The Happiest and Saddest I've Ever Been...

I'm gonna talk about some stuff that is hard...not gonna get into many details because it isn't just my story to tell and because like any new wound, it's still raw and bleeding....

So the Ex wanted me back, and because I loved him we started talking again.
My inner voice kept telling me not to do it, things had been going so well for me and I was finally getting over him, but another voice entered my head, the voice of doubt.

What if my instinct to not get back with him was nothing but my fear?
What if I missed out on being happy because I was afraid to trust him again?
What if my issues with my father were keeping me from giving him the second chance he deserves?

I was full of what if's and what was supposed to be our last conversation, became the beginning of our renewed relationship when he said four little words "I love you too".
I knew if I didn't give it another shot I'd regret it, because I loved him and I believed he loved me. Granted right away he backed out of that "I love you too" repeatedly, saying he wasn't in love with me yet but was sure on his way. I would laugh but my inner voice shuddered with every denial. Yet love can make you delusional, and I lied to myself choosing to believe that he loved me, but was just too scared to own it.
Being with him again was bliss, but I couldn't shake my doubt of him. So I decided to take things slow. Slower even then the last time, to truly give me time to trust him again.

But I had one condition... if he hurt me the way he did when he left, if he made me feel like I was less then, like I was inadequate, and if being with him took me off my path, I would end it.

Well you can guess what happened, because we are no longer together.
I've come too far to have anyone make me feel like shit. To make me hate myself so much that I wanted to die and could barely function. To make me hate the world for filling his head with this desire of unattainable perfection and then making me so imperfect. To make me fall in love with a man who couldn't just love me for who I am now...because during this pain I also had to face the truth, that he really didn't love me, and probably never would, not truly anyway. Because when I love, I love with my whole heart, and I deserve the same in return...

Granted...he denies it now. Tried to tell me I was wrong, making excuses for his behavior based on something that had been dealt with, and when I told him I was leaving he even called me names.
But at the beginning, when I first confronted him, his lack of outright denial was as bold a confirmation as a thunder clap....

Don't know why this song seems to ring true right now...but it does, for both me and him....

Muse - Hoodoo

Happy V-Day or Happy Singles Awareness (or Appreciation) Day!!! And a Happy Surprise...:-)

Yes...Today is Valentine's Day...
Now normally I am not a fan of the day, except for the excellent sales on candy and my affinity for candy hearts which you can only find today. But I am a fan of Romance, I never found anything Romantic about a forced day of affection. So I was pleasantly surprised that this Valentine's Day actually went rather well.

I was dreading having to go to class, being surrounded by all those children being gooey and mushy with their sweet smelling perfumes, pink outfits, flowers, and balloons, when I rather do my norm which is chill in front of the TV watching the annual cheaters marathon on G4.
So I prepared for the onslaught by dressing in some of my favorite geek war wear and mentally prepared myself for the public affection and giggly bobble-headed females.
Instead what I got was the complete opposite.
From the moment I got on the train, I realized I was surrounded by my people. Hard working people who were just trying to get to their destination without drama, and for them, today was just like any other day.
It was actually rather surreal and I found myself scanning people looking for any hint of hidden Valentine's paraphernalia like any red or pink clothing, flowers, or gifts.
I found nothing.
In fact, some of the women looked as if they hadn't even bothered pulling themselves together to go out or for that matter hadn't bothered to shower, while the men were wearing beat-up casual clothing, or normal office attire. Funny enough, I think I had on the most makeup in my part of the train car, which for me consists of average nude eye makeup and a bit of lip gloss...lol

From that train ride on, the day went on like any other day.
Got to school, went to class, and left.
I noticed a few people with flowers or balloons in the halls, but they were so few and far between that it wasn't even an annoyance. It was as if almost everyone in school was like me and for once I was part of the majority....felt rather strange. In fact, the term Singles Awareness Day came from a classmate of mine who was wishing the whole class a Happy Singles Awareness Day. Until he uttered the term I didn't even know us single people had a holiday of our own to counteract Valentine's Day, so I Googled it.
On my way home I again saw the noticeable lack of Valentine's Days sticky love hemorrhage that would normally be everywhere and on everyone. No giggly bobble-headed clones, no idiots trying to fit 20 balloons on a crowded subway train, and no young couples pawing each other in public, making out full on french style for the world to see.

So the thing I was afraid of didn't happen. I got through the day without needing to shower away residual glitter or funky odors... Then as if to make my day end even better, as I was leaving my subway station, I was surprised by my mother and my big mush ball Baby Huey of a dog.
Seeing them waiting for me, my big dog pulling to get to me with his big fluffy tail wagging madly just made my night.
What a nice way to end my evening, being greeted by those I love the most.

Did I have a few bad moments?
Sure...it is Valentine's Day after all and I'm newly single after breaking up with the first man I ever loved, so memories are gonna pop up causing melancholy thoughts, but I pushed through them pretty well.

Then the final cherry on top of my day was finding out I can fit into a size 12 jeans again....
HOLY FUCK!!!
and I'm not talking about squeezing into them, but just putting them on. Sure I still had to do the butt tuck trick where you contract the butt muscles as you pull the jeans up (my big bootay is always gonna be an issue) but I hardly had to do that.
I guess even though I'm not exercising, all this running around is still burning those calories...

So this Valentine's Day went from anticipated horror, to any other boring day, and actually ended better then most days.  If this isn't proof of a higher power, I don't know what is....lmao!

 (Photo above of me wearing my favorite geek shirt and the beautiful prayer beads my cousin made.)

Yea..Yea...its Another Blog about the Damn Breakup....

You ever have one of those moments where you hear a song that you've heard a billion times but for whatever reason, now it hits a chord. This time it makes sense, and it brings back a flood of memories you didn't need nor want to remember.
Well that's what happened to me with the song Glycerine by Bush.

It made me think of happier times, sitting in the car with the ex, listening to his vast collection of music that he couldn't wait to share with me. Of his smile as he would lean back driving with one hand on the steering wheel.

Fucking Hell!

Thundercats, Skulls, and Braids...A Strange Beginning to 2012

Today hasn't been a good day. My pain has flared up something awful, I forgot to take my meds again, which doesn't help the matter, and I finally came to terms with the fact that the Ex and I aren't getting back together.

I hate being one of those chicks that keeps harping on the breakup...and I keep saying I'll stop talking about it, but its a major part of what's going on with me and I can't explain why I feel the way I do without going back to the subject. 

This time I bring it up because my uncle gave me a Christmas gift this weekend to give to him, not knowing we were broken up, and it brought it all back. Though I said I wouldn't, like an idiot I contacted him because I wanted him to have the gift, especially since it came from the uncle he liked so much. So I sent him a text but when he didn't even bother to respond that was my breaking point.

Somehow I guess I always figured that even though we weren't together he would be there... just a simple text message away if for whatever reason I needed him. 

He had been my best friend. 

But when I didn't get a response considering our breakup wasn't an angry one, not even a simple "no thanks" or "keep it", made me feel like all ties had been cut. I'd been tossed aside...discarded...

So I'm sending out my geek symbol once again and I'm going to allow myself to move on and get back out there. It shouldn't be hard, I'm starting classes this month so I'll be meeting all kinds of new people, also my Ex already contacted me right before Christmas (he must have sensed "a disturbance in the Force"..lol) saying he had been thinking about me and had bought me a gift he knew I wanted a while back. He just wanted to meet sometime after the holidays so he could give it to me. I told him I'd think about it but I've decided to meet him. At first I was wary thinking it was just a ploy to get me in the sack, but he seemed sincere. There wasn't any asshole remarks or sexual innuendo, and he never seemed like the kinda guy who would bother to remember something I wanted before, so I have to say I'm rather curious.

At the same time I'm not stupid. I know I'm in a vulnerable place right now and that some guys can smell that shit like sharks smell blood in the water. So I will be approaching this very very carefully.

I also started reconnecting with friends I lost touch with because I was so caught up in being "in a relationship", or what I like to call "Boyfriend Blind". 

I'll finally start heading out to some of the gigs I keep getting invited to (yep I know a lot of musicians in bands...lol) once I get my classes squared away. Also two of my friends have asked me to model for them in their photo shoots which is something that is always scary but fun to do. It  requires me to push against that old fear of mine of photos, of not being pretty enough or thin enough. I've also begun to connect with fairly new friends and old school acquaintances, so there will be plenty of coffee shop outings in my near future. But on top of all that there's also plenty of birthdays and baby showers I have to prepare for. 

So I'd say I'll have plenty to distract me and get me back to the real world.

I'm also going to start writing again (school work permitting). I've decided to release the reigns on my inner self and let her run free through the written word. Shes always there, giving me ideas, painting vivid dreams during my nighttime slumber. I think its time to set her loose...lol
==========================================
(I should share that I was having trouble writing and getting all this out of me, until I started listing to Electric Shock Radio: Episode 2... isn't it strange how one persons expression of creativity can inspire another. 
Thank you Natalia McCarty for putting together a killer music mix...)

==========================================

And last on my agenda is that I'm thinking of cutting all my hair off and dying the remaining bits blond. Yep...I'm thinking of taking my long brown hair and going boy short and bleached blond. Kinda like a modern pixie hair cut with an asymmetrical fringe. It kinda makes sense that I'm being drawn to do this since cutting ones hair in native culture is a sign of morning and in a sense I am in morning. I was going to wait till I reached my goal weight but who knows...maybe doing something this drastic is what I need.

New Life...New Me...

Here are some pictures to give u an idea...

(First photo above is of me in my geek symbol tee shirt with my long hair braided to the side, wearing my scull earrings and prayer necklace my cousin made that has little wooden sculls breaking up the dark magnetic beads.)

(Hair photos found thanks to Google)

New Years Eve and Single Again....OY VEY!!!

Ok...so I am gonna mention the break-up one more time, but only because it's relevant to the subject of this post.
I'm gonna attempt to not sound like a winning self-centered individual, but if I do, please forgive me...lol
--------------------

I have to say I'm getting rather tired of this.
Once again I'm single for new years and I'm beginning to think I'm cursed.

For once I would like to be in a relationship when New Years Eve rolls around. Not so I can have the "big blowout party", because if I really wanted that I know where I can find it. But so I can be with someone I care about when the clock shrikes 12.
This year I thought I'd finally have that moment. For once I thought I'd finally found the guy who would kiss me into the new year. When I think about it it's rather funny cause we discussed it not that long ago.
We talked about how I was finally doing all the things most people do in high school and their 20's. How now I was allowing myself to finally enjoy my life and be a kid. When I told him about my bad New Years Eve luck, he told me it wasn't bad luck. That fate didn't want me to have that experience with anyone else but him. He told me he wanted to be my first and last New Years kiss. That he wanted to be my first and last everything....

Do you see why I fell for this guy?...lol

Well maybe I was right about the luck because once again I am single for New Years. I will be entering a pivotal year in my life on my own two feet. I'm trying not to let it get to me but it isn't easy.
All I can do is try to stay positive, try to focus on all the good things that are going on in my life, and have faith that everything happens for a reason.

(Photo of my girl Harley Quinn by bob167, Photobucket and is directly linked)