UPDATE! I Did the ONE Thing a Women Should NOT Do if Trying to Get Over an Ex...

So this week has started off like shit... but first let me back track a bit...

I was supposed to see my old ex cause he had a gift for me. That hasn't happened and I doubt it will happen anytime soon. We talk sporadically via email but that's about it.
I thought I was ready to move on romantically, but I'm not.
I'm in that limbo place where I can't go back but I'm not ready to move forward. Just thinking about going on a date makes me panicky. I can't even talk to a guy without feeling guilty, and when I do I get mad at myself because why the hell should I feel guilty, he walked away not me. I'm single now so I shouldn't feel obligated to someone who doesn't want me, who wouldn't fight to make it work...
Ok...drifted a bit...lol

I had my BIG interview on Monday and spent all weekend preparing for it. Thanks to some asshole on the subway knocking my papers from my hands, and my nerves, I screwed up and have to reschedule my interview.
I had to show up with two forms of identification. A government issued ID, my Social Security Card, as well as my original diploma and another copy of my resume. When I got to the interview I could't find my SS Card and they wouldn't let me interview without it. I couldn't believe I screwed up and forgot my SS Card. I felt like such an idiot. A weekend of prep, getting all dressed up and heading downtown, only to have to come back like some looser with my tail between my legs. Then when I got home, I emptied my folder only to find my SS Card stuck to the inside lip of the folder.
It was like a punch to my gut.
I just keep seeing that woman's face who told me I had to leave, that I had to call back at the end of the month to reschedule, that look of pity.
I know it's my pride that's hurting, my ego, but I don't know how to make the pain stop.

Oh and to top it all off I did something Royally STUPID.
I was trying to remember what kind of car my ex drove, so I decided to see if I could find the picture he emailed me two years ago.
What did I do that for....
I ended up skimming through all our old emails, when he was so excited to talk to me he'd email me multiple times a day at all hours, so fast I couldn't keep up, and then I came across our first few emails.
I couldn't help myself, I read them...
The first time we talked about our personal lives, our first picture exchanges (G rated), and the worse one was him spontaneously asking me out for the first time.
How nervous he was to ask, and I remembered how nervous I was to accept. How last min it was, and how I decided that I liked him enough to be spontaneous too.
GOD why did I read that shit!!!!
I think I was already in a depressed place and just unconsciously decided to make it worse...
Misery loves company....fuck fuck FUCK!!

But if you know me you know I wont allow myself to feel this way for long.
If anything, feeling sad actually make me mad because I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now. School is starting Friday and I'm finally doing what I was always afraid of doing before...
I'm FINALLY living my life... and I'm not gonna let a little bump in the road fucking defeat me!
SHIT!!

(AMAZING! Photo above directly linked from Photobucket and dcvsqueen)

(I would totally get that tattoo!!!)