New Situation....New Perspective...

This blog is going to sound completely conceded...but I don't know how else to put it...

---------------------

These classes have put me in a situation I've never been in before.
I'm actually popular...
Yea...go figure...that little old me...who bucks traditional views, living a predominantly anti-social lifestyle, is now one of the popular kids in class...lol
When did hell freeze over?

Granted, I know that this has happened mostly because I'm an attractive woman in a program that's predominantly full of Men, and men are led by there dicks (sorry guys), so when the pickings are slim, you go for what you can get. But when you think about it, that's no different then any school. The popular girls are usually the ones that the guys want to fuck, so I'm under no misconceptions as to why I'm getting this attention and what the ultimate goal of most of these guys are. I understood it long before I even thought of taking these classes, since it's one of the main reasons I stayed fat.

(...Fat was safe, fat helped me blend in to the background, fat made me invisible, at least somewhat. Now that the weight is coming off, I feel like I've been put under a spotlight, and the more weight I loose, the brighter the light gets...)

But getting back to my point, what I realized is that it's not just happening because of the way I look, but because of who I am....

These guys are actually attracted to the fact that I'm "different"!
That I'm not the diva, full of drama, or someone's baby mama...lol...but smart, single, and unique. They like the confidence I have in myself and I find that funny because I only started to find that within myself recently.
When did guys start liking girls like me?
What...are the short and heavy nerdy girls who dress conservatively, with chipped nail polish, and little to no makeup, in style now?

I mean I got hit on first day of class, and it has yet to stop.
These guys are actually cock blocking one another just to talk to me...and I have to be honest... it's flattering, but it's also incredibly uncomfortable, odd, and nerve racking.
One guy who I nicknamed "Gumby" (don't ask me why...can't remember...lol) actually asked me out. But instead of just saying I wasn't interested (which is what I should have done), I told him I had a boyfriend.

I mean...he's a nice guy and all, but we had nothing in common, and from our one way conversations I could tell he had no real interest me or anything I was interested in.
He would meet me after almost every class and was one of those people who talk at you rather then to you. The kind of guy who wants to "hook you up" with all kinds of stuff, and wants you to know just how knowledgeable they are about everything, but with time show how little they really know. I realized later after listening to him that he was a lot like one of my Ex's... a little too much like him actually.

Needless to say, since that moment Gumby's been distant...which is fine. I guess since I ain't giving it up to him, he ain't interested anymore, but I already knew he was only interested in one thing, so I'm not all broken up about it. But the moment he took off, another one took his place and it's this guy I'm having a dilemma with...because against my better judgment I'm beginning to like him.

At the beginning I noticed him because he was Dominican and there was a joke going around about how many of them we had in class, but after that I didn't pay much attention.
Then I had to work with him in a group. He took charge but was confused, moved too fast, and didn't listen to the directions. So I actually had to take charge of the group...yep little quite shy me had to take charge, which I hate doing because I hate the spotlight. But surprisingly he was gracious and allowed me to take the reins when he realized he misunderstood the assignment....which I didn't expect. So my first impression of him was full of confused frustration.

The turning point for me came when I decided to wear my new Thundercat tee a friend bought me at Comic Con. After class he noticed it and asked me if I knew the symbol or if I was just wearing it as a popular "fashion thing". Offended that anyone would think that of me, I proudly shared my knowledge of the show and where I had gotten the tee.

You would have thought I had dropped a bomb on his head. He looked at me as if he were meeting a human unicorn and told me, with a big smile on his face, that we so needed to talk. After that he wouldn't let me out of his sight and we talked...a lot. I was the first girl he had ever met who liked the things he did (so I nicknamed him Geekano) and with every new revelation, he just grew happier. To my surprise it was contagious and I found myself smiling and laughing with him. Everything I told him about myself seemed to blow his mind. He was intrigued by me and I was intrigued by him, fully enjoying every moment, so when he asked for my number I only hesitated for a second.
He has yet to call me, but since that day if he comes to class, he always finds me, and after class he never fails to wait for me so we can talk as we leave campus.

It wasn't until the other day that I saw it becoming a problem.
While in class I actually got a little jealous when he left me to talk to another female classmate who he was friendly with.
I mean...what the Hell is that!!
What is wrong with me? and when did I become the possessive type?
So I took a good look at myself, at my behavior, and realized a few things.
I think about him way too much and actually look forward to going to class so I can talk to him again.
When the hell did that happen?

I've only starting talking to this guy about two weeks ago... and I don't know if my feelings are related to the fact that he makes me feel beautiful and special, or if there's something more to it, something more that's drawing us together. I know part of me is still hung up on my ex. I care about him so much it hurts inside, but he's doing what he needs to do for him. Shouldn't I be doing the same?

I don't know...about any of this. I don't have any answers. I don't know what I'm gonna do or even if I want to do it.
What I do know is that though I've decided to live my life in the moment, nothing is going to keep me from continuing along my path.
My goals haven't changed, nor has my focus. I will enjoy each day as it comes, each moment I'm given. I will embrace those who help me, guide me, and inspire me, but I wont let anyone distract me from my goals.
No matter how intriguing they are....

(Photos provided by Photobucket...and are directly linked)

Boob Rant!!

Reading my friends blog about boobs got me thinking....

WTF is up with this obsession with BOOBS!

I mean...is it that most were not breast fed enough or maybe breast fed too much!

And I'm not just talking about Men. Most men are obvious boob connoisseurs, giving them names and listing attributes for all kinds of boobs (which I find hilarious), but women too are equally obsessed with them, just not for the same reasons (unless they're gay).

When you walk down the street, when you go the store, at work, in church, you can see it happening everywhere. Women judging other women's boobs. 

Men...You think your woman doesn't see that chica with the DDD's walking a half block away. 

Not only have they seen her, they've already determined whither her boobs are real, if the woman is a hoe based on her attire, boob size, hair color, type of boob (fake or real), and whither it's safe to keep walking in that direction because they might have to distract you so you don't goggle at her when you pass by.

It's Fucking Nuts!!

Granted that's not all they're judging. 

Women feel this need to judge another woman's every single flaw in order to make themselves feel better. Instead of just appreciating what they have and leaving it at that, they have to put someone else down to raise themselves up (back handed complements are one of the tricks of the trade) and its done all the freaken time...its a hidden epidemic of taught behavior among women and I'm sick of it.

Now...I love Boobs, I love women, and I'm as straight as they come. But I can admire a woman with a nice rack or a beautiful body without feeling the need to find a flaw in order to make myself feel better. Hell...I've been known to hit my man not because he was goggling at someone, but because I want him to see the amazing legs on some chick....lol 

Maybe it's because I've been judged so many times for the way I look, that I can't bring myself to judge others in the same way.

Case in point...I've had boobs since the age of 9...
That's right I said 9, and I noticed an immediate change in the attitude from both Men and Women.
Women who would smile at me, and say hi, would now ignore me and give me nasty looks, while Men on the street would say and do very nasty things. Things that made me feel dirty, scared, and like there was something wrong with me.

I was still a child for Fuck sake, but because I had boobs everything changed and somehow acting like that became appropriate somehow.

Mind you...unlike girls today I was not dressed like a little street walker, in mini skirts, high heals, and crop tops, nor did I ever ware makeup. That was just not something that would ever be allowed in my mothers house and I'm pretty sure if she ever dressed me in that manner, the rest of my family would have smacked the crap out of her, but luckily non of that happened.

But that sudden change in the way I was perceived, and the way I was treated was the reason I took to wearing dark baggy clothing for most of my teens, didn't want anything to do with sex until after I turned 19, and didn't loose my virginity until I turned 24.

Because of all that I've only just learned in my late 20's to appreciate my body and my boobs. 

I'm still modest...actually way too modest as far as my friends are concerned, but I'm ok with that. I see now the power I possess with my large rack, and I'm very careful with it because I know what they can do and what they bring out in people. Being big chested also means that just because some piece of clothing looks nice sensual and classic on a smaller boobed chick doesn't mean it's gonna look that way on me. Big boobs have a tendency to make most tops look oversexed and I avoid that look like the plague. I've also learned the trick of seeing everything around me but with certain blinders or filters so as to protect myself. 

There are a lot of fucked up people out there and even more people who look forward to judging you because of your Boobs, so though I'm not blind to it, and I'm still sensitive to it, especially in how I'm dressed, I'm not letting others opinions restrict me from wearing something flattering. 

Are men gonna stare if my girls are propped up and nicely enveloped?

Sure...that's just part of the course, and I don't get upset about it anymore (unless it's really bad like constant staring and drooling...then I get annoyed), in fact I kinda find it funny. Especially when they can't finish a sentence...lol

But when it comes to those hater bitches who want to put me down, my mantra has become , "Fuck Um!...There just Jealous", and I laugh at them. 

Laughing at people who want to put you down is a sure way to confuse and frustrate them. They don't know what to do with that...lol

And as for those fucked up perverts. 

I'm learning to replace that feeling of being victimized with a healthy dose of righteous anger and my camera phone.

"Smile for the Cops Ass Hole!"**click**....lol

(photo provided by Photobucket and directly linked)
(and here's the link to my friends blog The Bipolar Bible)