Monday, February 27, 2012

30 and in College: Walking the Writers Gauntlet...

So College is in full swing and I am pooped to say the least...
I had my first traumatizing encounter with ignorancriticism in my English class over a piece I wrote about mothers. I based my piece on the Makepeace Thackeray quote:
"Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children."
Granted, I knew the quote because of the movie "The Crow" but it stayed with me and I felt it was a good jumping off point to describe what motherhood means to me...


Oh why did I do that!!


I know that even mentioning the word God in any public place is a dangerous thing because people don't hear past the word, but I didn't expect it to be that bad...
Instead of my classmates hearing the point of what I wrote they heard that I was saying mothers are like God, or are God, and before I knew it, every person commenting on my piece was using the word offended either because they were spiritual or because they don't believe in God. Even one person said something about that she was offended because "what about women who get raped...." which I don't even know where that came from.

Only one person got the point of my 30 min essay, and understood that what I was expressing was the sentiment of the quote. That the way a baby feels or sees their mother is similar to the way some people feel about their God, and that to be a mother is a great responsibility.
Later after the shock of that shit storm passed (took a few days) I was able to laugh at it. 

I finally had me a true writers moment. To be a writer is to express yourself, open your heart, and risk getting it trampled on for the sake of your art.


I walked the gauntlet of the writer.


But it wasn't until I had go back to that class and read another essay out loud (I was so nervous I wanted to puke) that I knew I was going to be ok. 
Ironically enough one of the topics our teacher gave us that day was terror. So I wrote about my issues with stage fright, the very thing I was coping with in that moment. 
I described terror and how it wasn't anything like fear, which it is confused with so often in our society. I told of my first experience with stage fright, describing in first person detail what I went through. But this time after I finished reading my piece to the class, I got nothing but really positive comments and high praise. They loved it, they loved how I wrote, how I made them feel what I was going through, how clear I was, and some even said I should write novels because listening to my essay made them want to hear more.
It was like I had entered an alternate universe, a Bizarro world if you will. Within a week I went from being the shit on the bottom of everyone's shoe, to a writer worthy of publishing novels.


I wont lie...I left that classroom feeling high as a kite. But as I was leaving I checked myself. 
Man can be a fickle creature. We can love something one minuet and despise it the next. Just because they liked my latest piece doesn't mean they will love my future essays. I can fall from grace just as easily as I rose.

The way I see it is at least I now know that I can survive a painful shit storm of criticism and come out the other side swinging.


I am finally walking the true path of the writer... 


(Photo by gotitlikethat97 ,  Photobucket and is directly linked)

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Quick Vent About After Valentine's Blues...

So I had a pretty decent Valentine's Day, things went pretty smoothly and the thoughts I had of my ex (if not brought up in conversation) were less then I anticipated. Then like some celestial joke, I found a myself spending all day yesterday thinking about him...

Sure I had the internal yellathon with my mind to shut up about him, but nothing I did to distract myself worked. I found myself imagining him waiting for me after class in front of my school, looking at every parked motorcycle really hard to see weather it was his, double taking on every tan old school car I saw, or hoping he would be miraculously waiting for me when I got home. I kept seeing things and places that reminded me of him, for instance the places where we would park and listen to music for an hour (besides making out), the coffee shop where we went on our first date, or my stoop where we would talk for hours after he brought me home....and then I realized all these places are right by where I live and I can't get away from them. Almost like he pre-planned for most of our memories to take place in my neighborhood so if we broke up he wouldn't have to deal with them....I know a kinda fucked up thing to imagine, and I know he would't and probably couldn't think that far ahead, but I found it rather unfair that I have to be the one who is constantly reminded of a relationship that didn't work...

So now that I've vented about it I'm taking these thoughts and putting them to the side. I can't live in the past and I have a bright future ahead of me. There are plenty of fish in the sea, especially tall tattooed, bearded fish, and who knows where my next adventure in romance will lead.
I also will begin to focus on blogging about non ex stuff. I was reading my old blogs and I gotta get that flow back...
(Photo above is from an inspiration of mine Seth Casteel who takes amazing photos of animals.)
(Check out his web sight at littlefriendsphoto.com)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Happy V-Day or Happy Singles Awareness (or Appreciation) Day!!! And a Happy Surprise...:-)

Yes...Today is Valentine's Day...
Now normally I am not a fan of the day, except for the excellent sales on candy and my affinity for candy hearts which you can only find today. But I am a fan of Romance, I never found anything Romantic about a forced day of affection. So I was pleasantly surprised that this Valentine's Day actually went rather well.

I was dreading having to go to class, being surrounded by all those children being gooey and mushy with their sweet smelling perfumes, pink outfits, flowers, and balloons, when I rather do my norm which is chill in front of the TV watching the annual cheaters marathon on G4.
So I prepared for the onslaught by dressing in some of my favorite geek war wear and mentally prepared myself for the public affection and giggly bobble-headed females.
Instead what I got was the complete opposite.
From the moment I got on the train, I realized I was surrounded by my people. Hard working people who were just trying to get to their destination without drama, and for them, today was just like any other day.
It was actually rather surreal and I found myself scanning people looking for any hint of hidden Valentine's paraphernalia like any red or pink clothing, flowers, or gifts.
I found nothing.
In fact, some of the women looked as if they hadn't even bothered pulling themselves together to go out or for that matter hadn't bothered to shower, while the men were wearing beat-up casual clothing, or normal office attire. Funny enough, I think I had on the most makeup in my part of the train car, which for me consists of average nude eye makeup and a bit of lip gloss...lol

From that train ride on, the day went on like any other day.
Got to school, went to class, and left.
I noticed a few people with flowers or balloons in the halls, but they were so few and far between that it wasn't even an annoyance. It was as if almost everyone in school was like me and for once I was part of the majority....felt rather strange. In fact, the term Singles Awareness Day came from a classmate of mine who was wishing the whole class a Happy Singles Awareness Day. Until he uttered the term I didn't even know us single people had a holiday of our own to counteract Valentine's Day, so I Googled it.
On my way home I again saw the noticeable lack of Valentine's Days sticky love hemorrhage that would normally be everywhere and on everyone. No giggly bobble-headed clones, no idiots trying to fit 20 balloons on a crowded subway train, and no young couples pawing each other in public, making out full on french style for the world to see.

So the thing I was afraid of didn't happen. I got through the day without needing to shower away residual glitter or funky odors... Then as if to make my day end even better, as I was leaving my subway station, I was surprised by my mother and my big mush ball Baby Huey of a dog.
Seeing them waiting for me, my big dog pulling to get to me with his big fluffy tail wagging madly just made my night.
What a nice way to end my evening, being greeted by those I love the most.

Did I have a few bad moments?
Sure...it is Valentine's Day after all and I'm newly single after breaking up with the first man I ever loved, so memories are gonna pop up causing melancholy thoughts, but I pushed through them pretty well.

Then the final cherry on top of my day was finding out I can fit into a size 12 jeans again....
HOLY FUCK!!!
and I'm not talking about squeezing into them, but just putting them on. Sure I still had to do the butt tuck trick where you contract the butt muscles as you pull the jeans up (my big bootay is always gonna be an issue) but I hardly had to do that.
I guess even though I'm not exercising, all this running around is still burning those calories...

So this Valentine's Day went from anticipated horror, to any other boring day, and actually ended better then most days.  If this isn't proof of a higher power, I don't know what is....lmao!
 (Photo above of me wearing my favorite geek shirt and the beautiful prayer beads my cousin made.)

Sunday, February 5, 2012

30 and in COLLEGE: My First Full Week(worries)....plus other junk...

As I type this I am sitting in my aunts basement freezing my tits off, open schoolbooks, notebook, and laptop surrounding me, pen tucked behind my ear, highlighter clenched in my teeth, but I'm also using what little energy I have left not to kill my uncle who is currently singing karaoke Christian POP at the top of his lungs....

Needless to say, my somewhat noise-canceling earphones are in my ears utilizing a white noise app that I found which is currently flooding my eardrums with the soothing sound of rain and thunder, so at least I can getaway from the madness somewhat.

As you can imagine from the above, I'm a bit on edge...but it's not just because I'm trapped in an ironically cold HELL full of bad christian music, it's not because my cousin is once again being a selfish ungrateful douchebag and has disappeared with my aunts van uncaring of her need to use it today or our need to use it tonight to get home, nor is it because I'm having a pretty bad pain flare up and I'm on the rag, but because I'm exhausted after my first full week of school and scared I wont make it.

I didn't expect it to be easy, but after the first week, I wont lie, I'm fearful that I've gone over my head and that I'm doing too much. Everyday I have class, three days a week I have two classes back to back. Mostly general requirements, and 1 elective which is my Psychology class. The classes themselves aren't the problem as much as is the labor involved in lugging my heavy bag, back and forth everyday on the subway. I keep telling myself that in a month this trip back and forth will seem like nothing, but I can't help feeling that nagging doubt creep up my spine every time I come home and my body literally collapses in on itself. I know this flare up is a direct result of the stress I put my body through this week, and I'm afraid I'm going to set all my progress back because it's too much for my body to handle.
Plus, if my interview (which has been rescheduled for the 23rd of this month) goes well, I will have a job to go to on top of the other job assisting my uncle with his accounting job, both of which will fill up what remaining time I have left, and will require more lugging around of my heavy ass bag.
So to say the least I'm worried. I wanna believe I can do this, that I can handle it, but I can't help but feel like I might have bitten off more then I can chew.

Not much I can do about it except wait and see...for now I will try to enjoy Superbowl Weekend, cheer for my Giants, and do my best not to kill my uncle or my cousin...lol



(photo by Photobucket, zag7734 and is directly linked) 

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

UPDATE! I Did the ONE Thing a Women Should NOT Do if Trying to Get Over an Ex...

So this week has started off like shit... but first let me back track a bit...

I was supposed to see my old ex cause he had a gift for me. That hasn't happened and I doubt it will happen anytime soon. We talk sporadically via email but that's about it.
I thought I was ready to move on romantically, but I'm not.
I'm in that limbo place where I can't go back but I'm not ready to move forward. Just thinking about going on a date makes me panicky. I can't even talk to a guy without feeling guilty, and when I do I get mad at myself because why the hell should I feel guilty, he walked away not me. I'm single now so I shouldn't feel obligated to someone who doesn't want me, who wouldn't fight to make it work...
Ok...drifted a bit...lol

I had my BIG interview on Monday and spent all weekend preparing for it. Thanks to some asshole on the subway knocking my papers from my hands, and my nerves, I screwed up and have to reschedule my interview.
I had to show up with two forms of identification. A government issued ID, my Social Security Card, as well as my original diploma and another copy of my resume. When I got to the interview I could't find my SS Card and they wouldn't let me interview without it. I couldn't believe I screwed up and forgot my SS Card. I felt like such an idiot. A weekend of prep, getting all dressed up and heading downtown, only to have to come back like some looser with my tail between my legs. Then when I got home, I emptied my folder only to find my SS Card stuck to the inside lip of the folder.
It was like a punch to my gut.
I just keep seeing that woman's face who told me I had to leave, that I had to call back at the end of the month to reschedule, that look of pity.
I know it's my pride that's hurting, my ego, but I don't know how to make the pain stop.

Oh and to top it all off I did something Royally STUPID.
I was trying to remember what kind of car my ex drove, so I decided to see if I could find the picture he emailed me two years ago.
What did I do that for....
I ended up skimming through all our old emails, when he was so excited to talk to me he'd email me multiple times a day at all hours, so fast I couldn't keep up, and then I came across our first few emails.
I couldn't help myself, I read them...
The first time we talked about our personal lives, our first picture exchanges (G rated), and the worse one was him spontaneously asking me out for the first time.
How nervous he was to ask, and I remembered how nervous I was to accept. How last min it was, and how I decided that I liked him enough to be spontaneous too.
GOD why did I read that shit!!!!
I think I was already in a depressed place and just unconsciously decided to make it worse...
Misery loves company....fuck fuck FUCK!!

But if you know me you know I wont allow myself to feel this way for long.
If anything, feeling sad actually make me mad because I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now. School is starting Friday and I'm finally doing what I was always afraid of doing before...
I'm FINALLY living my life... and I'm not gonna let a little bump in the road fucking defeat me!
SHIT!!

(AMAZING! Photo above directly linked from Photobucket and dcvsqueen)
(I would totally get that tattoo!!!)

Monday, January 16, 2012

Yea..Yea...its Another Blog about the Damn Breakup....

You ever have one of those moments where you hear a song that you've heard a billion times but for whatever reason, now it hits a chord. This time it makes sense, and it brings back a flood of memories you didn't need nor want to remember.
Well that's what happened to me with the song Glycerine by Bush.
It made me think of happier times, sitting in the car with the ex, listening to his vast collection of music that he couldn't wait to share with me. Of his smile as he would lean back driving with one hand on the steering wheel.
Fucking Hell!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

January 2012...New Start...and BIG UPCOMING CHANGES!!!

Ok I've been soo busy I don't even know where to begin....
Let me start off to say this is not a blog about my love life. I currently don't have one and I'm actually fine with that. So many good things are happening that wallowing in self pity or looking for some guy to fill the void left by the Ex isn't really important now...

So where to begin...how about at the beginning....;-)

Being unemployed and without many connection, I had asked my mother back in November to keep an ear out for any mention of jobs where she works at the hospital. Then one day she tells me how at the union meeting they talked about how people don't seem to understand what is appropriate for the workplace anymore. The union leader discussed how they've had tons of people coming in to work and coming to interviews 45mins late in jeans and flip flops. When she told me what he said and the stories he told, I couldn't believe how so many people could be so unprofessional. So many people, people like me, need jobs and yet you have these people who just don't care. It boggles the mind.
Well she told me she spoke to the union head about me and my need for a job and he told her that she should get him my resume. That he would make sure it gets to the top of the list back at human resources since he knew that any kid of hers would be a hard worker. So jumping at the opportunity I fine tuned my resume, printed it, and gave it to her the very next day.
Well the holidays came and went, with no call from the hospital or the union for me to come in for an interview. I just figured I didn't have enough experience or education to be considered and forgot about. Then a few days after new years, as I was preparing for the madness of my upcoming college experience, I get a call from the union telling me I have an interview for the 23rd. The woman told me what I needed to bring, where I needed to go, what time, that I will be taking a typing test, and even to dress for an interview (like I needed telling).
I was in shock. I literary screamed after I hung up the phone.
Sure I may not land the job, but I got the interview!!!
Just getting an interview is so hard now a days...and who knows...maybe just showing up in slacks and a blazer will be enough to make them give me a chance...lol

The other big thing that's been going on has been college.
I got all my paperwork in to clear me for registration and all I was missing was orientation and advisement.
I was finally sent an invitation to what they call a New Student Assembly on the 11th which is a orentation ceremony to welcome new students to the school. So with some anxiety I pulled myself together, went and it was badly charming.
We were greeted as we entered the doorway by uncomfortable students yelling
"WELCOME! TO BMCC!!
START HERE GO ANYWHERE!"
while handing out plastic welcome bags. I couldn't help but smile at the embarrassed student standing in front who was in charge of yelling Welcome as he handed me my bag. As we entered the theater, there was a band playing on the right hand side of the stage, blasting there pop-fusion music more at us more then in greeting, and of course I was sitting right in front of them. I felt like I was in that movie "10 Things I Hate About You" except the music was worse.
So we sat there watching the band while we went through our college goody bags, where we each recieved a program, a student handbook, a pen, a weird triangle shaped highlighter, as well as information on the "Freshman Year Experience: Lunch, Advisement, and Registration" that was to follow in the next two days depending on our major. After being auditorily attacked by the band we were introduced to our President, our Vice President, and my new favorite, our Vice President of Student Affairs Dr. Marva Craig. Former graduate from BMCC, she went to Hunter for her Bachelors, NYU for her Masters, then she got her Doctorate in Education from Teachers College and Columbia University. She is a walking talking success story and she was great, funny, a no bull kinda lady, and she knew her shit!
We then had to sit through a very uncomfortably bad dance performance, more talking, a great poem reading, and finally a song sung by a former graduate that was fantastically done, before we were broken into smaller groups based on our major to find out more about what we planed on studying.
It was here that I decided my major which I will discuss later...;-)

So the next day I woke up a 5am and went to the FYE (Freshman Year Experience) where we were locked in the theater for 4 hours worth of a lectures on what it means to be a student, what we need to know, and our responsibility's as students.
Boy! By the end of it my ass was really numb, so when they finally released us for lunch and advisement handing us flash drives and little paper lunch bags, I was grateful. That was before I realized at what speed the rest of this "Experience"was about to take place.

I had just barely had gotten to my table when an adviser was at my side asking me questions and telling me which classes I would need to take. Next thing I knew they were calling everyone who had been advised (which was me) to head to registration. So now I'm following a line of students, coat, advisement sheet, and paper lunch bag clutched to my chest, praying I had everything still with me, while heading up escalators, and trooping through the halls of the school only to end up in the computer lab where we were to register online.
I was shown to a computer, where I finally got to dump my stuff only to find out that I couldn't register yet because I hadn't been cleared through the system (no shit!). Their way of fixing the issue was to assign me to a staff member at another computer who would "backdoor" register me. So now I had to grab all my stuff again and head over to him, where he quickly went through my classes asking me what times, and I could barely focus on what he was saying before he was sending me to the printer where my completed schedule was being printed. The staff member at the printer hands me my completed registration explaining my balance and that I would have to go to the Bursar Office to finalize my bill. I asked if I could do that online, and when she said yes, I grabbed my things, thanked her and got the fuck out of there.
I knew the classes were correct but not the times. I just prayed that when I got home, the registration issue would be fixed. That way with any luck I could calmly correct my classes and finalize my bill. The only issue left to deal with was the issue of my major.

They kept telling us that if our major was wrong or if we weren't sure what major we wanted, it wasn't a problem. But I knew better then to take that risk and had made the decision to head back to the school the next day to properly talk to an academic adviser.
When I had originally sent in my application to CUNY I didn't know what I wanted to major in, except that I knew it was going to be in the health field, so I listed my major as Undeclared Health (Nursing). Later, after I decided to go to BMCC, I decided to Major in Science because of the letter I got from Hunter College. They stated that if I got an Associate's in Science and maintained a GPA of 2.5 I was guaranteed admission to their school. Considering my goal is to become a Lab Technologist, Hunter is the way to go. So I knew I would have to change my major since Nursing would only get me an Associate in Applied Science.
During orientation when we split up into smaller groups based on Major, I went with the Science group and it was there I found out that BMCC offers the major of Biotechnology Science. It falls under the umbrella of the Science department, would gain me an AS in Science and when the professor explained that it was more geared for people interested in lab work, it was as if everything clicked into place. I knew it wouldn't be easy, very heavy on science and math, but if this is what I really wanted to do then this was my future major.


So the day after I officially registered for classes, I went to the school and followed the long process of changing my major. As it turned out I'm glad I did because the adviser showed me that one of the classes I was taking wasn't right for my new major, so after I officially changed my major I went home and changed the class. The change even made my schedule more time efficient, and now I have the time I need to work part time if I do get this job with the hospital.


On top of all of this, it seems like even if I don't get the job at the hospital, I will have a part-time job.
While all of this was taking place, I was calculating my college expenses with excel spreadsheets, and when my uncle (who is an accountant) heard I knew Excel and even enjoyed working with it, he wants me to work with him part time as his assistant. Even my father joked on hiring me when he heard I enjoy Excel...LOL!


So to sum up....
I got a job interview with the hospital coming up.
I am now "Officially" a Biotechnology Science Major at Borough of Manhattan Community College.
and finally
I got a guaranteed par-time job with my uncle...all cause I'm a Geek and like Excel...lol

If this month is any indication what 2012 will bring...
BRING IT ON BABY!!!!....LMAO!!

 (photo above of John Belushi from the movie Animal House found using Google)