No...I'm not getting married...
In August I am going to a very important wedding...but I have a rather Large dilemma...
I'm Fat!!
Not big boned...not husky...not pleasantly plump...
F.A.T...
What brought this up?
Realizing that I have to start looking for a dress starting Tomorrow...(*silent scream*)
This is going to be the second wedding I've ever been to (as an adult) and its one of the most important upcoming events of my life.
Why?
Because it's the wedding of my aunt.
A woman who's been my sister, second mother, and best friend for as long as I can remember (I know...sounds very inbred to me too...lol).
After her first unfortunate marriage of control, abuse, and drama, she has found her match. A good man who can not only be a great father to her children, but can handle her eccentricities of mood with humor, and compassion. A man truly worthy of being the newest member of our wolf pack.
It's not going to be anything extravagant.
Just a small gathering of our family and his, on a yacht, for a sunset wedding on the river.
Ok...sounds extravagant, but its not...not with our lot on board...lol
But to me, it's a very special event, and I want to make sure everything is perfect for her, including me...
Ok...truth be told...my reasons for wanting to loose the 40 pounds are rather selfish.
Everyone knows one of the big things about weddings, besides the wedding itself, are the pictures, and ever since the day I grew Boobage, I hated them with a passion.
During my horrible teens, I saw myself as the fat one of the family, and if anyone, family, friend, or stranger, came at me with a camera, I'd run, hide, or give them nothing but a nameless person with a middle finger for a face.
Evidence to the right:
A photo of my mother and aunt, holding me down for a photo, and my natural instinct photog response...
(from left to right: my mother, me, and my aunt)
In the last few years, I've taught myself to be somewhat ok with the way I look, as long as I was in control of the pictures. What I like to call "self picture therapy".
I've almost mastered my head shot and know what my good angles are (Facebook and Myspace are my testimonials to that...lol), but I still can't take a full body shot without cringing. Especially since I am now at the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
What finally woke me up to how far I let myself go, was seeing pictures of me at the last wedding I went to a few years ago.
I was Huge... and as I cropped my body out of every photo I could get my hands on, I swore that I would never be that BIG for my aunts BIG day.
Oh...and the wedding is going to be in August. Which means of course, hot temps, bare skin, and light colored clothing....
The heavy girls nightmare...
(why???)
How am I supposed to live by the heavy girls code in those conditions...
"Cover up whatever you can"
"Hide it in black so no one can see"
So I made a goal.
Loose 40 pounds by June.
That seemed reasonable when I first decided to start this program in November.
Enough weight to make me feel better. Something attainable, realistic....
The plan was to loose 5 pounds a month minimum...by just eating healthy (since I still couldn't move around much due to my health)...
What was I thinking...
Who starts a weight loss program of only healthy eating, right before the most gluttonous months of the year?
Luckily...in the second week of December I started a new drug that would give me back my mobility, but I wouldn't realize to what extent until early February, which meant I lost 3 months...
Now that I'm more mobile, I've already lost 10 pounds, but it makes me anxious to push myself so that I can continue to loose enough to meet my goals.
I have to continue to remind myself that I am still going through serious health issues, and that I'm not free to use the crazy diets, or body destroying workouts that the average healthy "fat girl" can use...;-)
All of this drama just so I can be proud to stand by my aunts side. To get photos taken of me without wishing for a swift death. To just enjoy being there with her on her big day without being distracted or self conscious about the way I look.
Seems like such a waist of energy...but I don't know how else to feel...
So, though I'm impatient, I attempt to eat healthy and slowly build my endurance.
I'm taking the turtles path. Slow and steady wins the race, but I don't remember the turtle having a time limit...
No comments:
Post a Comment