The Happiest and Saddest I've Ever Been...

I'm gonna talk about some stuff that is hard...not gonna get into many details because it isn't just my story to tell and because like any new wound, it's still raw and bleeding....

So the Ex wanted me back, and because I loved him we started talking again.
My inner voice kept telling me not to do it, things had been going so well for me and I was finally getting over him, but another voice entered my head, the voice of doubt.

What if my instinct to not get back with him was nothing but my fear?
What if I missed out on being happy because I was afraid to trust him again?
What if my issues with my father were keeping me from giving him the second chance he deserves?

I was full of what if's and what was supposed to be our last conversation, became the beginning of our renewed relationship when he said four little words "I love you too".
I knew if I didn't give it another shot I'd regret it, because I loved him and I believed he loved me. Granted right away he backed out of that "I love you too" repeatedly, saying he wasn't in love with me yet but was sure on his way. I would laugh but my inner voice shuddered with every denial. Yet love can make you delusional, and I lied to myself choosing to believe that he loved me, but was just too scared to own it.
Being with him again was bliss, but I couldn't shake my doubt of him. So I decided to take things slow. Slower even then the last time, to truly give me time to trust him again.

But I had one condition... if he hurt me the way he did when he left, if he made me feel like I was less then, like I was inadequate, and if being with him took me off my path, I would end it.

Well you can guess what happened, because we are no longer together.
I've come too far to have anyone make me feel like shit. To make me hate myself so much that I wanted to die and could barely function. To make me hate the world for filling his head with this desire of unattainable perfection and then making me so imperfect. To make me fall in love with a man who couldn't just love me for who I am now...because during this pain I also had to face the truth, that he really didn't love me, and probably never would, not truly anyway. Because when I love, I love with my whole heart, and I deserve the same in return...

Granted...he denies it now. Tried to tell me I was wrong, making excuses for his behavior based on something that had been dealt with, and when I told him I was leaving he even called me names.
But at the beginning, when I first confronted him, his lack of outright denial was as bold a confirmation as a thunder clap....

Don't know why this song seems to ring true right now...but it does, for both me and him....

Muse - Hoodoo