30 and in COLLEGE: My First Full Week(worries)....plus other junk...

As I type this I am sitting in my aunts basement freezing my tits off, open schoolbooks, notebook, and laptop surrounding me, pen tucked behind my ear, highlighter clenched in my teeth, but I'm also using what little energy I have left not to kill my uncle who is currently singing karaoke Christian POP at the top of his lungs....

Needless to say, my somewhat noise-canceling earphones are in my ears utilizing a white noise app that I found which is currently flooding my eardrums with the soothing sound of rain and thunder, so at least I can getaway from the madness somewhat.

As you can imagine from the above, I'm a bit on edge...but it's not just because I'm trapped in an ironically cold HELL full of bad christian music, it's not because my cousin is once again being a selfish ungrateful douchebag and has disappeared with my aunts van uncaring of her need to use it today or our need to use it tonight to get home, nor is it because I'm having a pretty bad pain flare up and I'm on the rag, but because I'm exhausted after my first full week of school and scared I wont make it.

I didn't expect it to be easy, but after the first week, I wont lie, I'm fearful that I've gone over my head and that I'm doing too much. Everyday I have class, three days a week I have two classes back to back. Mostly general requirements, and 1 elective which is my Psychology class. The classes themselves aren't the problem as much as is the labor involved in lugging my heavy bag, back and forth everyday on the subway. I keep telling myself that in a month this trip back and forth will seem like nothing, but I can't help feeling that nagging doubt creep up my spine every time I come home and my body literally collapses in on itself. I know this flare up is a direct result of the stress I put my body through this week, and I'm afraid I'm going to set all my progress back because it's too much for my body to handle.
Plus, if my interview (which has been rescheduled for the 23rd of this month) goes well, I will have a job to go to on top of the other job assisting my uncle with his accounting job, both of which will fill up what remaining time I have left, and will require more lugging around of my heavy ass bag.
So to say the least I'm worried. I wanna believe I can do this, that I can handle it, but I can't help but feel like I might have bitten off more then I can chew.

Not much I can do about it except wait and see...for now I will try to enjoy Superbowl Weekend, cheer for my Giants, and do my best not to kill my uncle or my cousin...lol

(photo by Photobucket, zag7734 and is directly linked) 

First Day of Class...Ok...Now What!...

So yesterday was my first day of class, and as anticipated they screwed up my schedule.

But unlike last semester instead of putting me in too low a class they put me in too high a class. Now I understand this is due to my test scores (which were impressive :) but what I need to learn the most is in the damn class level they don't seem to want to put me in!

So I went straight to the office before heading to my classes, knowing this needed to be nipped in the budd right away.
Unfortunately the head coordinator was there and she showed her true colors.

From the moment I met her something bothered me. Maybe it was something unseen, maybe it was the way she spoke down to me, but from day one it rubbed me the wrong way. Then yesterday as we're waiting to go into the office, she makes a scene with one of the students trying to get his schedule fixed.
I know the guy from last semester and he's real mellow, and even though she was telling him they lost one of his tests, he stayed mellow. But she lost it, telling him its not her responsibility if he couldn't come in to take the test on its proper day, accusing him of yelling, though the only voiced raised was hers. She then took the fight, which is what she created, out into the hall where we all were standing, only then to accuse him of making a scene in front of us.
It was ugly...just plain ugly, and what probably made him loose his cool finally was that the entire time she yelled at him, she spoke down to him as well. It's amazing he stayed civil for as long as he did, but when she decided to continue this fight upstairs, you finally heard him raise his voice.
That little drama wasted 30mins of my first day.

Finally a very nice woman, whom I should remember her name but can't, came down to the office. When she saw us there she asked us if we needed help, we told her, she wrote it down, and we were off to our classes.... that was it.
Something that should have taken 2 seconds, ended up taking 30 flipping minutes...

But other then that, the class went well.
So far I like my new teachers and actually was a bit embarrassed when one them recognized my name from my essay that got published...
That's a weird feeling. Being recognized because of something I wrote...

Today is Math...the subject I have a true love/hate relationship with. Hopefully things will come to me as quickly as they did last semester so I can truly enjoy the experience the way I want to...

Wish me luck kitties...lol...;-)

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New Situation....New Perspective...

This blog is going to sound completely conceded...but I don't know how else to put it...

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These classes have put me in a situation I've never been in before.
I'm actually popular...
Yea...go figure...that little old me...who bucks traditional views, living a predominantly anti-social lifestyle, is now one of the popular kids in class...lol
When did hell freeze over?

Granted, I know that this has happened mostly because I'm an attractive woman in a program that's predominantly full of Men, and men are led by there dicks (sorry guys), so when the pickings are slim, you go for what you can get. But when you think about it, that's no different then any school. The popular girls are usually the ones that the guys want to fuck, so I'm under no misconceptions as to why I'm getting this attention and what the ultimate goal of most of these guys are. I understood it long before I even thought of taking these classes, since it's one of the main reasons I stayed fat.

(...Fat was safe, fat helped me blend in to the background, fat made me invisible, at least somewhat. Now that the weight is coming off, I feel like I've been put under a spotlight, and the more weight I loose, the brighter the light gets...)

But getting back to my point, what I realized is that it's not just happening because of the way I look, but because of who I am....

These guys are actually attracted to the fact that I'm "different"!
That I'm not the diva, full of drama, or someone's baby mama...lol...but smart, single, and unique. They like the confidence I have in myself and I find that funny because I only started to find that within myself recently.
When did guys start liking girls like me?
What...are the short and heavy nerdy girls who dress conservatively, with chipped nail polish, and little to no makeup, in style now?

I mean I got hit on first day of class, and it has yet to stop.
These guys are actually cock blocking one another just to talk to me...and I have to be honest... it's flattering, but it's also incredibly uncomfortable, odd, and nerve racking.
One guy who I nicknamed "Gumby" (don't ask me why...can't remember...lol) actually asked me out. But instead of just saying I wasn't interested (which is what I should have done), I told him I had a boyfriend.

I mean...he's a nice guy and all, but we had nothing in common, and from our one way conversations I could tell he had no real interest me or anything I was interested in.
He would meet me after almost every class and was one of those people who talk at you rather then to you. The kind of guy who wants to "hook you up" with all kinds of stuff, and wants you to know just how knowledgeable they are about everything, but with time show how little they really know. I realized later after listening to him that he was a lot like one of my Ex's... a little too much like him actually.

Needless to say, since that moment Gumby's been distant...which is fine. I guess since I ain't giving it up to him, he ain't interested anymore, but I already knew he was only interested in one thing, so I'm not all broken up about it. But the moment he took off, another one took his place and it's this guy I'm having a dilemma with...because against my better judgment I'm beginning to like him.

At the beginning I noticed him because he was Dominican and there was a joke going around about how many of them we had in class, but after that I didn't pay much attention.
Then I had to work with him in a group. He took charge but was confused, moved too fast, and didn't listen to the directions. So I actually had to take charge of the group...yep little quite shy me had to take charge, which I hate doing because I hate the spotlight. But surprisingly he was gracious and allowed me to take the reins when he realized he misunderstood the assignment....which I didn't expect. So my first impression of him was full of confused frustration.

The turning point for me came when I decided to wear my new Thundercat tee a friend bought me at Comic Con. After class he noticed it and asked me if I knew the symbol or if I was just wearing it as a popular "fashion thing". Offended that anyone would think that of me, I proudly shared my knowledge of the show and where I had gotten the tee.

You would have thought I had dropped a bomb on his head. He looked at me as if he were meeting a human unicorn and told me, with a big smile on his face, that we so needed to talk. After that he wouldn't let me out of his sight and we talked...a lot. I was the first girl he had ever met who liked the things he did (so I nicknamed him Geekano) and with every new revelation, he just grew happier. To my surprise it was contagious and I found myself smiling and laughing with him. Everything I told him about myself seemed to blow his mind. He was intrigued by me and I was intrigued by him, fully enjoying every moment, so when he asked for my number I only hesitated for a second.
He has yet to call me, but since that day if he comes to class, he always finds me, and after class he never fails to wait for me so we can talk as we leave campus.

It wasn't until the other day that I saw it becoming a problem.
While in class I actually got a little jealous when he left me to talk to another female classmate who he was friendly with.
I mean...what the Hell is that!!
What is wrong with me? and when did I become the possessive type?
So I took a good look at myself, at my behavior, and realized a few things.
I think about him way too much and actually look forward to going to class so I can talk to him again.
When the hell did that happen?

I've only starting talking to this guy about two weeks ago... and I don't know if my feelings are related to the fact that he makes me feel beautiful and special, or if there's something more to it, something more that's drawing us together. I know part of me is still hung up on my ex. I care about him so much it hurts inside, but he's doing what he needs to do for him. Shouldn't I be doing the same?

I don't know...about any of this. I don't have any answers. I don't know what I'm gonna do or even if I want to do it.
What I do know is that though I've decided to live my life in the moment, nothing is going to keep me from continuing along my path.
My goals haven't changed, nor has my focus. I will enjoy each day as it comes, each moment I'm given. I will embrace those who help me, guide me, and inspire me, but I wont let anyone distract me from my goals.
No matter how intriguing they are....

(Photos provided by Photobucket...and are directly linked)

Back to School...Oh BOY!

I know I haven't bloged in awhile, but that's because I've been more busy then usual.

Besides trying to continue to loose weight for my trip to Cancun, which is a battle within itself, I've also started classes to further my education.

Thanks to the nonprofit organization called Community Impact, I'm taking classes that will help me get into college or any other program that will further my education and help me get a job in a higher pay grade. The program is in Columbia University and can help me get on the fast track to getting into Columbia U itself if I so choose.

It's for people in the community who need help continuing there education because of financial difficulty or any other situation. Many people get stuck because they can't afford classes to continue there education or maybe they forgot how to be a student, but this program helps people of all ages get back on there feet and back into school.
They have many other programs that help the community, like programs to help get a job, to help get financial aid for school, that help those who need  food stamps or health care, programs to help the homeless, or free classes for those who need help learning English, and these are just to name a few.

Unfortunately the program isn't very organized, and this can lead to lots of confusion.
I had to call their office about 5 times before I got someone to tell me where I can take my placement test, and we didn't get our scores and class assignments until the first day of class (Yesterday) which was a trick in itself since they didn't know where to tell us to go get them in the first place.
There's also a lot of confusion about textbooks. How much they will cost, which ones you will need, and when to buy them. Plus on top of that, when we did get out class assignments, not all of them were on our schedules, because they don't have rooms available for those classes yet. I know they are having trouble with Columbia getting classrooms for many of these classes, which then trickles down to confusion for the students because much like the game of telephone, by the time the information gets to the last person, the information has changed... I know...it makes me dizzy just thinking about all this.
I wasn't the only one who was confused. Many of the other students as well as teachers all seemed to be getting different information.

But even with all the problems I've had with the program so far, I'm hoping that once all this "start of semester" confusion is settled, things will go a bit more smoothly.
It's a vital program for the community, for the college, and personally, I know in the end, it'll be worth sticking with it.


(Funny photo provided by Photobucket and directly linked)