I feel hollow...yet one of my major lines was crossed...
I can handle a lot of abuse and forgive a lot of things toward me but somethings are sacred.
I thought I would fume or cry, rage or sob, but instead I felt sad for him at first, then numb. When he hung up on me the normal tears fell but then something happened.
Something turned off.
I can still laugh, I seem rather normal, and nobody would know that a major part of my life just ended...at least no one but the one who knows me best, and even I don't fully know because part of me still doesn't believe it happened (did that sentence make any sense...lol). The words haven't officially been said, but it seems the writing is on the Facebook friendship walls.
I'm not surprised it went the way it did, he told me it would, and we create our reality.
Maybe we happened too soon...I saw the clues, the signs, the patterns of behavior.
Happiness, followed by over analyzed distance, then the "aggressive interrogation" that would send me into defensive mode. The longer and happier the moments and the more pronounced his happiness, the longer the distance, and the more aggressive the interrogation even as I was getting better at dealing with it, but my learning curve wasn't as quick as his progress.
I thought he would listen when I told him why, I thought he would care. I thought he would try for me the way I was trying for him.
Maybe I feel numb because I have so many things going on, my emotions being pulled in soo many different directions and somehow this overloaded my circuit breaker and flipped my robot switch.
I know I'll feel it...the loss...I can feel the faint whispers of it now, a promise of future pain.
Its only a matter of time as he pulls further and further away and I feel the deep burning tear growing deeper across my heart.
The first man I ever loved and probably always will....
(when I saw the picture above it made me laugh. It's soo something he would say in a humorous way lol)
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