Re-awaking My Inner Voice: Another Apocalypse Let Down and College Year 1 Locked DOWN!!!

I'm Still ALIVE!!...or did I die and hell looks exactly like my life...lol...if that's the case then hell aint too bad so far...guess I'll never know...lol
Some media actually asked the descendants of the Mayans if they were ready for the end of the world and they looked at the guy like he was crazy. One dude even said that us freaking out about it was like "freaking out every year when the calender ends on December 31st. The world doesn't end at the last page of our calender, so why would we think it would end on the Mayans calendar." He was also going to work on Friday just like any day...lol
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Well here I am again....
It's been so long since I've written just for myself I feel like a foal after being born trying to find her legs. Reconnecting with my inner voice, my writers voice, is proving itself rather tricky especially since I still have that left over stress from finishing my first fall semester.

But that's right Bitches!...I've officially finished my first year of college...What..WHAT!! but I have yet to fully accept it for some reason...
I actually still feel anxious like I have an essay or paper that I forgot to write, or some project I forgot to do so I can't seem to relax. But maybe I just need to get my grades so it can sink in and my sphincter can relax...

Then there's the ex crap.

Yes more ex crap!
Since October I've had a lot of trouble unconsciously thinking about the ex, missing him, worrying about him when Sandy hit, and because of the storm we spoke again. But when you miss someone you always just seem to remember the good times and I had to remind myself it wasn't all "good times". There was a reason I broke up with him and that hadn't changed. So though I was writing poems in my head about how I felt just needing to expel the crap that was clouding my vision and weighing on my chest I couldn't. I was so consumed with school work I barely had time to do that let alone write for my own sanity. It got so bad that it was actually distracting me and I was slipping up with my work load. That was when I gave myself a reality check, put my priorities in order, and really threw myself completely into what was important, my education. I had to remind myself that I've come too far to let anything and I mean ANYTHING stop me from following my path.

He and I were like two puzzle pieces that look like they fit perfectly together, but in fact one piece has a small rough corner while the other has a smooth one. No matter how hard you try to shove those pieces together, pushing and forcing them, they're just not gonna fit. At least not unless you cut one of them, but then if you cut it, what was the point of doing the puzzle in the first place.
But life moves on and I know my life isn't over. In fact I had a very sweet though rather hyper 16 year old competing with this other guy on who was gonna sit next to me in class. Both were complete flirts which I wont lie was rather nice when the last guy you were with made you feel unattractive and it was very sweet in a creepy kinda way considering I'm old enough to be his mother...lol...but it was nice just to know someone was interested. Obviously nothing came of it because I'm not a pedophile, and the other dude was sweet, but not my type so I made sure not to be too friendly with either one and  finals came and went without me having to deal with any uncomfortable conversations.

But speaking about dudes flirting with me, there was this one real "winner" in my Biology Lab class who was one of the reasons I started taking kickboxing classes, because I wanted to literally KILL HIM!!!
All I can figure is that he must live in one of those pretty people bubbles believing that because he's good looking all he has to do is flirt with his female classmates and they'll fall all over themselves to basically do his work for him. Well I was his kryptonite because non of his tricks worked on me and his inability with me effected his game with our other remaining female lab partners. If anything the harder he tried with me, the more it just pissed me off. He's one of those assholes who doesn't want to do his work, wants you to tell him the answers cause he doesn't want to think, or will argue with you if you know his answer is wrong and you tell him so. He must be so used to people telling him yes and giving him what he wants that when I first told him no he looked so shocked that I laughed at him.
The last lab we had together we were all using our phones to take pictures of some papers we needed to use to help practice for our final and he made the mistake of telling me to just send him my picture. That was my breaking point. I looked at him and the words just flew out of my mouth.
"Excuse Me!!...You did NOT just tell Me to send you a picture of something that you are fully capable taking yourself." He then said with a smile "Oh you know I don't like taking pictures". To which I responded. "You know...your so full of shit! I don't give a flying rats ass what you "like" to do, you got a cell phone just like the rest of us, you can take your own damn picture! I'm not your Mama!"
Of course he laughed just as assholes do, and my other lab partners who were also fed up with his shit just looked at me with satisfied smiles on there faces. I then spent the rest of the time we had left in class trying to keep myself from leaping across the table like some 70's TV show cop leaping over the hood of a car and punching him the throat.

Ok...that's enough for now...

(photo above The White Wolf Woman by ~dkjart)

30 and in College: Finals, Broken Limbs, and GPAs...

So much has happened I don't know where to begin…

This bittersweet month started off with me in a funk over the breakup, had me smiling and feeling like I got a bit of myself back by the end of the week, only to emotionally crash land after a scare on Mothers Day, all the while I had finals to deal with as well as family heath scares that were on my mind.

It started when I had my last English class before the our final.
He gave us the normal three subjects to write about, except this time all three subjects were questions on the two articles we had to read for our final essay.

Kind of a practice run.

So I picked the one I felt most passionate about and got to writing.
It just flowed out of me, paragraph after paragraph, and before I knew it, I had written much more then the needed 500 words, with enough time to go over my work.
And of course we had to read what we had written out loud. Now normally I'm a "closer" or the one the teacher calls on at the end of class to end things on a high note, since my classmates seem to  like what I write so much. But today the teacher decided to throw me a curve ball and called on me first.
Time stood still as I read out loud the words that moments ago were just puffs of smoke in my mind. and when I was done, I heard something I've never heard before...applause.
Some of my classmates actually applauded, while others laughed appreciatively and smiled at me. In a strange way, this acceptance and appreciation of my writing was worse then when they couldn't understand the meaning of my work and judged me so harshly. I didn't know what to do with it except laugh too, even though I had an overwhelming urge to hide my head beneath my desk.
After that things went well...

I had my finals to distract me from the pain of having to say goodbye to someone loved but who wasn't good for me, and that Thursday I went into my Math final feeling pretty confident.
But then came Mothers Day...

It started out great...
Spent the day with my aunt, uncle, and Mom just relaxing. We got mani pedis, my uncle cooked dinner, we enjoyed each others company and went home very happy. Once home Mom and I took the dog out for his evening walk.
As our Max was peeing a waterfalls worth of urine on the tree in front of our building, a woman came up the block with her two sheep dogs leading. Now if you know dogs you know if they're leading, your not in control of them, and this woman saw us standing there, but kept approaching. Well all it took was one aggressive bark and lunge from one of her dogs to set Max off and he went after him, sending my mother, who was standing on the tree roots, flying forward then slamming face first onto the concrete. I saw her fall and wanted to go to her first, but my priority became Max who was now about to get into a dog fight with bad odds, two against one. So worried about my Mom and not even thinking about the dumb woman and her dogs, I jumped in the fight, grabbed my dog by his jowls, and commanded him to stop. It was as if my voice snapped him back to reality, cause he stopped immediately. I then took him and ran back to my mom who was now standing up but holding her right wrist at a strange angle. I asked her if she was ok, and she uttered something she's never said to me in all the years I've known her, she said No.

This is a woman who knows pain the way one would know a long time lover, so for her to tell me she was not ok, I knew we were going to the ER.
But the dog still had to be walked, and I couldn't argue with her about it, so I gave her the keys, took the dog around the corner to poop, then literally ran home. My legs moving faster as fearful thoughts of her passed out in the apartment with me unable to get in, flooded my brain. But she was as fine as one can be in this situation and was able to buzz me in.

I got her to the hospital fairly quickly considering, and thanks to the fact that we got there before the shift change, and that shes an employee, we were fast-tracked through the ER.
3 hours, 2 x-rays, and some dumb ass questions later (like the x-ray tech asking which arm was broken, when she was standing there holding up her right arm that was wrapped in a rather large and obvious splint), my aunt showed up, and I was promptly sent home against my will because I had my English final the very next day. I knew I wasn't going to sleep, and though they got home by 1:30am, I didn't actually fall asleep till 3am.

My aunt (who is a saint) stayed with us so that I could go to class the next day without worrying about Mom being alone.

Ha!...

Though the gesture was appreciated there was no way I wasn't going to worry, and things began to turn around when I found out that morning I got a 92% on my Math final. But that happiness quickly faded when the madness from the night before finally caught up with me in the form of a migraine right before my English final, so needless to say, I left that final feeling like I didn't do as well as I could have.

My life had turned upside down overnight...
Now...Not only did I have finals to study for, but I had Mom to worry about, a house to run, a dog to walk, dinner to make or order, chores to do, and tons of disability papers to fill out. At first it felt overwhelming, but I adapted pretty quickly reminding myself that if I lived alone, this is what I would have to do. I also didn't want Mom to feel bad, cause even though she was in crazy amounts of pain, she's the type who would still worry about everyone else before herself.
So I did what I had to do, and whenever I had to go to class during the day, or if I had a final I had to prepare for, my aunt was there to give me the support I needed.

While I abused myself mentally studying for my Music final whenever I had a free moment, that week I took Mom to see the ER's referred orthopedic surgeon.

He was great!!

Not only was he friendly, he answered all our questions without any condescension and even looked into our concern over my mothers ring finger what was swollen, and painfully bruised. I knew it had to be broken, but no one in the ER had bothered to look at it or even x-ray it. So the doc took us into an office and snapped his own x-ray's with a nifty miniature, free standing, instant x-ray machine that looked like it came right out of a futuristic scifi flick. Well thank God for Mom's little broken finger, cause when he took his x-rays, he saw a whole slew of problems that could only be fixed with surgery and the application of pins in her wrist and her finger. So we scheduled the surgery for the following Friday as that Friday I had my Music final and between me worrying about her, and her worried about me worrying instead of being relaxed for my final, there was no way we could do it that Friday.

When Friday came I got through my Music final without killing my teacher, and felt pretty good about how I did on the test. Then I spent the Saturday and Monday drooling into my Psychology book preparing for the final I had coming that Tuesday. But when Sunday rolled around, Mom and I went out to brunch with my two aunts and two of my uncles, to celebrate a proper Mothers day without anyone breaking anything.
Once home I got right back to studying, and though I wasn't able to study as well as I had hoped, when "D-Day" arrived, I went in to take my test knowing I did the best I could.

After my psychology test all there was left for me to do was to wait for my scores to be posted for the spring semester, but besides all the house hold stuff I had to do, Mom's surgery on Friday was enough on it's own to distract my mind.

So when Friday came we were ready. I had helped Mom bathe the night before, her dress (which was just easier to take on and off) was laid out, paper work was filled out and signed, and I got up an hour early (6am) to walk the dog so we could leave the house by 8am.
When we got to the hospital everything went smooth.
I signed her in, went with her to talk to the nurse, helped her change into her gown, escorted her to the holding area where they prepped her for surgery, questioned the doctors, and said my goodbye as they began to knock her out.
The surgery took and hour and a half, which I spent with my aunt at a coffee shop next to the hospital. She had arrived after we had already started the process of getting Mom ready, but thank God she was there because she was a much needed and welcome distraction.
After the hour and a half was up we headed back to the waiting room, where I decided to use my phone to check and see if they had posted my scores yet...
Well low and behold...they did....

I got all A's...which means my GPA is now a 4.0!!!
I didn't expect A's...maybe one or two but not all A's!
It was something I didn't think I could achieve...something that I never wanted to strive for because I didn't want to get my hopes up.
And as if that moment couldn't get any better, the doctor called me to tell me that Mom was fine, the surgery went perfectly, and she was now resting in recovery....
It was like everything I had worked so hard for, all my stress all my worries had just lifted off of me...
I was floating....
Not only was Mom gonna be ok if not better then before she broke her wrist, but I had great news to tell her the moment she woke up....

I'm still worried about some of the other health scares going on with my family. One of my uncles had to go into the hospital for a routine outpatient procedure and they unknowingly nicked his artery, sending him home with internal bleeding. So within 24 hours he was back in the hospital, in the ER getting blood and prepped for serious surgery to repair the damage that was caused by such a "simple procedure".
Then there's my other uncle whose has this large tumor growing in his neck, behind his ear around his limp nodes and has to have it removed. But because he doesn't have insurance it took forever to find a good doctor and once we found a doctor we had to wait on a biopsy. Then because the biopsy came back inconclusive they wont do the surgery because they need to make sure what it is so they know how much to remove because of it's dangerous placement.
This is what I've been quietly dealing with underneath everything else because talking about it makes it seem more real, and that makes me start to panic. So this is all I will say on the matter of my uncles, until I know for sure if things are going to be ok....

Now it's all a waiting game as Mom begins her long healing process, we find out about my uncles, and I begin summer classes in June...

Happy V-Day or Happy Singles Awareness (or Appreciation) Day!!! And a Happy Surprise...:-)

Yes...Today is Valentine's Day...
Now normally I am not a fan of the day, except for the excellent sales on candy and my affinity for candy hearts which you can only find today. But I am a fan of Romance, I never found anything Romantic about a forced day of affection. So I was pleasantly surprised that this Valentine's Day actually went rather well.

I was dreading having to go to class, being surrounded by all those children being gooey and mushy with their sweet smelling perfumes, pink outfits, flowers, and balloons, when I rather do my norm which is chill in front of the TV watching the annual cheaters marathon on G4.
So I prepared for the onslaught by dressing in some of my favorite geek war wear and mentally prepared myself for the public affection and giggly bobble-headed females.
Instead what I got was the complete opposite.
From the moment I got on the train, I realized I was surrounded by my people. Hard working people who were just trying to get to their destination without drama, and for them, today was just like any other day.
It was actually rather surreal and I found myself scanning people looking for any hint of hidden Valentine's paraphernalia like any red or pink clothing, flowers, or gifts.
I found nothing.
In fact, some of the women looked as if they hadn't even bothered pulling themselves together to go out or for that matter hadn't bothered to shower, while the men were wearing beat-up casual clothing, or normal office attire. Funny enough, I think I had on the most makeup in my part of the train car, which for me consists of average nude eye makeup and a bit of lip gloss...lol

From that train ride on, the day went on like any other day.
Got to school, went to class, and left.
I noticed a few people with flowers or balloons in the halls, but they were so few and far between that it wasn't even an annoyance. It was as if almost everyone in school was like me and for once I was part of the majority....felt rather strange. In fact, the term Singles Awareness Day came from a classmate of mine who was wishing the whole class a Happy Singles Awareness Day. Until he uttered the term I didn't even know us single people had a holiday of our own to counteract Valentine's Day, so I Googled it.
On my way home I again saw the noticeable lack of Valentine's Days sticky love hemorrhage that would normally be everywhere and on everyone. No giggly bobble-headed clones, no idiots trying to fit 20 balloons on a crowded subway train, and no young couples pawing each other in public, making out full on french style for the world to see.

So the thing I was afraid of didn't happen. I got through the day without needing to shower away residual glitter or funky odors... Then as if to make my day end even better, as I was leaving my subway station, I was surprised by my mother and my big mush ball Baby Huey of a dog.
Seeing them waiting for me, my big dog pulling to get to me with his big fluffy tail wagging madly just made my night.
What a nice way to end my evening, being greeted by those I love the most.

Did I have a few bad moments?
Sure...it is Valentine's Day after all and I'm newly single after breaking up with the first man I ever loved, so memories are gonna pop up causing melancholy thoughts, but I pushed through them pretty well.

Then the final cherry on top of my day was finding out I can fit into a size 12 jeans again....
HOLY FUCK!!!
and I'm not talking about squeezing into them, but just putting them on. Sure I still had to do the butt tuck trick where you contract the butt muscles as you pull the jeans up (my big bootay is always gonna be an issue) but I hardly had to do that.
I guess even though I'm not exercising, all this running around is still burning those calories...

So this Valentine's Day went from anticipated horror, to any other boring day, and actually ended better then most days.  If this isn't proof of a higher power, I don't know what is....lmao!

 (Photo above of me wearing my favorite geek shirt and the beautiful prayer beads my cousin made.)

January 2012...New Start...and BIG UPCOMING CHANGES!!!

Ok I've been soo busy I don't even know where to begin....
Let me start off to say this is not a blog about my love life. I currently don't have one and I'm actually fine with that. So many good things are happening that wallowing in self pity or looking for some guy to fill the void left by the Ex isn't really important now...

So where to begin...how about at the beginning....;-)

Being unemployed and without many connection, I had asked my mother back in November to keep an ear out for any mention of jobs where she works at the hospital. Then one day she tells me how at the union meeting they talked about how people don't seem to understand what is appropriate for the workplace anymore. The union leader discussed how they've had tons of people coming in to work and coming to interviews 45mins late in jeans and flip flops. When she told me what he said and the stories he told, I couldn't believe how so many people could be so unprofessional. So many people, people like me, need jobs and yet you have these people who just don't care. It boggles the mind.
Well she told me she spoke to the union head about me and my need for a job and he told her that she should get him my resume. That he would make sure it gets to the top of the list back at human resources since he knew that any kid of hers would be a hard worker. So jumping at the opportunity I fine tuned my resume, printed it, and gave it to her the very next day.
Well the holidays came and went, with no call from the hospital or the union for me to come in for an interview. I just figured I didn't have enough experience or education to be considered and forgot about. Then a few days after new years, as I was preparing for the madness of my upcoming college experience, I get a call from the union telling me I have an interview for the 23rd. The woman told me what I needed to bring, where I needed to go, what time, that I will be taking a typing test, and even to dress for an interview (like I needed telling).
I was in shock. I literary screamed after I hung up the phone.
Sure I may not land the job, but I got the interview!!!
Just getting an interview is so hard now a days...and who knows...maybe just showing up in slacks and a blazer will be enough to make them give me a chance...lol

The other big thing that's been going on has been college.
I got all my paperwork in to clear me for registration and all I was missing was orientation and advisement.
I was finally sent an invitation to what they call a New Student Assembly on the 11th which is a orentation ceremony to welcome new students to the school. So with some anxiety I pulled myself together, went and it was badly charming.
We were greeted as we entered the doorway by uncomfortable students yelling
"WELCOME! TO BMCC!!
START HERE GO ANYWHERE!"
while handing out plastic welcome bags. I couldn't help but smile at the embarrassed student standing in front who was in charge of yelling Welcome as he handed me my bag. As we entered the theater, there was a band playing on the right hand side of the stage, blasting there pop-fusion music more at us more then in greeting, and of course I was sitting right in front of them. I felt like I was in that movie "10 Things I Hate About You" except the music was worse.
So we sat there watching the band while we went through our college goody bags, where we each recieved a program, a student handbook, a pen, a weird triangle shaped highlighter, as well as information on the "Freshman Year Experience: Lunch, Advisement, and Registration" that was to follow in the next two days depending on our major. After being auditorily attacked by the band we were introduced to our President, our Vice President, and my new favorite, our Vice President of Student Affairs Dr. Marva Craig. Former graduate from BMCC, she went to Hunter for her Bachelors, NYU for her Masters, then she got her Doctorate in Education from Teachers College and Columbia University. She is a walking talking success story and she was great, funny, a no bull kinda lady, and she knew her shit!
We then had to sit through a very uncomfortably bad dance performance, more talking, a great poem reading, and finally a song sung by a former graduate that was fantastically done, before we were broken into smaller groups based on our major to find out more about what we planed on studying.
It was here that I decided my major which I will discuss later...;-)

So the next day I woke up a 5am and went to the FYE (Freshman Year Experience) where we were locked in the theater for 4 hours worth of a lectures on what it means to be a student, what we need to know, and our responsibility's as students.
Boy! By the end of it my ass was really numb, so when they finally released us for lunch and advisement handing us flash drives and little paper lunch bags, I was grateful. That was before I realized at what speed the rest of this "Experience"was about to take place.

I had just barely had gotten to my table when an adviser was at my side asking me questions and telling me which classes I would need to take. Next thing I knew they were calling everyone who had been advised (which was me) to head to registration. So now I'm following a line of students, coat, advisement sheet, and paper lunch bag clutched to my chest, praying I had everything still with me, while heading up escalators, and trooping through the halls of the school only to end up in the computer lab where we were to register online.
I was shown to a computer, where I finally got to dump my stuff only to find out that I couldn't register yet because I hadn't been cleared through the system (no shit!). Their way of fixing the issue was to assign me to a staff member at another computer who would "backdoor" register me. So now I had to grab all my stuff again and head over to him, where he quickly went through my classes asking me what times, and I could barely focus on what he was saying before he was sending me to the printer where my completed schedule was being printed. The staff member at the printer hands me my completed registration explaining my balance and that I would have to go to the Bursar Office to finalize my bill. I asked if I could do that online, and when she said yes, I grabbed my things, thanked her and got the fuck out of there.
I knew the classes were correct but not the times. I just prayed that when I got home, the registration issue would be fixed. That way with any luck I could calmly correct my classes and finalize my bill. The only issue left to deal with was the issue of my major.

They kept telling us that if our major was wrong or if we weren't sure what major we wanted, it wasn't a problem. But I knew better then to take that risk and had made the decision to head back to the school the next day to properly talk to an academic adviser.
When I had originally sent in my application to CUNY I didn't know what I wanted to major in, except that I knew it was going to be in the health field, so I listed my major as Undeclared Health (Nursing). Later, after I decided to go to BMCC, I decided to Major in Science because of the letter I got from Hunter College. They stated that if I got an Associate's in Science and maintained a GPA of 2.5 I was guaranteed admission to their school. Considering my goal is to become a Lab Technologist, Hunter is the way to go. So I knew I would have to change my major since Nursing would only get me an Associate in Applied Science.
During orientation when we split up into smaller groups based on Major, I went with the Science group and it was there I found out that BMCC offers the major of Biotechnology Science. It falls under the umbrella of the Science department, would gain me an AS in Science and when the professor explained that it was more geared for people interested in lab work, it was as if everything clicked into place. I knew it wouldn't be easy, very heavy on science and math, but if this is what I really wanted to do then this was my future major.


So the day after I officially registered for classes, I went to the school and followed the long process of changing my major. As it turned out I'm glad I did because the adviser showed me that one of the classes I was taking wasn't right for my new major, so after I officially changed my major I went home and changed the class. The change even made my schedule more time efficient, and now I have the time I need to work part time if I do get this job with the hospital.


On top of all of this, it seems like even if I don't get the job at the hospital, I will have a part-time job.
While all of this was taking place, I was calculating my college expenses with excel spreadsheets, and when my uncle (who is an accountant) heard I knew Excel and even enjoyed working with it, he wants me to work with him part time as his assistant. Even my father joked on hiring me when he heard I enjoy Excel...LOL!


So to sum up....
I got a job interview with the hospital coming up.
I am now "Officially" a Biotechnology Science Major at Borough of Manhattan Community College.
and finally
I got a guaranteed par-time job with my uncle...all cause I'm a Geek and like Excel...lol

If this month is any indication what 2012 will bring...
BRING IT ON BABY!!!!....LMAO!!

 (photo above of John Belushi from the movie Animal House found using Google)