Making an Attempt to Write Again

Photo by Laura Williams
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So at this very moment I am sitting on my bed, with a tissue sticking out of my left nostril to keep another bloody nose at bay, attempting to write a blog entry into my iPad without my glasses.

I don't really know what to say. I can't answer why it's been so long since I wrote a blog entry other then I just haven't been able to write.

Life took over...

Between school, my health, family trouble, men dodging, psycho ex boyfriends, new friends, incompetent scholarships administration, and my daily struggles with my flip flopping insecurities, I haven't been able to express it in words other then multilingual expletives. 

But if there's one thing I can talk about now, its that I'm trying to regain my self-worth and how I'm beginning to learn to see myself differently.

Being a overweight 32 year old (though I keep telling people I'm 33 for some reason) college student is a lot harder then I thought, and when I say hard I don't mean the school work. I mean the constant bubbling up of all my old teenage baggage. My self-image hangups, my need for people to like me, my need for perfection, my anal retentive patterns, and my fallback mode of self-destructive self sabotage.

I kept feeding myself the lie that if I were thinner, in a relationship, had my degree, had a steady good paying job, that I would finally be confident and happy, but that's a load of crap.
I wanna be thin because it would make others more acceptable of me. I want to be thin because that's what other people want and if you don't want what other people want then your labeled defective. I want to be thin because the guys I'm attracted to are not attracted to women like me. I want a degree because I don't want to be looked down upon, I don't want people to say that I'm less then them and I want a steady good paying job for the same damn reason.

I mean What The FUCK!
(and yes I am fully aware that most of what I just said revolved around my weight...:-/)

That is the shit that runs through my head and I am embarrassed by it. I am embarrassed by the absurdity of my own thoughts. The juvenile girly shit I loathe in others I am spewing into my own head.

How is it I am buying into this crap?

I rationalize it by telling myself that I have to loose weight for my health, or that I'm getting my degree because I want to learn, or that I want a good steady job so I can pay my bills. But when you remove all the frilly lace, the bows, and you strip down the paint, it's the same piece of crap reasons they've always been, the need to be accepted.

It's horrible to realize that the free thinking, independent, non-corporate, person you thought you were, is nothing more then a costume that comes crumbling down like face paint during a summer heat wave, and that's what college has done to me. Made me realize that I never dealt with my issues, just covered them up in increasing amounts of body-fat and some sort of self induced Stockholm syndrome.

But the crazy part is, around the same time I realized this about myself was the same time I realized it was no longer true.

I first noticed it a few days ago at a high school friends birthday get together. Here I was in my nightmare scenario, by myself at a party filled with fashion insiders, models, and photographers. My high school friend who is a model herself and is dressed to the nines, introduces me to all her friends and coworkers, and the casual chit chat among strangers begins. In that moment I told myself "fuck it" I may not belong here among these beautiful people but I didn't come here for them, I came here for my friend. So I waded in head first into social shark territory deciding to be my natural, honest, and joke cracking self  in the same way I normally am with my friend. I didn't worry about my foul mouth, or my lack of fashion knowledge. I didn't care because it didn't matter. Then a few hours later I'm standing in a little group of models with my friend standing next to me, just talking and cracking jokes about the issues of living in NY when my friend just asks them out of nowhere "isn't she beautiful?" which was in reference to me. Without hesitation these tall women of fashion land agreed with her.
I was dumbfounded.
Not one condescending back handed complement. Not one role of the eyes or moments hesitation. Not one mention of having a pretty face, nice hair, or pretty eyes, all complements above the chin (which to me has always been the not so secret code for "cute but fat"). Not one word replacement of beautiful with sweet, or charming. Just complete honest agreement with no jokes thrown in.

Sure, it was nice to be labeled beautiful by a bunch of fashion models (yes the acceptance thing again...), but what surprised me was that they weren't talking about just my outward appearance, but me as a whole overstuffed enchilada. For the first time strangers were complementing me for being me. I was being accepted because I wasn't trying to be accepted.

Yea, call me confused. 

But then again it made sense. The people I am drawn to. The people I see as beautiful or intriguing are usually the people who are confident in themselves and are not trying to be something that they're not. The people I've always found to be beautiful are not the people who are the cookie cutter "nice looking" model types but the people who are unique, interesting, and owning it. And somehow, on that night, I became one of those people. Granted I lost that confidence power-up the very next day (no miracles here) but now I know what it feels like, and it has opened my eyes.

I realized that over my time in college and probably even a little before that when I first fell ill, I started to see myself in a new way. I started to like myself for who and am, as I am, without even knowing it, and it's only now that my change in self view is beginning to show through on the surface. I started to appreciate things about myself as the challenges I faced made me learn more about who I truly am. It's hard to explain but I had to face the hard truth behind my motivations in order for me to see the positive changes I had already, unconsciously made.

I spent so many years only focusing on the negative things I wanted to change, that I never truly got to know me as a person and going to college has forced me to face myself, find myself, and for the first time in my life I can truly say I like me.

So here's to "in keeping with the situation!..." (quote from a favorite movie of mine)

WTH: Pre-Spring Semester in Seclusion....

This is the first of a few backlogged posts that I didn't have time to get to...
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The moment the holiday season hits with thanksgiving my life starts its speed round but this year it was worse.

Having some of my more difficult finals coincide with the holidays and quite a few birthday was like adding an accelerant to a Greek fire. By the end of my fall semester (officially the end to my first year) I had completely burnt myself out.

My kickboxing went out the window replaced by hours of essays, papers, lab reports, studying, and math exercises and when the dust had settled I was in a full on Fibromyalgia crisis. I stayed home almost my whole break only going out for holidays and birthdays. Then when I thought I was getting better I got hit by some sort of semi-flu. It's what happens when you get infected with a bad strain of the flu but you don't quite get sick because you got the flu shot, so your body becomes the battleground and you suffer from some of the physical symptoms without the fever and vomiting. Not sure if my Fibromyalgia exasperated it but it was bad. My lymph-nodes on the entire right side of my upper body were so swollen that it actually caused me pain to move. Like fingers of pain reaching from my lower right jaw and behind my right ear, around the back of my head, down my neck and right shoulder, into my armpit spreading around my back and down my arm. The pain and swelling alone caused constant headaches and stiff necks which I haven't suffered from since I was a kid.

As of this writing I'm finally feeling better. I have energy again, most of the symptoms have gone except lingering neck and head pains, and I've gained back the weight I had lost, all just in time for the beginning of the spring semester...lol...