IT'S ALIVE: The Resurrection of Running My Ass OFF...

So...this has been a long time coming but it needed to happen...
I'm bringing back to life my "get fit" campaign called "Running My Ass OFF"...because I'm tired of being out of shape and allowing all my stress to expand the size of my Ass!
The only thing is I'm gonna roll this in a bit of a different direction and I am no longer going to do it all on my own...
I've decided I needed help and that help is coming in the form of kickboxing classes...

Yes...I am now taking kickboxing classes...HA!

It's funny cause with everything that's been going on, it was my stress that actually gave me the idea...
After finding out my uncle had been diagnosed with lymphoma my stress level hit a whole new high. I found myself mad almost all the time and if I didn't want to cry I wanted to hit something. So every time I went to my aunts house, if I started to feel angry or upset, I would make use of the neglected punching bag in her basement gym.
Not only did I find that punching and kicking the living shit out of it helped tremendously, but I found it came almost naturally to me. I wasn't flaying my arms like a girl, but I was hitting and kicking like I had training and I was enjoying it. I enjoyed how tired I would get after a few punches and kicks, but how I wanted to do more. How I would feel calmer afterward, yet strangely energized and invigorated.
So I started looking into kickboxing classes.

I did the Google searches and asked people I knew, but the one place that kept coming up was ILoveKickboxing.com. At first I was skeptical since the web sight looked like one of those low graphic "as seen on TV" bogus sights that turns out not to be legitimate, but what kept it on my radar was it's multiple locations (one a couple of subway stops from my school), their web deal of 3 classes for $20 including free gloves (no not promoting just stating facts), and finally that my favorite Biggest Loser Tara Costa is there official spokesperson (yea I know...but she was the only person I could stand on that show...lol)
So I put it to the side for awhile nervous if I should take the plunge and if it would be worth it, when my mother comes to me telling me about this sight she found for a kickboxing classes and my aunt tells me she also passed by a kickboxing gym and got me its info. Both of them had found the same place I had on there own, and my aunt had actually gone to the location I was interested in and said it looked good.

For me that was it. Like a sign from the fates telling me to "just do it already!". As you can imagine, when the universe yells at you that loudly, you better start listening, so that night I signed up and the next day I made an appointment for my first class that Friday.
I did it, I took the plunge, so now it's just a matter of seeing if my body can handle it...

I'll talk about my first few classes in my next installment called "Kickboxing my Ass Off"...

Left Behind: Many Months Of Updates...

I've been dealing with so many things...so much shit I don't know where to begin.... and because of that I'm afraid this blog is going to sound like a rather long self pity party...so let me start with the good.

I've been studying hard and aced my midterm, (got 102% which is because I got the 4 point extra credit but lost 2 points for mislabeling one of my answers) and got a 98% on my final (which I was actually pissed about) which landed me an exact score of 100% for the whole class which means I hold on to that 4.0 GPA....But that's about it for the good news...

As for the bad (and I'll try to keep most of this brief in order to avoid sounding like I'm whining...)...

Lets start with the weight gain since my breakup...
He made me feel like a cow and now I've turned into more of a cow. Granted it's only 10 pounds but that's A LOT! I know part of it is the depression but also how he made me feel before I left. I've come to realized that my weight is my way of hiding from people, especially men, like a protection mechanism. So for instance if I feel bad about myself I don't want people to see me, so I eat more and gain weight, in a sense becoming invisible to most people. The better I feel about myself, and my body, the more I like myself the way I am, the more weight I loose because I don't mind people seeing me. It took me so many years to build up my confidence, to be ok with people noticing me again, and once I started feeling good about myself, even when I was really heavy, is when the weight started to really come off. It's just the way I seem to work. The happier I am with myself, the more weight I loose and the happier I become. The more I hate my body, the more weight I gain, and the more I hate myself. They're a domino effect that once started, is hard to stop. My break up got me falling in the wrong direction and now I'm struggling to catch up and stop it so I can get it moving in the right direction again.
But the break up isn't the only reason I've been gaining weight. Stress worrying over my family is another factor.

First there was my Mom, breaking right wrist on Mothers Day....and yes she is right handed...
We had just gotten back from a great dinner at my aunts house and were walking the dog, when this lady came up on us with her two sheep dogs leading the way. Max was in the middle of peeing on a tree when one of her dogs barked at us, and Max lunged sending my mother flying into the sidewalk face first, her feet unstable because of the trees roots. I saw her fall, forward on her hands and knew from the way she landed that it was bad, but had to chase after Max before things got worse. So jumping into the dog fight without even thinking about how dangerous that is, I got my hands on Max, got him in control and rushed back to my mother to help her up. From the way she was holding her right wrist I knew she was hurt bad, but it wasn't till I asked her if she was ok, and she replied "no", an answer she never gives me, that I knew we were headed to the ER.
She had fractured her wrist and broke her ring finger to the point that they needed to put pins in and she had to go on disability, so since that night I've been running the house.
I walk the dog, cook, clean, fill out forms and pay what bills that need checks or signatures (as my mom can't write with her left hand) all while going to school, and work. I guess the silver lining in all this is that I always knew I could run a house, but it's different now that I'm actually doing it. Sure I'm exhausted, but its a "proud of myself" kind of exhaustion, and by stepping up without being asked, I've seemed to have earned another level of my mothers respect.

Then finally the thing that has me the most stressed. The thing that has kept me up at night and edgy is whats been going on with my uncle.
My uncle has a tumor growing behind his ear, right over his limp-nodes, and we found out it's lymphoma. He's had it for months, and since he doesn't have insurance, he goes to a clinic which means it takes forever to get anything done. He had a biopsy done but when the results came back inconclusive, they decided he had to have a surgical biopsy done. 
The week after my birthday is when they scheduled his surgery, and even though I went straight from my night class to catch a 10pm train out to NJ so I could go with him to the hospital, he didn't want me there.
He made some excuses about how I needed to stay home with the dog, and when I tried to tell him the dog would be fine he got mad. So even though it broke my heart I stayed at the house because this wasn't about me and all I wanted was for him to be ok, one way or the other.
So I sat in my aunts house hurt and worried. Jumping at every phone call while wallowing in self pity, but still my mind understood why he didn't want me there. He was scared, and he didn't want anyone, let alone me, to see him like that. I understood because the same thing happened when his Mom my Grandma passed away. His way of dealing with something he's afraid of, something he can't control or runaway from is to lash out, especially at those closest to him.
I dealt with my pain for weeks, and he continued to push people away, until my Mom stepped in and had a talk with him about it.
This wasn't something to handle alone, especially not when he has so many people who love him and are there to help. Even the doctor told him not to deal with this alone. That when your dealing with something like cancer it's important to have people around you to help you, because it's so overwhelming on your own you could forget things, or even not show up for treatment.
When he saw what he was doing, things changed. Not only did he welcome Moms help he wanted me around too. And when I didn't understand why my mother told me that if he had to have anyone around he wanted me because I was one of the few people he felt safe with and could talk to.
As you can imagine, that made me cry because this man is one of the most important people in my life. When my father wasn't around he was there, taking me to class, picking me up from ballet or swimming, teaching me how to hit a ball or do a proper sleeper hold. He's the man I compare other men to. He's my Dad/older annoying brother. 
So I put away past pain, prepared for any future ugliness, and dove in.
Since then we found out about what type of lymphoma it is, and how its not curable, but because it's in its early stages and hasn't spread it can be treated. That he has to undergo radiation but not chemo and with any  luck once the cancer is treated it shouldn't make another appearance for a few years.

In a nut shell....no matter what happens, no matter how much stress I have to endure, no matter how broken, or beaten I sometimes feel, not matter how fat my ass gets, one thing I can swear...
If he or anyone else in my family needs me I'll be there, because I wouldn't have all that I have, or been able to deal with the shit the fates have put in my way without them...
I will keep fighting...for them and for me...

Always and forever...