who knows me, knows that they are the center of my world.
But I am on the verge of loosing my mind....

There is a situation going on with a member of my family that is driving me crazy.
It isn't right...it wasn't the way we were raised, and he's completely ignorant, arrogant, and disrespectful, but nobody is doing anything about it.
I want to just take people and shake the sense back into them.
Some I just want to punch in the nose or kick in the nuts...and having to smile and pretend that everything is hunky dory is driving me crazy...

Case in point...a certain person who hasn't lifted a finger to help us with the holidays just said he wants me to give him a massage as a Christmas present.
I want to scream!!!
All I want to do is tell him where he can stick his massage, but I can't because that's not having the "holiday spirit"...neither is acting like a jackoff but nobody says anything to him!

and yes...i am PMSing which isn't helping me control the beast that wants to rip peoples heads off with my teeth, but this shit drives me crazy even when I'm completely hormonally balanced...lol

On a lighter less violent note...lol...I was able to use the Christmas money I got to buy my mother a gift.
Since not being able to work, I haven't been able to give her anything for the past two years, but after getting some money from my father for Christmas, I decided to use it on her and get her a much needed winter coat. But not just any coat, a Eddie Bauer WeatherEdge® Superior Down Parka. Warmest coat they had and the best thing is that Eddie Bauer coats last for years.
I got one for myself a few years back when I gained too much weight for my coats and it was the best investment I ever made. Especially now that I've lost all this weight, it may be too big, but I couldn't care less cause it's roomy and warm. I call it my bear skin...lol
My only wish is that it were longer, but otherwise it's perfection in a coat.

My family has given me soo much and has been such an amazing support for me but even more so since I got sick. To give back to them, even a little, is better then any superficial gift I could get for myself.
I know this is gonna sound crazy...but I can't wait till I'm strong enough to work. Then I can help and buy them all kinds of things...:)

I truly am blessed with the crazy people I call family and maybe thinking about that will keep me from killing the one or two bad apples we have stinking up the house.
but for those who are not family...I will hold no quarter!!...lol

So...Merry Chirstmas Everyone....
and Stay out of Jail...LOL!

(The amazing photo above is by adddieb1, Photobucket, and is directly linked)

Thank GOD I'm NOT Brainwashed/My Small Thoughts on Dating...

What the hell!
I can't stop feeling bad about having to end things with this guy. Like I made a mistake, but I know I didn't.
 I know it was the right choice, but have you ever felt like someone was meant to be in your life, one way or another, but maybe not in the way you originally thought.

Lately I have been having a lot of premonition type/deja vu esk moments, and a lot of them have been when dealing with this guy. I believe when you have moments like that, it means your on the right road, that it's confirmation that things are going the right way. I had a real strong moment like that when I headed to his house, when I met his mother, when I hung with him, it was eerie actually, stronger then any other moment I've ever had. But I've been having a lot of moments like that lately since I started school.
So I hope that I can stay connected to him as a friend, because every instinct tells me I have to.

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I was once confused as to what to look for when deciding to date.
I went through all the confusing superficial things that all women go through, but I learned something important.
When your with a true potential, you get the flutter in your chest and in your lower belly.
It may take more then one date to find it, but if it's right it will be there.
The flutter in your lower belly usually means lust, which is great (and fun...lol), but it can be fickle and can lead you astray.
Its the flutter in your chest that you need to look for and pay attention to.
If you have the flutter in your chest and it warms when near your companion, it means that somehow that person has touched your heart. Even if they end up not being "the one", being with them, how ever brief or badly it might end, will teach you something that will bring you closer to the one you are meant to be with, just don't give up.
When someone touches your heart it's a profound thing, but ultimately you have the choice whether the change will be for the better or for the worse.

(Photo by asdxx, Photobucket and directly linked)

It's Official...Thundercat Guy is out of the Picture...

So...I had to do something today I've never done before.
I had to send a "Dear John" letter to Geekcano.

I hate ending things in an email...like some coward...but he didn't give me any other choice...

I just couldn't deal with it anymore.
Not only was he sabotaging his schooling and for lack of a better word "dropped out" of the program (though he kept saying he's going to go back and do better...right...), he was also acting like a 16 year old.

As it was, I wasn't seeing him because he wasn't coming to class, but then on the last day, the day of the awards ceremony, I find out his phone had been turned off.
Ok...no big deal but he didn't bother giving me a heads up on that until after I sent a tun of texts and finally a worried email. If I hadn't had his email address I wouldn't have been able to contact him at all.

Then after all that, I go a whole weekend without hearing from him, even though he said he'd be checking his email so we could keep in touch. It was like all of a sudden he went from practically harassing me to not caring enough to check an email. If your busy then fine, tell me, but leaving me in the dark...yet again...come on...I don't even do that to people who are my friends. Then finally on Monday I get a email from him like nothing happened telling me he wants me to come over...Talk about the straw that broke the camels back.

That was it. I'd had enough.
I don't know much about relationships...but this smells all too much like a game and I HATE games.
In case you don't know what I mean...it's the kinda games where you wait 3 days before calling someone so they think your not interested then when u do call they'll be all eager to please...that kinda shit...
I hated that stuff when I was a teenager and even more now that I'm an adult. It's a immature and stupid way to start a relationship with someone.

One second this guy is making me feel like I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, and then the next I feel like he doesn't really care about me at all. I realized the only time he bothered talking to me was when he wanted something.
I mean fuck...he didn't even show concern over me traveling late. He was only concerned when I was going out, then all of a sudden he wanted to know the who, what, where, and when.

The messed up part is that he's a nice guy. He really does have an innocence to him and a lot of the qualities I'm looking for, but unfortunately he's just too immature for me.
I hate that I might have hurt him, but I just couldn't stay in it anymore.

There were plenty of superficial reasons for me to stay with him. He's good looking, sexy, could have taken me places, shown me new things, I could have had a date for New Years (which would have been a first...lol) and I wouldn't have the drama next semester that I'm now gonna have when I get back to school.
But all of this shit isn't important. What mattered was that I was going through an emotional  roller coaster with him and I wasn't happy.

I can't stand woman who play games and men even less. Maybe that's why most of the guys I've dated have been honest to a fault.
Granted... it isn't easy dating an honest guy, especially when they say something that you really don't want to hear...but if you find one that can balance honesty with compasion, it's one of the best things in the world.

I don't know...maybe he was sabotaging his thing with me just like he was with his schooling, so he wouldn't have to make a choice. I knew he was still hung up on his ex, so maybe he wasn't ready to move on but wanted his cake too...
Whatever the reason, I guess I'm gonna have to keep looking, cause unless this guys grows up, he ain't it...

(Photo by Photobucket and directly linked...just something I found beautiful yet dark)

So the Fall Semester is Over...with a Few Surprises...

Today was our final day of classes. But instead of class they had an awards ceremony, where they give out certificates of completion as well as special awards...

When I arrived I noticed the tables all laid out with little booklets. Within these booklets were the works of different students, and to my surprise I found my name.
They had published the essay I had written to the PM coordinator!...
Yep...You know I freaked out a bit.
I mean...my work...out their to be judged by others....yeesh...talk about stomach upset, but yet... there it was...a tiny part of me printed in black & white and that made me kinda proud.
It wasn't till later when they asked the authors to read there work out loud that I got into trouble.

I was perfectly happy sitting there, letting other people read there work. I had NO intention of standing  in front of a podium and reading my very personal words to a room of mostly strangers. I hated the spotlight... it always made me nervous...and though my classmates were poking me to go up there and even my teachers were asking if I was going to read, I was confident in fact that there was no way in hell I was going on stage, but that all went out the window when the lead speaker was asking for more volunteers and the "boys" decided to volunteer me.

I'm just sitting there, minding my own business, playing with my phone, when I hear
"Hay!!...She'll do it!!" "Yea...we got one here...She'll read".
Frozen, I pretended I didn't know what was going on, that was until I herd the guys who I thought were my friends chant my name. I look up and there they are, their fingers pointing at me in front of smiling devious faces.
The whole room was looking at me.
So even though I wanted to scream I bravely smiled back at everyone, shaking my head no. Then the lead speaker joined in with the calling of my name as did others in the crowd, so I covered my face with the booklet, but they wouldn't stop.
Finally out of desperation and not knowing what to do, I mimed that I had lost my voice, cupping my throat  and looking up at the ceiling (yes...I mimed), but people just laughed. Score one for being funny... but it was too late, yet... for a split second.... I still thought about slipping under the table and pretending to be invisible, or pretending I had Touretts and yell out profanities...
No one would make someone like that read...right??
The guys had worked up the room and I was hearing my name everywhere.
Finally one of them actually got up and pulled me out of my chair. I tried to make my ass stick to the chair like glue, tried desperately to make gravity my friend and pretend I had the mass of the moon holding me down, but to no avail. The moment he dragged me to my feet, I had no choice.

With teeth clenched and my eyes blind to anything but the podium I marched up to the stage. I walked for what seemed like forever but as I passed "the boys" I loudly proclaimed that I was going to kill them.
Not the best move on my part considering the amount of legal witnesses who snickered at my outburst...lol...but this is what I get for being the only female friend in a group if guys.

Finally standing before the podium, I thought my head was going to explode with every new heart pound. But steeling myself as best as I could, I sucked in a breath and picked up the mic.

My piece was long and I told everyone if they wanted to nap, now was the time. That got a few laughs which helped me relax a bit.
It was easy at first. I found my rhythm and I could hear people responding to my work with hushed comments. I believe I spoke clearly even though every p and b uttered into the mic sounded like muffled gunfire.
Then as time wore on, my mouth became dry and sticky as I realized my piece dithered on a bit.
Ok...not a bit.....a LOT.
I was bored reading my own work! and realizing this, my nerves began to beat me from the inside out.
But as I'm reading, willing myself to get to the end I notice that the last few paragraphs seem different. That's when I realize it's because those aren't supposed to be the last paragraphs...the rest of my work is missing!!

I completely panic...

I didn't know what to do or say... but luckily my self preservation instinct kicked in and making a joke of it, I tell everyone the rest of my work isn't printed, and I gratefully end my torture in friendly yet awkward applause.
It wasn't till that moment, the moment I was standing there thanking the head speaker for allowing me the opportunity to completely embarrass myself, that I saw it...

The rest of my freaken essay was on the next page!!
and I made the mistake of saying it out loud.....ugg God!

So now I got some people yelling for me to finish, while the head speaker is trying to nicely shoo me off the stage. So I take his cue, and shimmy my completely embarrassed ass off stage as fast as I could.
Sure, all the boys gave me high fives as I passed them back to my seat and sure, they said I did great, but what else are they gonna say. It was the least they could do after dragging my ass over there. I wanted to bury my head in the sand.

It was printed. I hadn't seen it in my panic and my need to finish, but it was there...staring at me...laughing at me from it's comfy little page.
Granted it was printed as if it were a completely different piece, with a artfully black and white picture above it, and yes...part of it was in italic for no discernible reason, so I had plenty of good reasons for why I didn't notice it....but all those little reasons didn't matter.
I left the stage feeling like a complete idiot. The main point of my verbal diarrhea got left untold, so it ended up sounding like long ass list of crap I did in Cancun. I sounded like a self righteous egotistical moron.

What a waste...

I found the courage to read, to stand tall in my own personal version of hell, only to be thwarted by my own work...lol
Oh well...at least I can say did it. Yes...I will probably worry about what people thought. Hell I'm doing it right now, but maybe everyone will have some sort of short term memory loss...lol

After my debacle, they handed out the completion certificates, and the student awards. My name was called for my certificate and to my surprise it was called again for an award...
I was awarded the "Best Overall Student Award"...so you know that settled it...
I am now...officially to everyone there, a COMPLETE Dork...and a self important kiss ass...

Oh Boy!!...but it does go to show...no matter what age you are when your in school...mortification is still the name of the game...lol

(Picture above of the last two pages of my essay/story and how it was printed...)

This Woman has Kept me from going CRAZY!!

Her name is Robyn...:)
I've been listening to her almost everyday and she's kept me calm...
Thanks GOD for music...lol

Guilt tripping...and Weatherstripping...

Ok...WTF!!!
I'm tired but I got to get this shit off my chest.

I met this dude at school...already blogged about him, but he's got an annoying habit that I'm not going to be able to handle much longer...

He's a guilt tripper...
Yes...that thing that women (mothers in particular) are notorious for, except in my world the men are the kings of this ancient art of manipulation.

Why me??
What the hell did I do to deserve this crap??

Every time I get on the phone with this guy, he wants me to come over. He will start the sentence off with "I don't mean to be selfish" which indicates exactly what he's about to do, then tries to guilt me into coming over to his house.
At first he'll start with how he misses seeing me, misses hanging with me, then he'll try the "you must not like me the way I like you otherwise you'd be here"...I mean really?? Is he for real??...lol

On Thanksgiving, his family doesn't do anything, but I told him mine does and that I'd be very busy.
Ok...to any sane person that means I can't talk. Him calling once would have been fine, but he called me three, or four times, and again he kept trying to get me to come over to his house after I finished with my family. WTH!...Even when I did get home at 1am he wanted me to come over.

Dude doesn't care that I'm tired, or that it's late and it's not exactly safe for a woman to be riding the trains at 1am... No... he wants me to come over. He acts like a flipping 5 year old!

Now recently he got sick and has been home. Now I know what it's like being sick, hell I can write a book on sick, and he may actually be sick, but he ain't dying...
Still he's staying home from work, and missing school, so he's bored. What do you think happens when I call him to see how he is?
Boom, the question again..."Mami come over...I miss you... I need you"...HA!

Now let me explain something. I am a naturally empathetic person. I feel for people, even those I don't know, but the moment you try to guilt me into doing something you want, any compassion I had for you flips to annoyed anger in a second.

I don't like being manipulated.
My father (with whom I have a strained relationship as is) likes to use guilt, saying I don't call him enough. But one of the reasons I don't call him is because he tries to guilt me into doing it.

The quickest way to get me to do the opposite of what you want, is to manipulate me into doing it.
Plain and simple...
I will help you out, I will go out of my way to do something for you if you really need me. But if your being selfish don't fucking try this shit on me...just pisses me off.
Funny thing is, I was planning on seeing him this week before going to class, just to make sure he was ok. But every time I talk to him, he tries to guilt me and it just pisses me off so I stay home. Last thing I want is for him to think that shit works, otherwise I'll never get him to stop.

I don't know about the other women this guy dated, whether his tactics worked on them, whether he's used to being catered to, and I'm being told his behavior may be partially a cultural thing, but if this guy really wants to date me...he needs to take a crash course in Me 101 (deal breakers) cause there are just somethings that I'm NOT ok with...

(Photo by jtvlove, Photobucket and is directly linked)