Free Floating and Feeling Strange....

I gotta say I feel weird...

After all that work and worry I feel strange. Almost too light like I forgot something. You know that feeling you get when you get used to carrying a heavy load, then one day go out without it. You feel super light, and it feels good, but you keep getting that nagging feeling like you forgot something....
That's where I am now.

I finally got my results... my GPA is about a 3.6 which is good for getting into college. But now I'm kinda overwhelmed about my next step. I wasn't mentally prepared to pass my test so fast, and now I have to think about which college I want to go to, community or private, signing up for scholarships, and finally getting a job with health insurance.

I don't even know where to begin....

Because of all this I woke up this morning with a cluster headache, and I've chewed the living shit out of my fingers (three nails down).
I know once things are settled and I'm back in school I'll be myself again, but where the hell do I start...
fuck...

(Photo from Photobucket by funfreak2 and is directly linked)

YATTA!!!!!!

It’s been waaay too long since the last time I wrote, but with good reason. These last few months have been the craziest months of my life….a re-birthing if you will.

My brain feels unhinged from my spine and scalp. As if floating in my skull, free from gravity’s bonds. I’ve felt this way since April 11th when I took the first part of my big test. 

After running to the testing center (which was given at public school) with seconds to spare I took part 1 of my test and afterward I felt as if I was having some sort of aneurysm or stroke, but then I realized I had over-taxed my brain numb….lol

The test was broken into two parts which I took Monday and Wednesday, missing class to do so. I still went to class on Tuesday though I was a zombie the entire time and to top it all off I had finals that week so since I missed class Wednesday, I had to take two parts of my finals on Thursday, and my Math Lab final was on Friday. So to sum up, I took a test every day that week except Tuesday. 

Fucking crazy right??

Well it all paid off…cause today I found out I passed my BIG test!!!!

I couldn’t believe it. Since I took the test I’ve been going to the status report website, putting in my info and crossing my fingers, but it was still too early. They said it would take 8 weeks before I found out if I passed or not, but when I spoke to others who had already taken the test they said most of the time it gets posted sooner than that. 

So today was the first day I wasn’t thinking about checking. I was too busy with my head in the toilet, vomiting my guts out, trying not to think about the burning in my nose and throat. I haven’t thrown up in a long time, if I got ill the most that would happen would be nausea or heaves, but today it was different. I missed work, and even missed school which says a lot since today is my favorite subject (math). I was even running a low grade fever, and still am.

I was feeling a bit better after risking dinner, so I decided to go online and check my email. While I was online is when I remembered to check for my score, but didn’t expect to find anything. I was shocked, by my information being there, by the fact that I had passed when I was sure I failed, and by my reaction as well because I started crying.

I couldn’t help it. All the years of feeling less then, of feeling inadequate, of fighting for everything, came to a head and I just broke down. I had done it, finally after all these years, I had passed.

Now I can look towards my future with a true sense of hope…

I'm a Proud New Mama....of a HP Pavilion :)

Yes...I got me a new baby. An HP Notebook with 640g of Hard Drive and 4g of RAM...

My old trusted lap top who I named "Samwise" had long since gotten too old to use. I tried everything to keep him mobile, even cutting out all the unnecessary software and files so I could at least write and go on the interweb, but alas, the world moved too fast for old Samwise to keep up.

He had been my trusty companion for many a year, but eventually I couldn't handle the half-hour start up and stopped using him.
Now as a gift for all my hard work, I got a new computer. They surprised me with it last weekend, and I cried like a little bitch.

I can't bring myself to call it a replacement with Samwise being technically still alive and all, but she (for yes my new notebook has more female characteristics) will definitely be my new companion from now on.

(written from my new baby, photo courtesy of QVC and directly linked)

Big Changes....Moving Forward...

Sometimes when life finally starts moving after a long lull, it moves like the currents of a river...

At first it's almost painfully slow, then it picks up speed until your in the rapids with everything moving so fast you don't know if you can keep up, and your scared that if your reactions aren't quick enough, your gonna hit a rock...

Well...I've entered the rapids..:-)

It's one of the reasons why I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been so busy with everything that I can barely think straight.
I opened one door but that door has opened a few others and now I'm rushing through door after door.

So here's how it went...
First there was the schooling, then I entered the Advanced Program, and one of the parts of the advanced program lead to a paid internship that I now do twice a week on top of classes.
The Advanced Program has also lead to certification and will lead to more classes with more certifications.
Then on top of that, being a part of the Advanced Program makes me a sought after candidate for other programs which I'm interested in. And finally because of all of this I'm on the road to take my test, get  financial aid for collage, and get a degree....

WTF!!...LOL!
I feel wind blown...and happy....but I feel like everything is moving so fast, maybe too fast.
I'm afraid I'm doing too much and I'll end up tripping and falling on my face. Kinda like that feeling you get when you walk on those moving walkways at the airport.

I'm still trying to exercise, just fitting it in is more difficult. And at the beginning of all this I did some bad stress eating, but I've nipped that in the bud and am back to a healthy lifestyle.
I haven't lost weight but I haven't gained either, which is a relief.

Then with all this going on, someone from my past has come back into my life...but I don't know for how long. All I know is that when they're around, positive changes happen in my life so it kinda fits...lol

So things are moving...and there seems to be big changes in my future...who knows what the next day will bring...:)

(Photo by mysticx08xglow, Photobucket and is directly linked)

Happy VD Day!!!!(My Day After Valentines Day Blog)...

Ok....so most people do a blog on Valentines Day about Valentines Day...
I decided instead, since I can't stand Valentines Day, to use the day to relax, watch the G4 Cheaters marathon, then write about my views later...

Yes...I hate Valentines Day...or as I like to refer to it "Venereal Disease-Day" or "VD-Day" for short.
If you don't believe me, just think about it.
Valentines Day is known for love but mostly for sex.
Women use Valentines day as a "get out of jail" sex card if they get what they want, so people in general have more sex on Valentines Day then any other normal day.
Therefore, the more sex people have, the more likely that venereal diseases will get transferred...hence why it's "VD-Day"....simple logic...

Now before you go yelling at me, saying that I don't understand the meaning of Valentines day, and that I'm just some bitter female without a boyfriend...your only 1/3 right...lol

Valentines Day is for those who don't understand real love. If you truly love someone then you don't need a special day to show them, they probably already know by your daily actions.
Love is having dinner ready when you know your partner has had a long day at work and you don't want them to cook.
Love is taking the kids out so your partner can get an hour of peace.
Love is never going to bed angry.
Love is buying flowers not cause it's a "special day", but because you thought of them and you know it will make them happy.
Love is simple things that you do for one another because you love them, and because you care.
If you do these things, then Valentines Day is just any other day.

Now sure...I'll admit, I'm single...and Valentines Day is never an easy day for singles, but that isn't why I hate the day.
I hate that women perpetuate this need to be treated like Princesses on Valentines Day (I hate it when women feel the need to be treated like princesses period, but I'll save that rant for another time...lol).
It isn't about you, it's supposed to be about you and your partner, but the focus is always on the female.
I hate that people feel this need to be obnoxiously in your face with the "public displays of affection". I mean, I'm happy and all that your happy, but do I need to see you dry hump your boyfriend on the subway platform?
I hate that Valentines Day had become this consumerism driven day of legalized prostitution.
When did it become Ok to trade Money or items for sex?
If you buy me this or take me there I'll sleep with you...
This is the one night guys go above and beyond just for a night of "guaranteed" sex.
That isn't right...if he's doing all kinds of shit for you so he can get some, then your not giving him enough. Eventually he's gonna get bitter and either leave you (best case scenario), or cheat on you (worse case scenario)
The definition of Prostitution:
"Engaging in sexual activity with another person in exchange for compensation, such as money or other valuable goods"
I especially love it when women who are all "I am woman...hear me roar!" get fucking pissed when there boyfriend didn't do anything for them on Valentines Day...I mean really?..lol

and finally...the main reason I hate Valentines Day...
all the Pink!!!!...I can't STAND the color baby pink and it's freaken everywhere. It even invades our foods so I can't even go into a grocery store without being visually violated.

Is it nice to get something?...sure...but it's always nice to receive.
I only dated one guy through Valentines Day, and though I didn't ask for anything and he didn't believe in it, he still sent me something that had personal meaning, just because he wanted to. That meant 100 times more then if he had sent it because he felt obligated. But this was a guy who had bought me a DVD set I really wanted out of the blue, and a special book he wanted to share with me, just because he felt like it, wanted to surprise me, and knew it would make me happy.

So the moral to the story kiddies, is if you love someone, you'll show it because you want to, not because you need to, and not because the calender says so.

First Day of Class...Ok...Now What!...

So yesterday was my first day of class, and as anticipated they screwed up my schedule.

But unlike last semester instead of putting me in too low a class they put me in too high a class. Now I understand this is due to my test scores (which were impressive :) but what I need to learn the most is in the damn class level they don't seem to want to put me in!

So I went straight to the office before heading to my classes, knowing this needed to be nipped in the budd right away.
Unfortunately the head coordinator was there and she showed her true colors.

From the moment I met her something bothered me. Maybe it was something unseen, maybe it was the way she spoke down to me, but from day one it rubbed me the wrong way. Then yesterday as we're waiting to go into the office, she makes a scene with one of the students trying to get his schedule fixed.
I know the guy from last semester and he's real mellow, and even though she was telling him they lost one of his tests, he stayed mellow. But she lost it, telling him its not her responsibility if he couldn't come in to take the test on its proper day, accusing him of yelling, though the only voiced raised was hers. She then took the fight, which is what she created, out into the hall where we all were standing, only then to accuse him of making a scene in front of us.
It was ugly...just plain ugly, and what probably made him loose his cool finally was that the entire time she yelled at him, she spoke down to him as well. It's amazing he stayed civil for as long as he did, but when she decided to continue this fight upstairs, you finally heard him raise his voice.
That little drama wasted 30mins of my first day.

Finally a very nice woman, whom I should remember her name but can't, came down to the office. When she saw us there she asked us if we needed help, we told her, she wrote it down, and we were off to our classes.... that was it.
Something that should have taken 2 seconds, ended up taking 30 flipping minutes...

But other then that, the class went well.
So far I like my new teachers and actually was a bit embarrassed when one them recognized my name from my essay that got published...
That's a weird feeling. Being recognized because of something I wrote...

Today is Math...the subject I have a true love/hate relationship with. Hopefully things will come to me as quickly as they did last semester so I can truly enjoy the experience the way I want to...

Wish me luck kitties...lol...;-)

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For a Moment I Lost my Path...

I have so much going on in my mind that I had a moment today where I lost focus.

I didn't realize what was happening until I saw how annoyed I was at everything, and how I was being short with my mother for no reason.
(and no... I'm not PMSing nor am I on the rag, so I have no excuse)

I was angry...just plain angry at everything.
Negative thoughts and frustrations about where I am in my life had entered my head and had been allowed to fester.
Frustrations with pain, having to see another doctor tomorrow, my frozen weight loss, guys, money or lack there of, the slow progress of my education, and the embarrassed lies I tell to avoid the looks of pity. So in other words, my life as I slowly reach 30.
I've been making so much progress, and I was happy...truly happy.... so I didn't think those turning 30 blues would hit me...but then BOOM! It hit me...like an unexpected uppercut from a 300 pound lucha libre wrestler named "The Downer Ferry"...

When I realized what was happening, I knew I had to get rid of it right away, so I took a shower.
That shower became more then just a physical cleansing, but a mental and spiritual cleansing as well.
I ran through all my issues as I washed my hair, seeing them for what they were, wasted energy feeling sorry for myself. So I visualized them leave my head and run down my body with the soapy water, finally washing away down the drain.
Water is truly my element. I've always felt connected to it, and it helps me stay balanced.

I got out of the shower feeling so much better, yet I can still feel the shallow echo of my former dark thoughts like dark purple bruises in the back of my mind, so I know I have to stay strong.

My power lies in staying positive, seeing my problems for what they are, and doing something about it.
I can't allow myself to fall into a depression. I've come too far to let anything stop me now...not even if what stands in my way is me...

(Beautiful photo shared by pamzers, Photobucket and is directly linked)

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