Update...(long time coming)

Ok...so I know this has been a long time coming but I've been super busy (and as a friend put it...super happy) so I haven't had time to blog the way I used to.
I also posted another blog before this update which is a bit backward, but if I did anything normal I wouldn't be me...:)

So here's the long and short of it....

I finished my classes, finished my internship with Community Impact, started and finished some advanced computer classes, registered for college in the spring, started seeing my ex again, am stressing over waiting for my college acceptance/rejection letters, have NOT worked out the way I should, have NOT had time to continue my story, and yet I am rather content.

My biggest issues at the moment are trying to find time to work out, trying not to rush things with the ex, finding another job, staying on my path, and at the same time trying not to obsess over which school I will go to. I need to find out already so I can fully freak the fuck out the way my body needs to.

My 30th birthday came and went uneventfully, which I thought I'd be more upset about, but I never did anything big on any of my big birthdays (18/21) and when I did, it was just unnecessary stress. I'll probably end up going all out on my 31st as if it were my 30th for two reasons. 1. because I can, and 2. because if I can celebrate it, that means the world didn't end in an apocalyptic shit storm of fire, blood, and water...now frankly that's something to celebrate...lol

I'm bummed I didn't go to the beach this summer. I didn't get my fix of sun, salt, and waves, but on the upside I look forward to going to college so I can use the swimming pool. To get my water fix while working out sounds pretty darn wonderful to me...but unfortunately that wont be till the spring semester of 2012 which means I'll be jonesing till then...
I didn't even use my aunts pool more then twice which is REALLY bad...

Now some of you may say: "Why are you bitching about that?""
Well first I say...I didn't bitch so rein in the attitude....and second...if you knew me and my connection to the ocean, water and swimming, you'd understand why. I've never felt more alive or free as I do when I swim. As a kid I'd stay in the water all day, watching my skin prune and not caring. I was and always will be a daughter of the ocean. I'm actually surprised I wasn't born a tail and gills.

My ex...(well can't call him that anymore)... and I have been seeing each other for over 6 months now and this may sound sad but this is the longest relationship I've ever had. I don't have a long dating history (you can count it on one hand) but from my few experiences I don't force a relationship when I can see it isn't going anywhere. That thought process has saved me from having bad emotionally scaring breakups, so this is a completely new experience for me.

It's scary cause I truly don't know what to expect and I'm learning as I go.
We have had our emotional ups and downs but that's par for the course. I've been on my own for so long that I didn't realize how much work it would be to be with someone. Besides the tiring grooming that is required when dating, I'm a bit of a hermit, a loner, and when your with someone certain aspects of your life change while other things that you never payed attention to have a spot light put on them. Simple things like talking to him everyday. If I don't hear his voice at least once, the day doesn't feel right. Also being considerate to his feeling when it comes to certain things. I may still be single but I'm not unattached so that puts a certain filter on how I communicate with other people (especially men).

So that's it in a nutshell folks....but I gotta say...this whole dating thing is weird...yet at the same time extremely satisfying :-)

Photo provided by Photobucket, gianaloveronnie, and is directly linked

What I Want...

I've been seeing my good friend/sorta ex again and I just got back from spending whole day with him and his buddies for his birthday.

I had a really good time even though it started out slightly rocky, but it got better and better as the evening progressed. I didn't realize until today how much better at socializing I've become in comparison to where I used to be. All my old anxiety was almost non exsistant.

We went to lunch (Applebee's....my first time), saw a movie (Rise of the Planet of the Apes...pretty good), went bowling (first time ever and with his help I went from gutter ball and shaking hands, to 1 pin away from a strike), then we had dinner and ice cream cake at his buddies house while watching the UFC fights on fucking HUGE screen (very cool).
Today I feel like shit, my stomach is sour, I don't wanna even think about food, and my body hurts from my workout on Friday...but I had such a great time its all worth it. Hell I might even loose some weight since I don't wanna know from food...lol

Its funny how things work themselves out...
I met this guy randomly at one of the most difficult moments of my life and I decided to take a chance on him. Who would have thought that before I knew it he would be helping me get back on my feet and showing me that its not too late for me to have a life. He helped me see my own self worth even though he doesn't see his own, made me realize I have a lot to give, and he makes me want to be a better woman not just for him but for myself. He motivated me to take my life back and that realization got me thinking about my evolving ideals in what it is that want in a mate..

So...What is it I want?

In a nut shell I want an Alpha.

When I was young I was like most, just a superficial kid. I liked pretty boys, guys that had a feminine sorta look and I wanted a guy who would kiss me, hold my hand, and call me his girlfriend. That was the extent of what I was looking for back then.

Now that I'm a woman, things are almost completely different.
Granted I still want the kisses, hand holding, and the title of girlfriend, but things are much more complex then they were.
My main concern isn't superficial (though it does play it's roll) but its about character.

I'm looking for balance. Not equality but balance...

I feel that everything in life is about maintaining balance. Even in chemistry, down to our smallest molecules, balanced atoms are stable atoms. When they loose electrons the atom becomes unbalanced and searches for other atoms that will balance it. That's how new elements are formed. I kinda see us all as unbalanced molecules looking for one another to balance our equation, making us a new stable element.

So I had to ask myself, what would I need to make my atom balanced?

First thing that came to mind was respect.
Maybe I'm old school in this but I have to respect my mate and they have to respect me. That is a foundation stone and without it everything eventually crashes down. If you don't respect the person your with, that relationship wont last.
Falling under respect is intelligence. I want someone who will challenge me to be my best but who is also smart enough to acknowledge and appreciate my good qualities as well. Someone who can show me new ways of seeing the world, but who is also open to seeing it through my eyes. Any intelligence person knows that no matter how much you think you know, how smart you think you are, you don't know everything. Thats' why truly smart people will suround themselves with other smart people. They will make you think, make you grow, challenge you to be smarter, to be better, and best of all, if your around other smart people, you can count on them to be smart enough to get some things without explanation.
Also falling under respect is the respect of ones spiritual beliefs. If both parties have the same belief system then it isn't a problem. The problem comes from conflicting ideologies and undermining the other persons belief structure. Faith can be a very touchy subject and if you don't agree with one another then it's best for both parties to agree to disagree. But undermining someone elses beliefs, no matter how much you may disagree with it will eventually lead to bitterness and anger.

Now....a quality I have to have is humor...
I can't be with someone that doesn't have a sense of humor. If you don't have a sense of humor, life will fucking break you, so you got to be able to laugh at things, at other people (not in a cruel way), but also you need to be able to laugh at yourself.
I love to laugh, and I need to laugh, so I look for a guy who keeps me smiling and laughing.

But the biggest difference between then and now is that I'm less concerned with what someone looks like on the outside then what comes out from the inside. I'm no longer attracted to the "pretty" boys.
Sure I'm attracted to good looking guys but they got to be guys that look like men. Rugged and strong, muscles and strength. The kinda strength that comes from hard work and genetics, not because they spend most of their days in a gym looking in the mirror working on getting jacked with veins popping out of their abnormally thick necks. I wanna man that I feel can protect me if need be. Someone who when I look at him I'm not thinking "I can take him"...lol

I've had really good looking guys, I mean drool worthy guys who I would never thought I'd have a chance with hit on me, but from the moment I look into their eyes and hear their first dumb ass sentences, I know it ain't happening. You can be good looking for days, but if the stuff coming out of your mouth is stupid, I just can't take you seriously.

I explained it to someone like this.

You can make the most beautiful stained glass, but without the light to make it glow, it's pointless. In other words, no matter how beautiful you are on the surface, if you don't have anything beautiful and bright shining through, your beauty looses it's value. That's why some people who wouldn't typically be considered by society as "great beauties" can end up on the top sexiest peoples list.. Because they have that "it" factor. That something that catches your eye, draws your attention and keeps it, and it has more to do with who they are then what they look like.

To me these are some of the quality's I look for in my Alpha and frankly my friend/sorta ex possesses most of these qualities.
Its truly weird to meet someone that makes me wanna be a better woman. I actually have a physical reaction to his presence and it's rather frightening because it's automatic.
I find myself willing to do things I've never done before or for anyone other then myself or my family (like iron his shirt...lol). Its not that I'm changing cause I'm still very much me, but rather who I am is expanding, growing.

Even if we don't work out. Knowing I'm capable of this growth is encouraging and makes me hopeful for my future and what I'm capable of. I guess I should thank him for that too...
Bastard!...LOL!

When it Rains it Pours...and it Seems the Same goes for Ex's...

This is gonna be a quick post...

Why is it when a guy shows intrest, it sends out a bat signal to all your ex's telling them now's a good time to call??

No I'm not posting anything anywhere that would make said ex's curious and actually half of them don't even do the social networking thing (which is strange now a days).
Hell...some I haven't heard from in months if not years, yet all of a sudden they ALL contact me within days of each other.
If I were more of a paranoid person 'd be freaking the fuck out right now....lol

So yea...is there some secret network out there that alarms your ex's when your moving on with your life?

Oh and my mother made the joke that if it were a bat signal it would be in Asian characters since 90% of my ex's are of Asian decent.
Ain't my family a hoot...LOL!

 (Photo from Photobucket, by kristyellenx3 and is directly linked)

Free Floating and Feeling Strange....

I gotta say I feel weird...

After all that work and worry I feel strange. Almost too light like I forgot something. You know that feeling you get when you get used to carrying a heavy load, then one day go out without it. You feel super light, and it feels good, but you keep getting that nagging feeling like you forgot something....
That's where I am now.

I finally got my results... my GPA is about a 3.6 which is good for getting into college. But now I'm kinda overwhelmed about my next step. I wasn't mentally prepared to pass my test so fast, and now I have to think about which college I want to go to, community or private, signing up for scholarships, and finally getting a job with health insurance.

I don't even know where to begin....

Because of all this I woke up this morning with a cluster headache, and I've chewed the living shit out of my fingers (three nails down).
I know once things are settled and I'm back in school I'll be myself again, but where the hell do I start...
fuck...

(Photo from Photobucket by funfreak2 and is directly linked)

YATTA!!!!!!

It’s been waaay too long since the last time I wrote, but with good reason. These last few months have been the craziest months of my life….a re-birthing if you will.

My brain feels unhinged from my spine and scalp. As if floating in my skull, free from gravity’s bonds. I’ve felt this way since April 11th when I took the first part of my big test. 

After running to the testing center (which was given at public school) with seconds to spare I took part 1 of my test and afterward I felt as if I was having some sort of aneurysm or stroke, but then I realized I had over-taxed my brain numb….lol

The test was broken into two parts which I took Monday and Wednesday, missing class to do so. I still went to class on Tuesday though I was a zombie the entire time and to top it all off I had finals that week so since I missed class Wednesday, I had to take two parts of my finals on Thursday, and my Math Lab final was on Friday. So to sum up, I took a test every day that week except Tuesday. 

Fucking crazy right??

Well it all paid off…cause today I found out I passed my BIG test!!!!

I couldn’t believe it. Since I took the test I’ve been going to the status report website, putting in my info and crossing my fingers, but it was still too early. They said it would take 8 weeks before I found out if I passed or not, but when I spoke to others who had already taken the test they said most of the time it gets posted sooner than that. 

So today was the first day I wasn’t thinking about checking. I was too busy with my head in the toilet, vomiting my guts out, trying not to think about the burning in my nose and throat. I haven’t thrown up in a long time, if I got ill the most that would happen would be nausea or heaves, but today it was different. I missed work, and even missed school which says a lot since today is my favorite subject (math). I was even running a low grade fever, and still am.

I was feeling a bit better after risking dinner, so I decided to go online and check my email. While I was online is when I remembered to check for my score, but didn’t expect to find anything. I was shocked, by my information being there, by the fact that I had passed when I was sure I failed, and by my reaction as well because I started crying.

I couldn’t help it. All the years of feeling less then, of feeling inadequate, of fighting for everything, came to a head and I just broke down. I had done it, finally after all these years, I had passed.

Now I can look towards my future with a true sense of hope…

I'm a Proud New Mama....of a HP Pavilion :)

Yes...I got me a new baby. An HP Notebook with 640g of Hard Drive and 4g of RAM...

My old trusted lap top who I named "Samwise" had long since gotten too old to use. I tried everything to keep him mobile, even cutting out all the unnecessary software and files so I could at least write and go on the interweb, but alas, the world moved too fast for old Samwise to keep up.

He had been my trusty companion for many a year, but eventually I couldn't handle the half-hour start up and stopped using him.
Now as a gift for all my hard work, I got a new computer. They surprised me with it last weekend, and I cried like a little bitch.

I can't bring myself to call it a replacement with Samwise being technically still alive and all, but she (for yes my new notebook has more female characteristics) will definitely be my new companion from now on.

(written from my new baby, photo courtesy of QVC and directly linked)

Big Changes....Moving Forward...

Sometimes when life finally starts moving after a long lull, it moves like the currents of a river...

At first it's almost painfully slow, then it picks up speed until your in the rapids with everything moving so fast you don't know if you can keep up, and your scared that if your reactions aren't quick enough, your gonna hit a rock...

Well...I've entered the rapids..:-)

It's one of the reasons why I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been so busy with everything that I can barely think straight.
I opened one door but that door has opened a few others and now I'm rushing through door after door.

So here's how it went...
First there was the schooling, then I entered the Advanced Program, and one of the parts of the advanced program lead to a paid internship that I now do twice a week on top of classes.
The Advanced Program has also lead to certification and will lead to more classes with more certifications.
Then on top of that, being a part of the Advanced Program makes me a sought after candidate for other programs which I'm interested in. And finally because of all of this I'm on the road to take my test, get  financial aid for collage, and get a degree....

WTF!!...LOL!
I feel wind blown...and happy....but I feel like everything is moving so fast, maybe too fast.
I'm afraid I'm doing too much and I'll end up tripping and falling on my face. Kinda like that feeling you get when you walk on those moving walkways at the airport.

I'm still trying to exercise, just fitting it in is more difficult. And at the beginning of all this I did some bad stress eating, but I've nipped that in the bud and am back to a healthy lifestyle.
I haven't lost weight but I haven't gained either, which is a relief.

Then with all this going on, someone from my past has come back into my life...but I don't know for how long. All I know is that when they're around, positive changes happen in my life so it kinda fits...lol

So things are moving...and there seems to be big changes in my future...who knows what the next day will bring...:)

(Photo by mysticx08xglow, Photobucket and is directly linked)