Happy VD Day!!!!(My Day After Valentines Day Blog)...

Ok....so most people do a blog on Valentines Day about Valentines Day...
I decided instead, since I can't stand Valentines Day, to use the day to relax, watch the G4 Cheaters marathon, then write about my views later...

Yes...I hate Valentines Day...or as I like to refer to it "Venereal Disease-Day" or "VD-Day" for short.
If you don't believe me, just think about it.
Valentines Day is known for love but mostly for sex.
Women use Valentines day as a "get out of jail" sex card if they get what they want, so people in general have more sex on Valentines Day then any other normal day.
Therefore, the more sex people have, the more likely that venereal diseases will get transferred...hence why it's "VD-Day"....simple logic...

Now before you go yelling at me, saying that I don't understand the meaning of Valentines day, and that I'm just some bitter female without a boyfriend...your only 1/3 right...lol

Valentines Day is for those who don't understand real love. If you truly love someone then you don't need a special day to show them, they probably already know by your daily actions.
Love is having dinner ready when you know your partner has had a long day at work and you don't want them to cook.
Love is taking the kids out so your partner can get an hour of peace.
Love is never going to bed angry.
Love is buying flowers not cause it's a "special day", but because you thought of them and you know it will make them happy.
Love is simple things that you do for one another because you love them, and because you care.
If you do these things, then Valentines Day is just any other day.

Now sure...I'll admit, I'm single...and Valentines Day is never an easy day for singles, but that isn't why I hate the day.
I hate that women perpetuate this need to be treated like Princesses on Valentines Day (I hate it when women feel the need to be treated like princesses period, but I'll save that rant for another time...lol).
It isn't about you, it's supposed to be about you and your partner, but the focus is always on the female.
I hate that people feel this need to be obnoxiously in your face with the "public displays of affection". I mean, I'm happy and all that your happy, but do I need to see you dry hump your boyfriend on the subway platform?
I hate that Valentines Day had become this consumerism driven day of legalized prostitution.
When did it become Ok to trade Money or items for sex?
If you buy me this or take me there I'll sleep with you...
This is the one night guys go above and beyond just for a night of "guaranteed" sex.
That isn't right...if he's doing all kinds of shit for you so he can get some, then your not giving him enough. Eventually he's gonna get bitter and either leave you (best case scenario), or cheat on you (worse case scenario)
The definition of Prostitution:
"Engaging in sexual activity with another person in exchange for compensation, such as money or other valuable goods"
I especially love it when women who are all "I am woman...hear me roar!" get fucking pissed when there boyfriend didn't do anything for them on Valentines Day...I mean really?..lol

and finally...the main reason I hate Valentines Day...
all the Pink!!!!...I can't STAND the color baby pink and it's freaken everywhere. It even invades our foods so I can't even go into a grocery store without being visually violated.

Is it nice to get something?...sure...but it's always nice to receive.
I only dated one guy through Valentines Day, and though I didn't ask for anything and he didn't believe in it, he still sent me something that had personal meaning, just because he wanted to. That meant 100 times more then if he had sent it because he felt obligated. But this was a guy who had bought me a DVD set I really wanted out of the blue, and a special book he wanted to share with me, just because he felt like it, wanted to surprise me, and knew it would make me happy.

So the moral to the story kiddies, is if you love someone, you'll show it because you want to, not because you need to, and not because the calender says so.

First Day of Class...Ok...Now What!...

So yesterday was my first day of class, and as anticipated they screwed up my schedule.

But unlike last semester instead of putting me in too low a class they put me in too high a class. Now I understand this is due to my test scores (which were impressive :) but what I need to learn the most is in the damn class level they don't seem to want to put me in!

So I went straight to the office before heading to my classes, knowing this needed to be nipped in the budd right away.
Unfortunately the head coordinator was there and she showed her true colors.

From the moment I met her something bothered me. Maybe it was something unseen, maybe it was the way she spoke down to me, but from day one it rubbed me the wrong way. Then yesterday as we're waiting to go into the office, she makes a scene with one of the students trying to get his schedule fixed.
I know the guy from last semester and he's real mellow, and even though she was telling him they lost one of his tests, he stayed mellow. But she lost it, telling him its not her responsibility if he couldn't come in to take the test on its proper day, accusing him of yelling, though the only voiced raised was hers. She then took the fight, which is what she created, out into the hall where we all were standing, only then to accuse him of making a scene in front of us.
It was ugly...just plain ugly, and what probably made him loose his cool finally was that the entire time she yelled at him, she spoke down to him as well. It's amazing he stayed civil for as long as he did, but when she decided to continue this fight upstairs, you finally heard him raise his voice.
That little drama wasted 30mins of my first day.

Finally a very nice woman, whom I should remember her name but can't, came down to the office. When she saw us there she asked us if we needed help, we told her, she wrote it down, and we were off to our classes.... that was it.
Something that should have taken 2 seconds, ended up taking 30 flipping minutes...

But other then that, the class went well.
So far I like my new teachers and actually was a bit embarrassed when one them recognized my name from my essay that got published...
That's a weird feeling. Being recognized because of something I wrote...

Today is Math...the subject I have a true love/hate relationship with. Hopefully things will come to me as quickly as they did last semester so I can truly enjoy the experience the way I want to...

Wish me luck kitties...lol...;-)

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For a Moment I Lost my Path...

I have so much going on in my mind that I had a moment today where I lost focus.

I didn't realize what was happening until I saw how annoyed I was at everything, and how I was being short with my mother for no reason.
(and no... I'm not PMSing nor am I on the rag, so I have no excuse)

I was angry...just plain angry at everything.
Negative thoughts and frustrations about where I am in my life had entered my head and had been allowed to fester.
Frustrations with pain, having to see another doctor tomorrow, my frozen weight loss, guys, money or lack there of, the slow progress of my education, and the embarrassed lies I tell to avoid the looks of pity. So in other words, my life as I slowly reach 30.
I've been making so much progress, and I was happy...truly happy.... so I didn't think those turning 30 blues would hit me...but then BOOM! It hit me...like an unexpected uppercut from a 300 pound lucha libre wrestler named "The Downer Ferry"...

When I realized what was happening, I knew I had to get rid of it right away, so I took a shower.
That shower became more then just a physical cleansing, but a mental and spiritual cleansing as well.
I ran through all my issues as I washed my hair, seeing them for what they were, wasted energy feeling sorry for myself. So I visualized them leave my head and run down my body with the soapy water, finally washing away down the drain.
Water is truly my element. I've always felt connected to it, and it helps me stay balanced.

I got out of the shower feeling so much better, yet I can still feel the shallow echo of my former dark thoughts like dark purple bruises in the back of my mind, so I know I have to stay strong.

My power lies in staying positive, seeing my problems for what they are, and doing something about it.
I can't allow myself to fall into a depression. I've come too far to let anything stop me now...not even if what stands in my way is me...

(Beautiful photo shared by pamzers, Photobucket and is directly linked)

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Dating and other Shit That is Driving Me NUTS!....

Internets down so I'm blogging from my phone....oh joy...not an easy task for a wind bag like me...lol

Why does life have to be so difficult?

1. Why is it when your nice to a guy, he immediately takes it as code for "I Wanna Fuck You"?
No!! That is NOT what it means!!!

2. Is it possible to fall for someone because of the way they write?

3. How its it I'm gonna be 30 and I can still feel like a fucking 16 year old with a crush?

I mean what the HELL people!!!
This is just a snippet of the crap going through my head right now....lol

Let's deal with #1 first...

I couldn't start this school semester quiet could I...
I have to deal with this shit right away...

I would like to just go to class and be friendly without someone thinking it means I want them, without having to worry about looking too nice because I might attract too much attention.

It's a classroom, not a fucking bar!

God...I even hate the way this shit sounds coincided...lol

I gave you my number because you said you have info that could help me with a problem. Not so you can text me to ask me what's up. And if my response is I'm busy, again trying to be nice, that should be a clue I don't wasn't to talk, and that definitely doesn't mean you can ask me "where I'm going" like you know me.
Forgive me for going ghetto but "You don't Know ME!"...lol

What do I have to do, tattoo "No I DON'T want to fuck you" across my forehead for you to get a clue?
Or maybe if I don't bathe for a few weeks, and come to class smelling like ASS, I'll finally be left alone.
But then again, with my luck, that would probably just attract the real twisted ones...lol

I don't know why this rant feels so familiar...lol

Now on to #2...

As you can see, when I write I have a certain flow and cadence to the way I say things. I like to write the way I think, and for the most part, the way I speak when I get to know you.
When I write I find the purest form of the real me and maybe that's why I've taken to writing so much. Much of my insecurities and fears I can put aside when I write, which I think is true for most people. My head is clear, and if it isn't, I can alway come back when it is, but in that lies the problem, especially when you enter the realm of online dating.

Most online dating happens through emails or text messages, my perfect medium. But when it comes to meeting face to face, the person you meet isn't going to be right away the dynamic person that you talked to in the emails. I'm still awkward and shy at first when you meet me face to face.

Granted I'm soo much better then I used to be, now that I use humor to break the tension, but I still feel the awkwardness and anxiety that makes me less them quick on my feet. Because of this, I had one relationship feel weird because the guy didn't understand that he had to give me some time to get comfortable with him first before that side of me came out in person.

He fell fast for the woman in the emails, and had no patience for the woman before him. Funny thing was, he wasn't exactly the same in person as he had been in his emails either, but who ever is.
I never say anything in writing that I'm not willing to do in reality (except when I write fiction...obviously), it just takes a bit longer for it to come out.
But if your willing to be patient, you'll find I'm all the woman I am when I write, and more...lol...:-)

Finally crazy thought #3...

This one is driving me nuts!
Just when I begin to feel all adult and confident in my ability to handle men, here comes that stupid anxiety madness I had as a teenager whenever I had feelings for someone.

You know what I'm talking about, the feelings of when you like someone but you don't think they like you the same way, but you can't help it, and you over think every single thing you did or said or want to do with him/her.
The kind of madness that permeates your thoughts at inopportune times, makes you connect almost every song you hear to that person, and no matter how much you know you should move on and let go, you can't seem to...

Yep... I fucking hate that shit!
Makes me feel like a fucking crazy person...

This particular thorn in my paw is someone who reads my blog so I can't go into too many details, except to say he has a girlfriend which makes me feel even worse for feeling the way I do.

I've never been ok with going after someone who is with someone else, even if it isn't that serious, because I believe in karma and common sense.
Twice in my inexperienced past I was stupid, lied to myself, and started down that path, but luckily both times it blew up in my face before anything bad happened, so if that isn't a sign from the "powers that be" trying to save my karmic spirit, I don't know what is.

Now that I'm older and wiser, I know I won't be lead astray again, but I can't help the evil thoughts that cross my mind.

I know that if it's ment to be, it will be...
So close yet so far....oh fucking hell!!!!

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My Coffee Rant in my Last Blog made me Think of This...

: Zip Codes : Foamy The Squirrel 

Back to School....(*Blowing a Raspberry*)....

Oh...God...I hurt....
I don't even know why I'm writing right now...

I guess it's cause it's been bothering me that I haven't written anything in a while, but I am soo tired right now...
and for those of you thinking:
"Why you so tired? It's not like you got no job or nothen!" ...
You can kiss my big fat ASS!!...lol
Yep...thanks to seeing an episode of the "Jersey Shore" immediately before deciding to write, that's what you sound like in my head ...lol
I don't even watch that shit...those people make my skin crawl, but I guess that's a good example of how tired I am, that I didn't even have enough strength to change the Damn Channel!...LOL

Anyhoo...back to my original point...
I'm tired...that's obvious since I've said it a bunch of times already. I don't know if it's cause I'm working out again, if it's having to get back into my old school schedule, or if it's because I've been trying to keep from busting my ass every time I walk out on these freaken icy streets, draining my already tapped reserves.
Fuck! for all I know it could be all the above plus some extra.
What I do know is that I had to drink two glasses of tea and one bubble tea in order to function today, and that ain't normal. Usually the bubble tea by itself will have me tweaking for hours...lol

I know...I'm a light weight compared to you coffee drinkers, and maybe I should of just broken down and made myself a cup, but I don't want to get dependent on that shit. Once you cross over to that coffee line, it's almost impossible to go back.
Coffee is the legal crack of our society today. Trying to talk to a coffee drinker before they've had there first cup, is like trying to talk to a crack head before their first rock of the day, they will cut a bitch if you keep them from there shit LOL!

Back to topic (drifted a bit)...lol
Yesterday and today was mandatory orientation for the start of our "Spring" semester. Classes don't officially start until February 7th, and I won't know till then what class they've put me in, or if they deleted me from the system like last time...ha..ha..eh. Either way, I'm ready.
I got all my paperwork filled out and handed in yesterday, I got all my test scores from last semester, and no matter what, they will be putting me in the right class this time. I now know how the system works and I ain't gonna be played again...lol

This year I'll be sighing up for there advanced program that requires 3 extra elective classes. These classes will really help me with the job search.
They have a class that gets you prepared for working in the health field as well as finding a job, a computer class for certification in word and excel, and even classes that prepare you for the new green job market. Plus this year I will be signing up for the Math Lab, which will give me a more comprehensive background in math and will help prepare for collage level work.

As far as my love life is concerned, the classes haven't even started yet and it looks like I already have some complications that will have to be clipped quick.
Geekcano didn't show and I haven't heard from him since late December, so I doubt he'll be back, but I kinda expected that. Deep down, no matter what he said, I don't think he really wanted to be in the program. It was too much. I didn't see his buddy either, which is kinda disappointing cause I liked the guy, but that's a sure sign he's not coming back. Last semester you hardly saw one without the other...lol

So...that's it. I can't believe I wrote as much as I did...then again...I do tend to blabber when over tired....lol

Blowing a raspberry

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Blowing a raspberry or strawberry or making a Bronx cheer is to make a noise signifying derision (and/or silliness), made by sticking out the tongue between the lips and blowing to make a sound reminiscent of flatulence. In the terminology of phonetics, this sound can be described as an unvoiced linguolabial trill [r̼̊]. It is never used in human language phonemically (i.e., to be used as a building block of words), but it is widely used across human cultures.
Nomenclature varies: in the US, Bronx cheer is sometimes used; otherwise, in the US and in other English-speaking countries, it is known as a raspberry, rasp or razz—the origin of which is an instance of rhyming slang, in which the non-rhyming part of a rhyming phrase is used as a synonym. In this case, "raspberry tart" rhymes with "fart".^[1] It was first recorded in 1890.^[2]
The term "Bronx Cheer" is used sarcastically because it's not a cheer; it is used to show disapproval. The term originated as a reference to the sound used by some spectators in Yankee Stadium, located in the Bronx, New York City.^[3][4]"

LMFAO!!!! God I love Wikipedia!!....

 (Above photo by VShellabarger, Photobucket, and is directly linked)

My Grandmother and I (Where I Come From to Who I am Today)...

My grandmother, a Caguas farm girl, who was a descendant of rebels and indigenous people, inherited their spirit when she left her step mothers abusive home to live with her grandmother and her sisters. It was there that she met my grandfather who swept her away to Manhattan. Yet not speaking a word of English and in a completely foreign environment, they planted there roots, started a family, and had 7 children. That was the beginning….

They were non traditional parents in the sense that though God was very important they weren’t very strict in there Christian faith. If anything my grandmother leaned more toward being a believer in the “Espiritista” or the spiritualist way of being that she learned from her grandmother and her great aunts. A belief of healing with herbs and praying to God, the Saints, and our ancestors for there help, guidance, and protection. A belief and way of being that she instilled in her children and in me.

Unfortunately her husband passed away while most of their children were still very young, leaving my grandmother to fend for herself. But once again that rebellious sprit gave her the strength she needed because instead of ending up on the street or in a asylum, my grandmother got 2 jobs, learned English, and somehow raised all 7 children on her own.

Raising them in New York, the melting pot of the world, they became more culturally intermingled in their upbringing, but because of the racist attitudes of that time, like everyone else they had to adapt to the American or more precisely “White” culture in order to survive in the public eye. Yet even though the pressures of society would have preferred for them to hide who they were, most of them wore there heritage proudly because of the way they were raised.

Both my grandparents taught them the ways of their culture, but it was my grandmother who taught them about what you would call the roots of our culture. She also instilled in them one of the most important parts of our culture, a very strong Puerto Rican ideology which is the unity of family and what it means to be family.

She made sure each of her children grew up as unique individuals, with the freedoms that come from being brought up in the states, but no matter how different each one was, they all shared a similar understanding of faith and never forgot to come to together for every holiday, birthday, or special occasion, and that was something my grandmother always made sure they never lost.

She was a major part of everyone’s lives including mine. I was lucky enough to be raised around her for almost all of my childhood and she gave me the same foundation she gave her children. Even though I am a second generation Puerto Rican who speaks very little Spanish, thanks to her teachings, I feel like a first. So when she suddenly passed away, it was not just the loss of a person but the loss of our family’s foundation.

It happened a month before my senor year in high school and her sudden death shook me to my very core, but what I didn’t see coming was the effect it would have on my family and on myself.

We became out of balance. The person we all relied on heavily was no longer with us, and the affects were not only emotional but physical. My aunts and uncles lost their mother, the person who was always there to keep them steady, who helped to look after there children when they worked, and not having the funds to pay for a nanny that meant having to cut hours or even possibly quitting there jobs. No one could afford to do any of that without losing everything else.

Watching this from the sidelines and seeing my family slowly beginning to fall apart, I realized unlike them, I had a choice. I knew what I could do, but it became what I had to do, what my grandmother would have done, and being the eldest of my cousins, I left school and became the family nanny. What I didn’t realize was that in doing that, in sacrificing my education, I had become more then just a nanny.

I became the new teacher, the new confidant, the new friend to not only my cousins who now became like my brothers, but surprisingly to my uncles and aunts as well. I also became the new spiritual center of the family, having learned some of the ways of being from my grandmother, but also on my own, I began to guide and protect those I loved.

I had always been like a daughter to each of my aunts and uncles, but because of what I had done, I became more like a sibling and had earned the right to sit at the metaphorical “elders table”.

Over the years I helped raise and watch my cousins grow, each one now my brothers but also like my children, helping them with their schooling when necessary, and with joy I watched most of them get into collage. I helped my aunts and uncles through crises, celebrated their joys, shared in their sorrows, but also helped them embrace there roles as the new elders of the family.

I didn’t see any of these changes happen. I knew my role had changed in the family when I noticed how I was being treated differently, but not the bigger picture. I just accepted it for what it was and was happy anytime someone needed my help. I didn’t realize what I had truly done and the impact I had made until recently, when my family made me take a step back and see exactly where I stood, what roles I play and how everyone depends on me.

I am part of every holiday, every special occasion, I am asked my opinion on every big decision, and when I speak, people truly listen. So much so that when my aunt finally met a man who she could see herself marrying, to my continued surprise and honor, she sought my approval.

I had spent most of my life feeling lost, less then, feeling like a looser, like I hadn’t accomplished anything because I wasn’t in the same place, or doing the same things as other people my age. But my family helped me see the truth. They helped me see how much I had truly done, how I had helped hold everyone together, how I had become the new center of our clan, and for the first time I truly saw myself.
I cried hard that day and though there are other things I have to accomplish for me to continue my journey, for the first time in my life, I am proud of who I am and the path I chose to take.

My grandmother taught me the importance of family and of endurance of sprit by both seeing how she lived her life, and by what she taught me. If it hadn’t been for her, I wouldn’t have the strong closely connected family that I have, and without her I don’t think I would have had the courage to make the decision I did to leave school. She was the glue that held us all together. She was a grandmother, a mother, a teacher, a guide, a friend, and she was the one who taught me what it meant to be a part of a true family.

I took on her mantel, something I don’t believe I have the right to wear, but my family seems to think differently. She was the strongest woman I’ve ever known, and somehow they see that strength in me.

I will strive to be worthy of the faith they have placed in me and who knows, maybe they’re right. After all, I was named after her….