This is a Blog for a few of my ASSHOLE Prospective Suitors....

I am as of this moment sitting in my living room, unable to sleep worried about if tomorrow I find out that my uncle, who is like my father, has lymphoma...so I'm not in a writing kind of mood...but this is something that's been bothering me and I have to get it off my chest before I go off on someone...
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I don't know if the guys who are interested in me even read my blog and frankly I don't really care. I am tired of feeling like a wounded animal surrounded by jackals waiting for me to die!
If I tell you I just got out of a relationship, with the only man I've ever loved, and that I need time, why would you push it??

It's been about 3 months since my breakup...
I don't know if this tactic has worked on women in the past, or if you think because I'm wounded that I'm weak and an easy fuck, but all that does is piss me the FUCK Off!!
If I say I need time, guess what that means, that I fucking need time!!
I don't need anyone telling me that I have to get over it, I'll get over it when I'm fucking ready to and not before!!
And where the FUCK do you get the balls to TELL ME that I need to get over it already because
"he didn't love you.."
HOLY SHIT!! ARE YOUR FUCKING KIDDING ME??
How in Gods name do you even let that come out of your mouth??
You don't think I know that!!
You don't think that's the main reason I finally decided to break up with him!!
How Dare YOU!!!!

I really don't understand men anymore...
When I say I need time, I NEED TIME...
It's not rocket science people...I don't say one thing and mean another...I'm pretty straight forward about things when I'm able to talk about it...
So if I say I need time, then either you be a friend and give me that time or walk the fuck away...
If and when I'm ready to pursue a relationship with you, I'll let you know...
If your still single then great, if not, so be it...but I'm not gonna rush into something like some fucking insecure bimbo who can't stand on her own two feet for more then five minuets.

I've been single before and it's no skin off my noes...
Sure I have a libido to rival any man, but guess what, technology is a wonderful thing....

Fucking ASSHOLES!!!

I Can't Believe I Forgot to Write About My Tattoos!!!!!

Yep...I got me some tattoos!!!
By no means my first tattoos, but definitely the most significant since the very first one I got when I turned 18.

Not only are they my first truly visible tattoos (my others are on my back), what they represent is a new stage in my life that I've worked so hard to get to but never believed I would actually achieve. They represent getting my life back on track, getting back to school, getting into college, and completing my very first semester.

They are wolf paws (actual sized) with a scene of a tee-pee and fire under a full moon and dusk sky within one, and a wolf eye looking through the paw print back out at you, in the other...

Now I know what some of you are gonna say about tattoos...
That here's just another woman ruining her future by marking herself up like some common floozy, limiting her choices of employment, and even limiting her pool of potential mates. That just like everyone else she picks some random "symbol" to represent some meaning that no one but her will understand, so they will seem confusing to everyone else. That I'll look horrible when I'm old and my tattoos are all warped and saggy...yea...yea...heard them all....
But unlike a lot of these people out here who are getting tattoos because they are following a growing fad, I've loved tattoos since I was old enough to form vowels. The idea of wearing someones artwork as a part of you forever I always found fascinating and beautiful. The fact that it's reminiscent and originated from of ancient tribal practices that used them to mark important times in a persons life appealed to me most of all. That's why each tattoo I have I got during an important time in my life. Each one is a way of remembering an important time in my life, an important step in my journey, and by setting a reminder within my skin, I never forget it or the pain that it took to get me there.

These kick ass tattoos were done by an equally kick ass artist by the name of Alex Sherker, who lives on Wizard Mountain...;-)
An old acquaintances from when I was a teenager and going to native ceremony's. He's a big guy who probably could break me like a twig, and has probably broken others, but was nothing but a sweet gentlemen with a twisted and warped sense of humor (so u know he's my people).
He's basically a tall bearded wizard who welds a tattoo wand, a funny ass dude and a great guy. Plus if your lucky, he'll introduce you to his second in command Genkie (hope I spelled that right), his beautiful dingo mix.
Right now he's doing private tattoos out of his studio in New York but because his web sight is currently down, the best way to contact him is on Facebook.

The weirdest part is I found him by mistake. I was looking for a good tattoo studio in Manhattan, close to school and discovered a shop called  East Side Ink...While looking through their porfolio, the high level of skill that these guys possessed actually made me giddy with excitement, but then I saw a familar face. I couldn't place it at first until I saw some old pictures my teacher had up on her Facebook page and realized I met the dude years ago when I was in high school. It was then I knew this was the guy who was gonna do my tattoo. It was way too coincidental. So I started up communication, found out he was just as cool as I remembered and got the ball rolling.

It took 3 1/2 - 4 hours (can't quite remember since I was high on endorphin's by the end of it...lol), with a 5 min break between each arm. Probably should have done each arm in separate sessions, but between wanting to be a bad ass, needing to get the pain over with so I wouldn't pussy out, and anxiously wanting to see it all finished, I pushed through.

Some people though excited about me getting my tattoos at first had a bit of a reverse reaction once they finally saw how big they were and where they were placed. My aunts who loved the idea of me getting ink all of a sudden seemed shocked and worried that they were too big and would be too visible, but eventually got over it and became positive again.
Then my uncles, who I expected a strong negative reaction from because of how they had reacted when I had revealed my first couple tattoos, seemed to handle it better then their sisters.
My mom of course was solid and unchanging with her enthusiasm. Not only accompanying me when I got the tattoos, but was chomping at the bit to help me plan my next one.
But I began to realized my family weren't the only ones reacting to my new tattoos.

I was now getting side glances on the train as well as funny looks while walking down the street. But this, unlike my families reaction, I found rather humorous.
So I began fucking around with people on my train rides to class. I would make sure I left the house looking very cute and sweet, but making sure my tattoos were covered. Then when I got on the train, nice and comfortably seated, I'd raise my sleeves and watch the fireworks of popping eyelids and double takes.
It's like smorgasbord of expressions, my favorite being confusion...lol

So yes...I got me a pair of bold tattoos...the first ones I don't need a mirror and gymnastic flexibility to look at and I'm super happy with them. I've already started to forget they're even there and am already thinking about my next one...
The only thing is I have yet to tell my father...because I know he's NOT gonna react well and because I'm a chicken shit...
I might be able to sit through almost constant pain like a bad ass but I'm still a chicken on some things....

Well....at least I'm an honest chicken...lmao!

30 and in College: Finals, Broken Limbs, and GPAs...

So much has happened I don't know where to begin…

This bittersweet month started off with me in a funk over the breakup, had me smiling and feeling like I got a bit of myself back by the end of the week, only to emotionally crash land after a scare on Mothers Day, all the while I had finals to deal with as well as family heath scares that were on my mind.

It started when I had my last English class before the our final.
He gave us the normal three subjects to write about, except this time all three subjects were questions on the two articles we had to read for our final essay.

Kind of a practice run.

So I picked the one I felt most passionate about and got to writing.
It just flowed out of me, paragraph after paragraph, and before I knew it, I had written much more then the needed 500 words, with enough time to go over my work.
And of course we had to read what we had written out loud. Now normally I'm a "closer" or the one the teacher calls on at the end of class to end things on a high note, since my classmates seem to  like what I write so much. But today the teacher decided to throw me a curve ball and called on me first.
Time stood still as I read out loud the words that moments ago were just puffs of smoke in my mind. and when I was done, I heard something I've never heard before...applause.
Some of my classmates actually applauded, while others laughed appreciatively and smiled at me. In a strange way, this acceptance and appreciation of my writing was worse then when they couldn't understand the meaning of my work and judged me so harshly. I didn't know what to do with it except laugh too, even though I had an overwhelming urge to hide my head beneath my desk.
After that things went well...

I had my finals to distract me from the pain of having to say goodbye to someone loved but who wasn't good for me, and that Thursday I went into my Math final feeling pretty confident.
But then came Mothers Day...

It started out great...
Spent the day with my aunt, uncle, and Mom just relaxing. We got mani pedis, my uncle cooked dinner, we enjoyed each others company and went home very happy. Once home Mom and I took the dog out for his evening walk.
As our Max was peeing a waterfalls worth of urine on the tree in front of our building, a woman came up the block with her two sheep dogs leading. Now if you know dogs you know if they're leading, your not in control of them, and this woman saw us standing there, but kept approaching. Well all it took was one aggressive bark and lunge from one of her dogs to set Max off and he went after him, sending my mother, who was standing on the tree roots, flying forward then slamming face first onto the concrete. I saw her fall and wanted to go to her first, but my priority became Max who was now about to get into a dog fight with bad odds, two against one. So worried about my Mom and not even thinking about the dumb woman and her dogs, I jumped in the fight, grabbed my dog by his jowls, and commanded him to stop. It was as if my voice snapped him back to reality, cause he stopped immediately. I then took him and ran back to my mom who was now standing up but holding her right wrist at a strange angle. I asked her if she was ok, and she uttered something she's never said to me in all the years I've known her, she said No.

This is a woman who knows pain the way one would know a long time lover, so for her to tell me she was not ok, I knew we were going to the ER.
But the dog still had to be walked, and I couldn't argue with her about it, so I gave her the keys, took the dog around the corner to poop, then literally ran home. My legs moving faster as fearful thoughts of her passed out in the apartment with me unable to get in, flooded my brain. But she was as fine as one can be in this situation and was able to buzz me in.

I got her to the hospital fairly quickly considering, and thanks to the fact that we got there before the shift change, and that shes an employee, we were fast-tracked through the ER.
3 hours, 2 x-rays, and some dumb ass questions later (like the x-ray tech asking which arm was broken, when she was standing there holding up her right arm that was wrapped in a rather large and obvious splint), my aunt showed up, and I was promptly sent home against my will because I had my English final the very next day. I knew I wasn't going to sleep, and though they got home by 1:30am, I didn't actually fall asleep till 3am.

My aunt (who is a saint) stayed with us so that I could go to class the next day without worrying about Mom being alone.

Ha!...

Though the gesture was appreciated there was no way I wasn't going to worry, and things began to turn around when I found out that morning I got a 92% on my Math final. But that happiness quickly faded when the madness from the night before finally caught up with me in the form of a migraine right before my English final, so needless to say, I left that final feeling like I didn't do as well as I could have.

My life had turned upside down overnight...
Now...Not only did I have finals to study for, but I had Mom to worry about, a house to run, a dog to walk, dinner to make or order, chores to do, and tons of disability papers to fill out. At first it felt overwhelming, but I adapted pretty quickly reminding myself that if I lived alone, this is what I would have to do. I also didn't want Mom to feel bad, cause even though she was in crazy amounts of pain, she's the type who would still worry about everyone else before herself.
So I did what I had to do, and whenever I had to go to class during the day, or if I had a final I had to prepare for, my aunt was there to give me the support I needed.

While I abused myself mentally studying for my Music final whenever I had a free moment, that week I took Mom to see the ER's referred orthopedic surgeon.

He was great!!

Not only was he friendly, he answered all our questions without any condescension and even looked into our concern over my mothers ring finger what was swollen, and painfully bruised. I knew it had to be broken, but no one in the ER had bothered to look at it or even x-ray it. So the doc took us into an office and snapped his own x-ray's with a nifty miniature, free standing, instant x-ray machine that looked like it came right out of a futuristic scifi flick. Well thank God for Mom's little broken finger, cause when he took his x-rays, he saw a whole slew of problems that could only be fixed with surgery and the application of pins in her wrist and her finger. So we scheduled the surgery for the following Friday as that Friday I had my Music final and between me worrying about her, and her worried about me worrying instead of being relaxed for my final, there was no way we could do it that Friday.

When Friday came I got through my Music final without killing my teacher, and felt pretty good about how I did on the test. Then I spent the Saturday and Monday drooling into my Psychology book preparing for the final I had coming that Tuesday. But when Sunday rolled around, Mom and I went out to brunch with my two aunts and two of my uncles, to celebrate a proper Mothers day without anyone breaking anything.
Once home I got right back to studying, and though I wasn't able to study as well as I had hoped, when "D-Day" arrived, I went in to take my test knowing I did the best I could.

After my psychology test all there was left for me to do was to wait for my scores to be posted for the spring semester, but besides all the house hold stuff I had to do, Mom's surgery on Friday was enough on it's own to distract my mind.

So when Friday came we were ready. I had helped Mom bathe the night before, her dress (which was just easier to take on and off) was laid out, paper work was filled out and signed, and I got up an hour early (6am) to walk the dog so we could leave the house by 8am.
When we got to the hospital everything went smooth.
I signed her in, went with her to talk to the nurse, helped her change into her gown, escorted her to the holding area where they prepped her for surgery, questioned the doctors, and said my goodbye as they began to knock her out.
The surgery took and hour and a half, which I spent with my aunt at a coffee shop next to the hospital. She had arrived after we had already started the process of getting Mom ready, but thank God she was there because she was a much needed and welcome distraction.
After the hour and a half was up we headed back to the waiting room, where I decided to use my phone to check and see if they had posted my scores yet...
Well low and behold...they did....

I got all A's...which means my GPA is now a 4.0!!!
I didn't expect A's...maybe one or two but not all A's!
It was something I didn't think I could achieve...something that I never wanted to strive for because I didn't want to get my hopes up.
And as if that moment couldn't get any better, the doctor called me to tell me that Mom was fine, the surgery went perfectly, and she was now resting in recovery....
It was like everything I had worked so hard for, all my stress all my worries had just lifted off of me...
I was floating....
Not only was Mom gonna be ok if not better then before she broke her wrist, but I had great news to tell her the moment she woke up....

I'm still worried about some of the other health scares going on with my family. One of my uncles had to go into the hospital for a routine outpatient procedure and they unknowingly nicked his artery, sending him home with internal bleeding. So within 24 hours he was back in the hospital, in the ER getting blood and prepped for serious surgery to repair the damage that was caused by such a "simple procedure".
Then there's my other uncle whose has this large tumor growing in his neck, behind his ear around his limp nodes and has to have it removed. But because he doesn't have insurance it took forever to find a good doctor and once we found a doctor we had to wait on a biopsy. Then because the biopsy came back inconclusive they wont do the surgery because they need to make sure what it is so they know how much to remove because of it's dangerous placement.
This is what I've been quietly dealing with underneath everything else because talking about it makes it seem more real, and that makes me start to panic. So this is all I will say on the matter of my uncles, until I know for sure if things are going to be ok....

Now it's all a waiting game as Mom begins her long healing process, we find out about my uncles, and I begin summer classes in June...

The Happiest and Saddest I've Ever Been...

I'm gonna talk about some stuff that is hard...not gonna get into many details because it isn't just my story to tell and because like any new wound, it's still raw and bleeding....

So the Ex wanted me back, and because I loved him we started talking again.
My inner voice kept telling me not to do it, things had been going so well for me and I was finally getting over him, but another voice entered my head, the voice of doubt.

What if my instinct to not get back with him was nothing but my fear?
What if I missed out on being happy because I was afraid to trust him again?
What if my issues with my father were keeping me from giving him the second chance he deserves?

I was full of what if's and what was supposed to be our last conversation, became the beginning of our renewed relationship when he said four little words "I love you too".
I knew if I didn't give it another shot I'd regret it, because I loved him and I believed he loved me. Granted right away he backed out of that "I love you too" repeatedly, saying he wasn't in love with me yet but was sure on his way. I would laugh but my inner voice shuddered with every denial. Yet love can make you delusional, and I lied to myself choosing to believe that he loved me, but was just too scared to own it.
Being with him again was bliss, but I couldn't shake my doubt of him. So I decided to take things slow. Slower even then the last time, to truly give me time to trust him again.

But I had one condition... if he hurt me the way he did when he left, if he made me feel like I was less then, like I was inadequate, and if being with him took me off my path, I would end it.

Well you can guess what happened, because we are no longer together.
I've come too far to have anyone make me feel like shit. To make me hate myself so much that I wanted to die and could barely function. To make me hate the world for filling his head with this desire of unattainable perfection and then making me so imperfect. To make me fall in love with a man who couldn't just love me for who I am now...because during this pain I also had to face the truth, that he really didn't love me, and probably never would, not truly anyway. Because when I love, I love with my whole heart, and I deserve the same in return...

Granted...he denies it now. Tried to tell me I was wrong, making excuses for his behavior based on something that had been dealt with, and when I told him I was leaving he even called me names.
But at the beginning, when I first confronted him, his lack of outright denial was as bold a confirmation as a thunder clap....

Don't know why this song seems to ring true right now...but it does, for both me and him....

Muse - Hoodoo

Surround Yourself with "Why Not's"

A lot has happened in the last few months... some great some heartbreaking....

I don't even know where to begin...but I wanted to share this clip that made me smile because it's so true...

Take those shots...even when you crash and burn, if your still alive, keep moving. Surround yourself with people who are gonna encourage you, not those negative people who are gonna hold you back or put you down. No one should make you feel like shit, because if your anything like me, you can do enough of that on your own.

So surround yourself with "Why Not's"....(8.22)

Just a Little Something I Wrote for 4/20...

This is something I wrote on 4/20 that people kept asking where I got it...
I told them it came out of my head, that I wrote it, and was repeatedly greeted with shock...
So I choose to see that as a compliment...lmao...and I post it here for you all to read...
Funnest part about this whole thing is that I haven't smoked in a couple of years...lol

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"God looked down upon the earth and wept,
for He saw his gift of humor and merriment being cast aside.
So He in his great wisdom took the seed of truth from up on high and planted it on earth. 
The seed grew into a mighty weed and God said "Partake of this weed through breath and fire for within liesthe gates to God's truth"
So each year we honor His gift and his great truth...
That life is a greatest joke every told and that He who lives on high is the one and only comedian...

Happy 4/20 Everyone!

(photo above by danishacook52 , Photobucket, and is directly linked)

March Madness!!: Midterms, and a Cold....

So I got through midterm week...
Granted I had to take my tests while suffering through the flu, which I thought was a head cold, and that means I was trying to think/answering questions with virus impaired brain and high on cold medicine, but so far so good...
I got the results of my math midterm and funny enough I was one of the few who passed.
I got an 88% on the test which being me I'm not entirely happy about.
I know I could have done better, even though I missed only two and a half questions, but missing those questions bothers me. I've always been harder on myself then anyone else, but sometimes being too hard on yourself isn't good. So I keep reminding myself that I am sick, and if I can get that score while sick, who knows how well I would have done otherwise. Which I will prove on my final.
I have yet to find out about my Music test (my asshole teacher was out), and hopefully this week I can find out how I did on my Psyciology Midterm since that's the one I'm really nervous about.
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I found out about both my Psychology and Music Midterm....
I got an 82% on my Psychology and an 85% on my Music....
I should be able to raise my midterm score once my extra credit is applied and I didn't even study for my Music test...guess flu riddled me scores in the 85% range. Just hope I do as well on my finals....