Why does life have to be so difficult?
1. Why is it when your nice to a guy, he immediately takes it as code for "I Wanna Fuck You"?
No!! That is NOT what it means!!!
2. Is it possible to fall for someone because of the way they write?
3. How its it I'm gonna be 30 and I can still feel like a fucking 16 year old with a crush?
I mean what the HELL people!!!
This is just a snippet of the crap going through my head right now....lol
Let's deal with #1 first...
I couldn't start this school semester quiet could I...
I have to deal with this shit right away...
I would like to just go to class and be friendly without someone thinking it means I want them, without having to worry about looking too nice because I might attract too much attention.
It's a classroom, not a fucking bar!
God...I even hate the way this shit sounds coincided...lol
I gave you my number because you said you have info that could help me with a problem. Not so you can text me to ask me what's up. And if my response is I'm busy, again trying to be nice, that should be a clue I don't wasn't to talk, and that definitely doesn't mean you can ask me "where I'm going" like you know me.
Forgive me for going ghetto but "You don't Know ME!"...lol
What do I have to do, tattoo "No I DON'T want to fuck you" across my forehead for you to get a clue?
Or maybe if I don't bathe for a few weeks, and come to class smelling like ASS, I'll finally be left alone.
But then again, with my luck, that would probably just attract the real twisted ones...lol
I don't know why this rant feels so familiar...lol
Now on to #2...
As you can see, when I write I have a certain flow and cadence to the way I say things. I like to write the way I think, and for the most part, the way I speak when I get to know you.
When I write I find the purest form of the real me and maybe that's why I've taken to writing so much. Much of my insecurities and fears I can put aside when I write, which I think is true for most people. My head is clear, and if it isn't, I can alway come back when it is, but in that lies the problem, especially when you enter the realm of online dating.
Most online dating happens through emails or text messages, my perfect medium. But when it comes to meeting face to face, the person you meet isn't going to be right away the dynamic person that you talked to in the emails. I'm still awkward and shy at first when you meet me face to face.
Granted I'm soo much better then I used to be, now that I use humor to break the tension, but I still feel the awkwardness and anxiety that makes me less them quick on my feet. Because of this, I had one relationship feel weird because the guy didn't understand that he had to give me some time to get comfortable with him first before that side of me came out in person.
He fell fast for the woman in the emails, and had no patience for the woman before him. Funny thing was, he wasn't exactly the same in person as he had been in his emails either, but who ever is.
I never say anything in writing that I'm not willing to do in reality (except when I write fiction...obviously), it just takes a bit longer for it to come out.
But if your willing to be patient, you'll find I'm all the woman I am when I write, and more...lol...:-)
Finally crazy thought #3...
This one is driving me nuts!
Just when I begin to feel all adult and confident in my ability to handle men, here comes that stupid anxiety madness I had as a teenager whenever I had feelings for someone.
You know what I'm talking about, the feelings of when you like someone but you don't think they like you the same way, but you can't help it, and you over think every single thing you did or said or want to do with him/her.
The kind of madness that permeates your thoughts at inopportune times, makes you connect almost every song you hear to that person, and no matter how much you know you should move on and let go, you can't seem to...
Yep... I fucking hate that shit!
Makes me feel like a fucking crazy person...
This particular thorn in my paw is someone who reads my blog so I can't go into too many details, except to say he has a girlfriend which makes me feel even worse for feeling the way I do.
I've never been ok with going after someone who is with someone else, even if it isn't that serious, because I believe in karma and common sense.
Twice in my inexperienced past I was stupid, lied to myself, and started down that path, but luckily both times it blew up in my face before anything bad happened, so if that isn't a sign from the "powers that be" trying to save my karmic spirit, I don't know what is.
Now that I'm older and wiser, I know I won't be lead astray again, but I can't help the evil thoughts that cross my mind.
I know that if it's ment to be, it will be...
So close yet so far....oh fucking hell!!!!
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