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These classes have put me in a situation I've never been in before.
I'm actually popular...
Yea...go figure...that little old me...who bucks traditional views, living a predominantly anti-social lifestyle, is now one of the popular kids in class...lol
When did hell freeze over?
Granted, I know that this has happened mostly because I'm an attractive woman in a program that's predominantly full of Men, and men are led by there dicks (sorry guys), so when the pickings are slim, you go for what you can get. But when you think about it, that's no different then any school. The popular girls are usually the ones that the guys want to fuck, so I'm under no misconceptions as to why I'm getting this attention and what the ultimate goal of most of these guys are. I understood it long before I even thought of taking these classes, since it's one of the main reasons I stayed fat.
(...Fat was safe, fat helped me blend in to the background, fat made me invisible, at least somewhat. Now that the weight is coming off, I feel like I've been put under a spotlight, and the more weight I loose, the brighter the light gets...)
But getting back to my point, what I realized is that it's not just happening because of the way I look, but because of who I am....
These guys are actually attracted to the fact that I'm "different"!
That I'm not the diva, full of drama, or someone's baby mama...lol...but smart, single, and unique. They like the confidence I have in myself and I find that funny because I only started to find that within myself recently.
When did guys start liking girls like me?
What...are the short and heavy nerdy girls who dress conservatively, with chipped nail polish, and little to no makeup, in style now?
I mean I got hit on first day of class, and it has yet to stop.
These guys are actually cock blocking one another just to talk to me...and I have to be honest... it's flattering, but it's also incredibly uncomfortable, odd, and nerve racking.
One guy who I nicknamed "Gumby" (don't ask me why...can't remember...lol) actually asked me out. But instead of just saying I wasn't interested (which is what I should have done), I told him I had a boyfriend.
I mean...he's a nice guy and all, but we had nothing in common, and from our one way conversations I could tell he had no real interest me or anything I was interested in.
He would meet me after almost every class and was one of those people who talk at you rather then to you. The kind of guy who wants to "hook you up" with all kinds of stuff, and wants you to know just how knowledgeable they are about everything, but with time show how little they really know. I realized later after listening to him that he was a lot like one of my Ex's... a little too much like him actually.
Needless to say, since that moment Gumby's been distant...which is fine. I guess since I ain't giving it up to him, he ain't interested anymore, but I already knew he was only interested in one thing, so I'm not all broken up about it. But the moment he took off, another one took his place and it's this guy I'm having a dilemma with...because against my better judgment I'm beginning to like him.
At the beginning I noticed him because he was Dominican and there was a joke going around about how many of them we had in class, but after that I didn't pay much attention.
Then I had to work with him in a group. He took charge but was confused, moved too fast, and didn't listen to the directions. So I actually had to take charge of the group...yep little quite shy me had to take charge, which I hate doing because I hate the spotlight. But surprisingly he was gracious and allowed me to take the reins when he realized he misunderstood the assignment....which I didn't expect. So my first impression of him was full of confused frustration.
The turning point for me came when I decided to wear my new Thundercat tee a friend bought me at Comic Con. After class he noticed it and asked me if I knew the symbol or if I was just wearing it as a popular "fashion thing". Offended that anyone would think that of me, I proudly shared my knowledge of the show and where I had gotten the tee.
You would have thought I had dropped a bomb on his head. He looked at me as if he were meeting a human unicorn and told me, with a big smile on his face, that we so needed to talk. After that he wouldn't let me out of his sight and we talked...a lot. I was the first girl he had ever met who liked the things he did (so I nicknamed him Geekano) and with every new revelation, he just grew happier. To my surprise it was contagious and I found myself smiling and laughing with him. Everything I told him about myself seemed to blow his mind. He was intrigued by me and I was intrigued by him, fully enjoying every moment, so when he asked for my number I only hesitated for a second.
He has yet to call me, but since that day if he comes to class, he always finds me, and after class he never fails to wait for me so we can talk as we leave campus.
It wasn't until the other day that I saw it becoming a problem.
While in class I actually got a little jealous when he left me to talk to another female classmate who he was friendly with.
I mean...what the Hell is that!!
What is wrong with me? and when did I become the possessive type?
So I took a good look at myself, at my behavior, and realized a few things.
I think about him way too much and actually look forward to going to class so I can talk to him again.
When the hell did that happen?
I've only starting talking to this guy about two weeks ago... and I don't know if my feelings are related to the fact that he makes me feel beautiful and special, or if there's something more to it, something more that's drawing us together. I know part of me is still hung up on my ex. I care about him so much it hurts inside, but he's doing what he needs to do for him. Shouldn't I be doing the same?
I don't know...about any of this. I don't have any answers. I don't know what I'm gonna do or even if I want to do it.
What I do know is that though I've decided to live my life in the moment, nothing is going to keep me from continuing along my path.
My goals haven't changed, nor has my focus. I will enjoy each day as it comes, each moment I'm given. I will embrace those who help me, guide me, and inspire me, but I wont let anyone distract me from my goals.
No matter how intriguing they are....
(Photos provided by Photobucket...and are directly linked)
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