I've been seeing my good friend/sorta ex again and I just got back from spending whole day with him and his buddies for his birthday.
I had a really good time even though it started out slightly rocky, but it got better and better as the evening progressed. I didn't realize until today how much better at socializing I've become in comparison to where I used to be. All my old anxiety was almost non exsistant.
We went to lunch (Applebee's....my first time), saw a movie (Rise of the Planet of the Apes...pretty good), went bowling (
first time ever and with his help I went from gutter ball and shaking hands, to 1 pin away from a strike), then we had dinner and ice cream cake at his buddies house while watching the UFC fights on fucking HUGE screen (very cool).
Today I feel like shit, my stomach is sour, I don't wanna even think about food, and my body hurts from my workout on Friday...but I had such a great time its all worth it. Hell I might even loose some weight since I don't wanna know from food...lol
Its funny how things work themselves out...
I met this guy randomly at one of the most difficult moments of my life and I decided to take a chance on him. Who would have thought that before I knew it he would be helping me get back on my feet and showing me that its not too late for me to have a life. He helped me see my own self worth even though he doesn't see his own, made me realize I have a lot to give, and he makes me want to be a better woman not just for him but for myself. He motivated me to take my life back and that realization got me thinking about my evolving ideals in what it is that want in a mate..
So...What is it I want?
In a nut shell I want an Alpha.
When I was young I was like most, just a superficial kid. I liked pretty boys, guys that had a feminine sorta look and I wanted a guy who would kiss me, hold my hand, and call me his girlfriend. That was the extent of what I was looking for back then.
Now that I'm a woman, things are almost completely different.
Granted I still want the kisses, hand holding, and the title of girlfriend, but things are much more complex then they were.
My main concern isn't superficial (though it does play it's roll) but its about character.
I'm looking for balance. Not equality but balance...
I feel that everything in life is about maintaining balance. Even in chemistry, down to our smallest molecules, balanced atoms are stable atoms. When they loose electrons the atom becomes unbalanced and searches for other atoms that will balance it. That's how new elements are formed. I kinda see us all as unbalanced molecules looking for one another to balance our equation, making us a new stable element.
So I had to ask myself, what would I need to make my atom balanced?
First thing that came to mind was respect.
Maybe I'm old school in this but I have to respect my mate and they have to respect me. That is a foundation stone and without it everything eventually crashes down. If you don't respect the person your with, that relationship wont last.
Falling under respect is intelligence. I want someone who will challenge me to be my best but who is also smart enough to acknowledge and appreciate my good qualities as well. Someone who can show me new ways of seeing the world, but who is also open to seeing it through my eyes. Any intelligence person knows that no matter how much you think you know, how smart you think you are, you don't know everything. Thats' why truly smart people will suround themselves with other smart people. They will make you think, make you grow, challenge you to be smarter, to be better, and best of all, if your around other smart people, you can count on them to be smart enough to get some things without explanation.
Also falling under respect is the respect of ones spiritual beliefs. If both parties have the same belief system then it isn't a problem. The problem comes from conflicting ideologies and undermining the other persons belief structure. Faith can be a very touchy subject and if you don't agree with one another then it's best for both parties to agree to disagree. But undermining someone elses beliefs, no matter how much you may disagree with it will eventually lead to bitterness and anger.
Now....a quality I have to have is humor...
I can't be with someone that doesn't have a sense of humor. If you don't have a sense of humor, life will fucking break you, so you got to be able to laugh at things, at other people (not in a cruel way), but also you need to be able to laugh at yourself.
I love to laugh, and I need to laugh, so I look for a guy who keeps me smiling and laughing.
But the biggest difference between then and now is that I'm less
concerned with what someone looks like on the outside then what comes
out from the inside. I'm no longer attracted to the "pretty" boys.
Sure I'm attracted to good looking guys but they got to be guys that look like men. Rugged and strong, muscles and strength. The kinda strength that comes from hard work and genetics, not because they spend most of their days in a gym looking in the mirror working on getting jacked with veins popping out of their abnormally thick necks. I wanna man that I feel can protect me if need be. Someone who when I look at him I'm not thinking "I can take him"...lol
I've had really good looking guys, I mean drool worthy guys who I would never thought I'd have a chance with hit on me, but from the moment I look into their eyes and hear their first dumb ass sentences, I know it ain't happening. You can be good looking for days, but if the stuff coming out of your mouth is stupid, I just can't take you seriously.
I explained it to someone like this.
You can make the most beautiful stained glass, but without the light to make it glow, it's pointless. In other words, no matter how beautiful you are on the surface, if you don't have anything beautiful and bright shining through, your beauty looses it's value. That's why some people who wouldn't typically be considered by society as "great beauties" can end up on the top sexiest peoples list.. Because they have that "it" factor. That something that catches your eye, draws your attention and keeps it, and it has more to do with who they are then what they look like.
To me these are some of the quality's I look for in my Alpha and frankly my friend/sorta ex possesses most of these qualities.
Its truly weird to meet someone that makes me wanna be a better woman. I actually have a physical reaction to his presence and it's rather frightening because it's automatic.
I find myself willing to do things I've never done before or for anyone other then myself or my family (like iron his shirt...lol). Its not that I'm changing cause I'm still very much me, but rather who I am is expanding, growing.
Even if we don't work out. Knowing I'm capable of this growth is encouraging and makes me hopeful for my future and what I'm capable of. I guess I should thank him for that too...
Bastard!...LOL!
